Life Inside Panic

Finally a study that gets it right, at least from my experience. I feel that any person, be them male or female, emerges from a failed relationship is damaged. At least anyone with a heart. I do agree that men are more reluctant to marry but I feel that has more to do with fear of closing off options than mental status.  We grow up as little girls believing that one day prince charming is going to show up on his white stallion and we’ll ride off into the sunset to our happily ever after. Well girls, there is no happily ever after; there is just life. Life is work, devotion, arguments, bills, and sometimes going to bed angry. Once we accept the reality of what a relationship is we can help to calm the anxiety the men in our lives feel as a result of our unfair expectations. As for men, you have to understand that marriage isn’t just a contract where you sign over your life and soul. It is a celebration of love and commitment. We don’t want to be married, we want to be your wife. We want to love, honor, and (yes I still believe this) obey you. We want you to do the same. It’s not about owning a person; it’s about two people owning each others hearts. (Just a note about The guy I am about to write about we broke up not too long ago but I still feel this relationship is not over, prime example he is asleep in the recliner right next to me. The physical aspect of our relationship has change but everything else has remained the sane) I have lived with D for a year and a half and I don’t love him any less than if he were my husband but I yearn to belong to him in every sense; legally, in the eyes of God, and I would be beyond honored to take his name. He on the other hand feels that living together in the way we do we are married in every sense other than a piece of paper.

“Reference: Partnership and mental health over time. Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health 2004:58; 53-8

Cohabiting Better For Men’s Mental Health; Marriage Better For Women’s

Jan 05 2004

Getting back into a relationship after a marriage fails is good for men’s mental health, but bad for women’s, suggest the results of national survey in the U.K. The study also found that cohabiting is better for men’s mental health, but marriage is better for women’s,.

The research is based on responses to a validated mental health questionnaire from 4,430 men and women under the age of 65, part of the annual British Household Panel Survey, which began in 1991. Men whose relationships with a first partner fell apart had much poorer mental health than men who remained with their first partner. And those who decided to live with a new partner after a marriage break-up also had better mental health than men who stayed single or who remarried.

The mental health of women who had not split up from their partners was also better than that of women who did. But women’s mental health progressively deteriorated the more break-ups they experienced and the more times they moved on to other relationships. Women who stayed single actually enjoyed much better mental health, which was not true of men.

While the mental health of both men and women was better in long term relationships. Men who chose to marry their partners fared had poorer mental health than those who chose just to live with them. Women fared better if they married.

The authors conclude that living with a partner is better for mental health, but that women have a harder time emotionally when relationships fail.”

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It’s time for me to fill everyone in on D. I always had this image as a little girl of the guy I would end up with. He would be smart, funny, outgoing, strong, tall, with dark hair and eyes, mysterious, and from another place that I knew nothing about. I met D in a bar (not exactly my fantasy) and he was everything I had dreamed of; standing about 6 foot (I’m 5′3 3/4″ so that’s tall for me), black hair, dark brown eyes, olive skin. He was also extremely opinionated, intelligent, and had a brutal honesty about him. He made me feel truly safe for the first time in I don’t know how long. All I had to do was look into his eyes and I knew everything in the world was as it should be. He used to do these little things that would make my heart flutter, like running his hand down my cheek as he walked past me or dancing with me in the dining room. I loved him more every second we spent together. After about 6 months things started to change, He suddenly became very critical and would fly off the handle for no reason. His drinking had always been extreme but now it was even worse. I had to drag him off the floor and to bed most every night after he had passed out. Through all of this my love never faded. There were a couple of occasions where he drank so much he became violent but never when he was sober. When something would go wrong I would always end up begging for his forgiveness, no matter who was at fault, because I loved him so completely. I knew that the things that were happening were not him but the anger and pain that surfaced after he had too much to drink. All I wanted to do was hold him and swear that everything would be ok in the hope that he would believe me. I tried. I held on as hard as I could and he still ripped free of my embrace and continued down his path of self-destruction. Our relationship had a lot of hurdles due to cultural differences but I could have compromised if he would have done the same. He is 11 years older than me and that was always his excuse as to why he wouldn’t budge. He believes a woman’s responsibility is her home and family and I agree unless both people are providing equally for the household. If you share the traditional “man role’ (ie bringing in money) than the traditional “woman role” (ie housework) should also be shared. And if it goes to the other extreme and the woman is sole provider for whatever reason then the man should take care of the house. This is not acceptable for a Romanian man. The house is the woman’s to maintain, period. And the decisions are made by the man. So here is what I have learned if you would like to sustain a relationship with this sort of old world man….

