January 29th, 2009

Reality came crashing down around me this morning as I watched him walk out the door with his coat, luggage, and my heart. I have never felt pain like this and could not have imagined the physical ache that would accompany his leaving. I knew it was going to happen but a part of me didn’t want to believe it and another part hoped he would take me with him. I have never stopped loving him, no matter what I have tried to say, and don’t think I ever will.

D you are my heart, my soul, my universe. I will love you till the day I die. Every day I will live with the pain of knowing that you are gone forever. When you hugged and kissed me goodbye, I wished something in you would wake up and you would feel the same as I do. That you would know that we shouldn’t be apart. But you didn’t and now you’re gone forever and I will never be the same.

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January 26th, 2009

Today is a bad day. And it is only the first of what will be one of the hardest weeks of my life. I just found out that D is leaving on Thursday to move back to Romania. I knew this was coming but I think on some level I had convinced myself it wouldn’t happen. I know I have written about how angry I get at him and how over it all I am but clearly I am not. I burst into tears every time I think about him leaving. Friday when I wake up it will be the first day of a life without him and that is a life I don’t want. As angry as he makes me I would rather fight with him than laugh with anyone else. He is my sun, moon, and stars; my whole universe. Even when we are yelling at each other he is at least there. Now I have to face the reality that he never will be again. We can’t even maintain a friendship because he will be on another continent. My already broken heart is shattering into even smaller pieces.

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January 25th, 2009

I have posted a few articles on tips for controlling stress lately and I hope they have been helpful. I wanted to post something about what I do to help with my stress levels. I have found a few things that seem to be working very well for me.

Meditation

I find that attempting to meditate to handle stress can be frustrating to me because I can’t always focus, so this only really works if I can incorporate it into a scheduled time every day. I focus on positive thoughts for about 15 minutes in the morning and the evening in an effort to train myself to think this way and while it makes a difference in my overall mood, it doesn’t seem to help when things happen unexpectedly.

Exercise

I unfortunately do not enjoy working out so I do little things to get myself moving. I have found that if I take my dogs for a long walk instead of a quick one I feel better. I’m not a morning person so this generally happens in the evening but it helps me unwind and go to sleep. The only downfall is that my Jack Russell, Athos, comes home wound up and ready to play. He seems to react to the walk as a sort of activity appetizer. Haha. Also things like turning on the radio and dancing around while I clean make a difference. I might look like an idiot but at least I am doing something to make the chores I hate more fun and it really motivtes me to actually get moving instead of lying around getting more depressed.

Gardening

My biggest stress relievers have come from a couple very unexpected places. I received a Chia Terra Cotta Gourmet Herb Gardenfor Christmas and it has been the best thing for my stress, so much so that I bought another one and an AeroGarden Garden Kitwith flowers. There is something very calming and fulfilling about seeing these plants thriving due to my constant attention. I water, feed, trim, and monitor them religiously and it feels like my stress levels shrink every time they grow a little. I am thinking about getting some houseplants and possibly even a bonsai tree since this seems to be very therapeutic for me. I understand now why so many people garden. I have a tiny backyard that is mostly concreted and have 5 dogs so a big vegetable garden isn’t very practical but if you have the space I would recommend giving it a try. If not, try one of these inside gardens; you might be shocked at the sense of accomplishment you will have and the effect that will have on your depression and anxiety.

Animals

Another thing I take great joy in is my pets. As I said I have five dogs; Kenya (Black Lab), Merlin (Tibetan Lhasa Apso), Athos (Jack Russell/Maltese Mix), Hope (Maltese), and Zoe (Chihuahua). Last night D bought me a baby Angora Teddy Bear Hamster and I think her name is going to be Dulce Valentin (this translates to Sweet Valentine). Animals are a great stress releiver. There is nothing better than a dog that loves you unconditionally running up to you, tail wagging, just thrilled to see you after a bad day; or a good one for that matter. They have a sense of when you are sick or upset and their entire purpose in life is to make you happy. I can be so stressed I am in tears and when one of my pups crawls into my lap and cuddles up to me I instantly feel my heart lift a little. There are days that the only thing that can make me smile is watching them run and play.

Writing

This is a good outlet for anyone. Write it down, get it out of your head, and come back later and read it. I have always written. To me seeing things in black and white puts them in a completely different perspective. The good doesn’t feel real and the bad seems so much worse until I pour it all out on paper and read it. For me there is just something about the flow of words on a page, as opposed to the swirling chaos in my head, that makes me feel connected to the experiences I am writing about.

What I am trying to say is that we all react to different things in life. The articles I post are suggestions, mostly to show that there are things you can do to take control of your life. Not everything will work for everybody. Try different things and find what will work for you. It’s all about finding the joy in your life and using that to combat the negative feelings before you become overwhelmed by them. It’s your life and you can take control.

