Life Inside Panic

Here’s wishing you all a safe, healthy, and happy New Year. I have come up with a few resolutions that I am going to share with you. I have always heard that writing them down makes them an actual goal as opposed to just meaningless words. Please feel free, actually encouraged, to post yours as comments. I would love to hear what all of you are trying to do this coming year.

My Resolutions…

1. Learn to take life one minute at a time since one day at a time doesn’t seem to work for me.

2. Actually stick to a diet. I am trying Weight Watchers in combination with Alli. You can track my progress on my Alli Experience blog.

3. Either find a healthy relationship or stay single, no more trying to save someone else when I can’t even save myself. If I am going to be in a relationship it needs to be loving, supportive, and compassionate.

4. Quit smoking and self medicating with alcohol and sleeping pills. Depression is not cured by sleep it only fuels the problem because then you get sad and stressed because you are not accomplishing anything. And smoking does calm me but it also makes me stress about my health and appearance.

5. Take pride in my home, myself, and my accomplishments.

Wish me luck and I wish the same for you in 2009.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!

My theory on men in love

Ok, so lets get this out right up front. I am a newly single, 29yo, somewhat bitter woman. I do NOT hate all men; in fact after this last breakup I have given it a great deal of thought and actually feel some compassion for you. I am convinced that there is some sort of biological reaction that happens between oxytocin (the hormone that is released when we are in love) and testosterone. It must cause a kind of temporary insanity and because you guys have tons more testosterone… Well you do the math.
They have proven that positive thinking can be as effective, sometimes more effective, in patients with depression and anxiety disorders (both chemical). The patient is taught to examine their thought process and try to look at things in a more uplifting way so they don’t have a negative emotional response. If this works for them then it must work for you as well. I am going to point out what I feel are the four most common forms of delusion that this particular type of mental illness seems to cause in the hope that perhaps a couple guys out there will remember this and try the positive thinking technique until I can get a grant to do medical research and develop a drug to treat this condition.
1. Biological Clock
Lets get this one right off the bat. I understand that you all think that you are the perfect male specimen and that we are chasing you around with this ticking noise in our heads, dieing for you to impregnate us. Not the case. If we love you and are planning a future together, especially talking about marriage, then children will eventually come up. Do not allow yourself to spiral into paranoid delusions of us trying to trap you with a baby. Either talk about it and relax or say you aren’t sure how you feel about having kids and that you’d like to think about it. Picking out baby names and suddenly having unprotected sex leads us to believe we are on the same page, it does not mean we are crazy and trying to trick you into fatherhood.
2. Male Friends
Guys, again I implore you to control the voices in your head. I can’t count the number of my ex’s who have given me the “men and women can’t just be friends and if your ex is still talking to you it’s because he wants something” lecture. Followed by a jealous declaration that I need to choose between the relationship I’m in or friends who happen to have a Y chromosome. This also helps to prove that it is a temporary condition caused by a reaction to hormones because the majority of those guys now feel it is perfectly acceptable to remain friends with a female once they are not in love any longer. My current ex even feels that we should be roommates, because “we still care about each other as people” and he “really doesn’t want us not to live together” and we now have a completely platonic relationship. A year ago however, I made a phone call in the middle of the night to a friend that I had a past relationship with to tell him I could not talk to him any longer. This was done with my ex sitting right next to me angry about a late night text from this friend who happens to work nights. Before you freak remember, once this hormone is not screwing with your mental balance, you might actually want to maintain a friendship with us. There was obviously enough you liked about us to make you fall in love. And honestly, have you never had a friend of the opposite sex that was a platonic relationship or you dated and just didn’t match but still enjoyed each others company?
3. Cheating
This is the one that I think is caused by the least amount of testosterone because both men and women suffer with this. If your partner goes to the store, friends house, families house, or just doesn’t pick up the phone because they have fallen asleep early; it does NOT mean they are cheating. This one can spin out of control quickly so before you become hysterical or fly into a vindictive rage, stop and think. The last time you ran to the store and it took longer than expected was it because you were being mounted in the bathroom by a cashier that you found irresistible or were the lines just long? When you went out with your friends, did you come home late because you were caught up in conversation or because you secretly met up with your ex for a steamy quicky? And of course, you can not honestly tell me you have never been so exhausted you just fell asleep. If right now you are getting all indignant and thinking that’s exactly the case then the problem is not with the person you are with but with you. and that brings us to the last one.
4. All Women Are Crazy/Evil
Boys, boys, boys. Ever heard that question “does a crazy person know they are crazy”? It comes from the fact that people in delusional states see their version of events as reality even if the rest of the world does not. Hence the whole “it’s them not me” logic. So, I really want you to try hard with this one. Repeat to yourself that it is not mathematically possible for every person who you have been with to have been nuts. It just doesn’t add up. I know a couple crazy girls so they are definitely out there but I know many more wonderfully sane (albeit confused by your lack of logic and reason) women.
So, please guys, I beg you to open your eyes and see past your little delusional bubble so that we all might find a little happiness. If clinically depressed, suicidal patients can do it I know you can too.