1. His word is final. If he wants the tv hooked up a certain way, let it be.

2. Keep up your house. If it is a mess then he will not be embarrassed about the mess but rather of you.

3. Most of these men will treat you as queens but only if you act as their servant. (I know this doesn’t make much sense but it will if you find yourself in this situation.)

4. Never second guess anything he is trying to fix/build/adjust. Just like asking for directions they would rather spend 4 hours figuring it out than 10 minutes reading instructions and it’s a major blow to their manhood if you figure it out first. Offer support not direction.

5. Most of these men will give you anything you ask (within their means), as long as you ask in a way that makes them feel like a man providing for their woman.

6. Respect them as not just your man but a man. Old world men need to know that you respect their position in the family. This is probably the most important thing to remember.

I tried to change him and ended up losing him. He is still here as a roommate and I hope everyday that we spend together that it will be the day he realizes that we are not wrong for each other. I cry myself to sleep every night that I sleep alone. I pray for the day he can end my suffering and I can fall asleep to the sound of his heartbeat as opposed to the sound of my sobs.

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So, this is gradually turning into a sob session of a blog. I have been checking for new information but everyone is so concerned with the economy of the US as well as the rest of the world that nobody is really focused on other issues. I will continue to check and update on you on any info as soon as some turns up.

As for my state today. I am feeling a little better than I was in my last post. I don’t have tears streaming down my face this time so that is a drastic improvement. I went to the psychiatrist only to find that it was an initial intake appointment and my actual evaluation is scheduled for February. Nice how concerned they are, right? I managed to convince my PCP to call something in for me to hold me over and she gave me a Rx for Xanax. It definitely helps with my panic attacks because I don’t tend to have them while I’m comatose but I can’t remember my dreams any more so who knows how I’m actually sleeping. I know that I’m out for 10-12 hours at a time and it takes me roughly an hour to be alert once I wake.

I have been reading a lot on various other blogs today about heartbreak and I guess I’m not totally alone in the way I feel. I even read a post from a lady discussing how the lack of the weight of her engagement ring on her hand was a constant physical reminder of the emptiness in her life. I know how she feels. I miss my ring; I still wear it when I’m home alone or sometimes when I’m sleeping. I have even left the house with it in my pocket and slipped it on once I was in the car, so D wouldn’t see, on more than a couple of occasions. I love the ring, I think it is the most elegant one I have ever seen. D’s name and our anniversary date are inscribed on the inside and I sometimes take it out and look at that inscription and think of all the dreams it represented. Even though it is a beautiful piece of jewelry, that is not why I love it so. I love that it was given to me as a token of his love and a promise of our future. I still can’t look at it and just see a ring. Maybe in time…

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Every day I feel my sadness and loneliness growing. I do what I am supposed to; take my medication, go to my therapy, pretend to feel human but on the inside I am screaming out in pain. For the last couple of weeks I have not been able to contain my tears. I don’t understand what I have done to deserve this kind of life. I know that I have made mistakes but I have always thought I was a basically good person. I keep waiting to wake up one morning and have had some great epiphany on how to be happy but it never happens. I swear every night that tomorrow will be different, I will get up and do the things I need to do. But every day it’s the same. I drag myself out of bed, get a cup of coffee, and try to hide the emptiness I feel and make it through the day without breaking down in tears or yelling for no understandable reason. I know my greatest source of sadness comes from my failed relationship with D but I should be feeling some sense of closure by now. I long to feel his arms around me, to hear his heartbeat as I fall asleep, to see that smile and know it is for me. I miss him so intensely that some days I can actually feel the pieces of my heart shattering into even smaller fragments. I wonder if there is even enough of it left to ever feel joy again. My life is a pointless disaster. I have managed to become a 29 year old bitter, lonely, broke, unemployed, burden on every one I have ever loved. I thought my depression was chemical but I have been on my medication for over two months and though I no longer feel suicidal, I still have this hopelessness that is so intense I feel physical pain from it. I have an appointment with a new psychiatrist tomorrow and maybe he will be able to help me. I just want one morning where I am actually happy that I woke up instead of feeling dread to have to face another day.