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January 4th, 2009

Patty Duke To Share Story Of Mental Illness In Sarasota
Actress To talk About Bipolar Disorder At Symposium

By Donna Wright - Bradenton Herald
Jan 4, 2009

“A Brilliant Madness” is how actress Patty Duke describes her battle with bipolar disorder and its impact on her highly successful career that includes an Academy Award for a performance as Helen Keller in the “The Miracle Worker.”

“There is something going on inside me, in my eyes, in the cells of my face that is, in a strange way, so alive and yet so mysterious,” Duke writes in her memoir, co-authored by Gloria Hochman. “Is that mystery the gift? Is it the illness? Is it a certain intelligence? Or fear? In my opinion, it has to be a combination of all of those things.”

For Elyn R. Saks, associate dean at the University of Southern California, with triple appointments as a professor of law, psychology and psychiatry, “schizophrenia rolls in like a slow fog, becoming imperceptibly thicker as time goes on . . . After a while the sun is a dim light bulb behind a heavy cloth. The horizon has vanished into a grey mist and you feel a thick dampness in your lungs as you stand, cold and wet, the afternoon of the dark.”

In her highly acclaimed biography, “The Center Cannot Hold” Saks takes the reader along in her descent into madness and her ascent to a normal life through successful treatment.

Duke and Saks will share their struggles and ongoing recovery at the “Journey into Wellness from Mental Illness” a free community education program, 9 a.m. to 12:30 p.m. next Saturday at Van Wezel Performing Arts Hall. Sponsored by Sunshine From Darkness, (formerly NARSAD Florida), the weekend event includes a black tie gala Sunday evening when Duke, along with Lee and Bob Peterson, founders of NARSAD Florida will receive Luminary Awards for their advocacy for the mentally ill.

In exclusive interviews with the Bradenton Herald, Duke and Saks talked about how their lives have changed as the result of successful treatment and going public with their own battles.

For Duke, going public has had positive results.

“Being an advocate strengthens you,” Duke said. “One of the things people with mental illness sense is that we are truly alone in the world, but the more we talk about it the more realize that’s not true.”

Duke has found that sharing her story helps silent sufferers to speak up. “It is always remarkable to me when I stand in front of people and say you can recover. For some it may give that little push to go have it checked out,” she said.

In turn, Duke believes those conversations about mental illness are helping to dispel the public’s fear.

“I don’t know that there is significant change, but I see a forward thrust,” Duke said. “People on TV talk about mental illness openly. You can strike up a conversation on an airplane and find out that if not that person, then someone they know has a problem.”

But even when they open up, some people hold back, says Duke. “They are willing to talk about it, but many are not willing to go for help because of fear of the unknown. That’s why my saying, ‘I am going to show you mine and you can show my yours, if you want,’ helps breaks down barriers. I didn’t think there was any hope for me. Now I know there is hope.”

Still, mental illness carries a stigma that blocks support for more research and treatment options, says Saks.

“One of the reasons more people don’t support mental health programs is they don’t understand what mental illness and they fear people who are mentally ill,” Saks said. “In these economic hard times, treatment and intervention are less available. I count my lucky stars that I have had access to treatment.”

“We are a very judgmental society,” Duke said. “As much as we may be informed, there is still that shadow, that fear. Don’t go near that person, that person is nuts.”

Both Saks and Duke lament the disparity in mental health care.

“What we are trying to do is to connect with the government, so we can get more funding,” Duke said. “We had just a fraction of the money going toward heart disease and cancer research it would benefit thousands of people.”

“The loss is measured in lost lives and contributions to society,” says Saks. “It’s a tragedy that most people don’t get the help they need. If they got help, they would be much happier and higher-functioning.”

She fervently believes that people with mental disorders should be allowed to pursue their dreams.

“People think they are doing the right thing when they tell someone who has been diagnosed to lower expectations,” Saks said. “I say shoot for the stars to do the things you have always dreamed of doing before you got sick. To tell people to lower their expectations is to do them a great disservice.”

Saks is currently conducting a research study of schizophrenics who, like herself, have become very successful in the careers through treatment of their mental illnesses. Her goal is try to determine what common denominators might exist among the study group that may be the basis for treatment options for others with the same diagnosis.

I do believe that most psychiatric illnesses are biochemical,” Saks said. “Stress exacerbates illness. If you keep someone stress-free, they will do better.”

Learning how to recognize the onset of her psychotic episodes helped Saks develop ways to handle them, especially by avoiding overstimulation.

“Stressful situations can cause me to have a break,” said Saks. “My husband likes to say that psychosis is not an off/on switch but dimmer switch. At the one end I could be confused. At the far end at I could be cowering in the corner.”

Psychoanalysis, Saks says, helped her learn how to identify her delusions, allowing her to understand their relationship to reality. To date, Saks has not had a major psychotic episode since 2001.

Treatment, Duke says, helped her become more creative. By leveling out her highs and lows of her mood cycles, she was able to focus on her acting. Ironically that focus, Duke says, was heightened by her fear of death, which she admits is her greatest fear.”

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