Hi all. I’m sorry it has been a little while but things have been insane. I hope you all had a good holiday. I actually had a very nice Christmas. My family drew names and we were only supposed to buy for the person we drew but I was the only person who followed that rule. I halfway wonder if they might have come up with it to make me feel better about being broke but it didn’t. I feel so guilty about not being able to buy gifts for my loved ones. I drew my grandma and she seemed to ginuinely like what I gave her; so that brightened my mood a little. I spent the whole day feeling bad that D was home alone. He has no family and no true friends so there was no one for him to spend the day with. Part of me wanted to come home so he wouldn’t have to be alone but I also didn’t want to give up another day with my family for him. So I stayed and it was a nice day. I got a lot of nice gifts including a book I have been meaning to buy for a while. The Heroin Diaries: A Year in the Life of a Shattered Rock Starby Nikki Sixx. I had wanted to read it after finishing and being so impressed by The Dirt: Confessions of the World’s Most Notorious Rock Bandby Motley Crue. So far it is phenomenal and I strongly recommend it. It is a year of journal entries by him at the height of his fame, addiction, and depression with commentary from people who were there with him at the time. It’s very raw and honest. You should really check out both of these if you have any interest in biographies, Motley Crue, rock music, books on addiction, or if you’re just looking for a very good read. I couldn’t put The Dirt down and ended up reading the whole thing in one night.

So, after the negativity of the last post I figured I owed a more light hearted post. I had wanted to write about this a while ago but my ex told me he had deleted the pictures. Low and behold he published a blog a couple days ago on his site with the story of MY dog. Figures. At any rate, here it goes.

About a month and a half ago I spotted a puppy while driving home from the grocery store. I asked D to stop and I chased the dog down the street. I ended up catching him and took him to the groomers as he was a matted, smelly mess. I posted ads looked for his owners but no one ever turned up. This little guy must have been abandoned or ran really far. I would not be surprised with either explanation. He is a feisty, hyper little puppy and he bolts through any door that is opened (no matter if it goes outside or to another room). At any rate little Athos was acclimating himself very well and I felt comfortable letting him have run of the house. We ran out to get something and when we got back the dog was missing. I searched the house frantically but could not find him anywhere. I spotted some people walking their dog and asked if they had seen him but they said no. Finally D spotted him running around on the roof. He proceeded to take pictures while I hysterically tried to coax my dog back in the house. I am afraid of heights so there was no way I was going out there. Finally after screaming at him, D climbed out there and grabbed Athos. I was so freaked at the thought of him losing his balance that I was shaking. At any rate, he has done this a couple times since, so we are now very careful to keep doors and windows closed. He still goes upstairs and sits on the window ledge like a cat but luckily doesn’t go through windows as easily as screens. So here we have the picture of Athos on the roof!