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Deciding on a mental health professional is confusing and challenging. For most, by the time they contact someone they have exhausted all their other options for symptom relief and emotional support. People do not make major purchases without first doing their research and the same should be true when looking for mental health treatment. Here are some tips to help you make the best decision for you.

Always follow your instincts. If you Doctor/Therapist makes you uncomfortable, acknowledge this. It is important to find someone you can trust and feel comfortable sharing your thoughts and feelings with. A therapist should never pass judgement on you for what you are confiding. They should always treat you with compassion, respect, and acceptance. Your provider should never belittle or make fun of you. The two of you can laugh together about something, but you should never feel as though you are being laughed at.  This will create an enviroment where you will be able to be open and confront issues you might not be comfortable discussing with anyone else.

Most importantly, your provider should never touch you in a sexual manner. Any contact that makes you uneasy should be pointed out immediately. This is not to say that a provider should never have any physical contact with a patient; a reassuring sqeeze of your shoulder, holding your hand during a hard session, or hugging you as you leave are acceptable as long as it does not make you feel uncomfortable. The provider should understand and respect boundries, both yours personally and those implied by the nature of the provider/patient relationship. Fondling, sitting on the Therapist’s lap, kissing, or sex of any type is always completely inappropriate.

There are certain rights that all patients have. You have the right to ask any questions related to your treatment. This includes knowing what diagnosis the Therapist is assigning you and what is being filed through your insurance claims. You also have the right to look at the records being kept by your provider regarding your treatment. You may request a copy of these records, but be aware that there may be a fee for copying them. This important to keep track of as insurance companies are famous for using a “preexisting condition” as a reason for denial. You may also refuse to answer any questions. The therapy is to help you but this has to happen at a rate that you are comfortable with. You should never feel pressured into answering questions on subjects that you are not ready to discuss. Do understand, however, that you will have to be willing to face some hard truths about yourself and your life and to do this you will at some point probably have to talk about things that are very difficult for you. This is why the trust issue is so very important with any Doctor or Therapist.

The provider should be able to give you the estimated length of time you will need treatment.This will not be an ironclad timeframe; no Therapist should ever give a guaranteed recovery date. Treatment is different for everyone and how you respond is not something the provider will be able to predict. There is no set formula, this is not a two week course of antibiotics that will erase all symptoms. Some people will begin to notice changes within a few sessions and others will take months or even years. Be prepared to commit to the process and do whatever is neccessary to feel better and you will get the most out of your treatment. If you go in half-hearted and refuse to embrace the process you will be wasting both your time and that of the provider.

You wouldn’t go to a doctor who was not licensed and the same should be true of your mental health provider. Licenses can include a psychologist (PhD), psychiatrist (MD), licensed professional counselor (LPC), licensed social worker (LCSW), or licensed mental health counselor (LMHC). These professionals are required to take a test and are supervised for a specific number of hours providing therapy before they can even take these tests. Seeking help from someone who does not know what they are doing will only create more problems for you.

Often when you feel you don’t want to go to therapy is when you need to go the most. This tends to happen when you are avoiding confronting or dealing with a painful issue. Therapy is hard work and sometimes can be a emotionally painful and draining process. During the first sessions, it is not uncommon to feel worse before you begin feel better. You are dealing with issues and emotions that you might not have ever discussed before or maybe are not even conciously aware that you have. This is why people give up before the process has a chance to work. Think of it like pulling out a splinter; the splinter hurts and can become infected if not treated. Pulling it out can be a painful process in itsself but once it is out you feel so much better. Therapy works the same way. It takes a great deal of strength and courage to share your thoughts, feelings, and issues with a stranger, even a professional. The more open you are with yourself and your provider, the more effective the treatment will be.

The provider is bound under confidentiality laws to never share anything you say in therapy with another person. (Exceptions to this include if the provider feels you are suicidal, a threat to a child or elderly person, or if you might pose a threat to someone else’s life.) The provider should not be on the phone while you are in session or talk to friends or family, yours or theirs, about you without expressed consent from you to do so.

Always remember that no matter who you decide to talk with or what form of therapy you decide to try, that there is always hope. Healing can be a long and difficult process but in the end you will come out of it happier, healthier, and stronger.

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