February 11th, 2009
I went to the doctor yesterday and he started me on new medications that I am not familiar with. I am on Lexapro, which is an antidepressant, Lamictal, which is a mood stabilizer, and Klonopin, which is for anxiety. I am a little leery about taking all of these medications but I would rather be totally numb than feel the way I’ve been feeling. This hopeless desperation is getting to be more than I can bear. I also have to go get blood work done and have a questionnaire that I have to fill out and take back next month. The Klonopin does not seem to do anything for the panic and it’s too soon for the others to have an effect. Maybe these will be the magic pills that finally make me feel better. Better living through chemistry. Right?
In other news, I finally got the house put back in order. I haven’t had the motivation to do anything for a while and after D left I suddenly started frantically looking for ways to make him come back or at least let me go to him. I know I am pathetic but he always complained about the house so I cleaned it top to bottom. I’m sending him pictures in the hope that he will see that I’m trying to make positive changes and that things would be better. He has said that once he gets settled I can come out there and we’ll take it from there. I want to make sure that it will not be the same dramatic, roller coaster disaster that our lives were before he left. I still miss him so much but having a goal to work towards and knowing that I will get to see him again makes me able to stand it a little more. I have always felt that things happen for a reason and maybe this had to happen so that I could worry about fixing myself instead of focusing on fixing my relationship. And I will do whatever needs to be done to get myself back together during this time.
February 3rd, 2009
I don’t even know what to do anymore. My head is spinning so fast that I can’t even make out all thoughts rushing around. The love of my life has moved to Romania and my heart is screaming at me to follow him. But I also have this voice that is rambling on about all my fears. If I do go I will be with D although not in the way I want and I will be giving up ever getting married or having kids. But I only wanted to get married and have kids with him, so who knows if I will ever want that again with anyone else anyway. I know right now I don’t want to be with anyone else at all. I would be happier spending the rest of my life next to him as a friend then settling for someone I will never love the way I love him. And what happens if he starts to date someone else; I could never bear to see that. Then there is the fact that I have to give up being close to my family, at least for now. But he is my family also so does that even count? And I have to think about the dogs. I know I could place Zoe and Athos no problem but what about Kenya and Merlin? And Hope is such a neurotic little mess. But they are just dogs and would forget about me as soon as they settled with a new family. All I do is cry all the time. Every time I see anything that even slightly reminds me of him I break down. Every time the phone rings or there is a new message in my inbox my heart starts to race and I hope it’s him. Then when it’s not I begin to cry. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat. I’ve been forcing down a turkey sandwich during lunch and it’s made me sick every time and I heat up dinner and it sits there while I fall asleep. At least the dogs have been eating well. I can’t even stomach chocolate and I had my first cup of coffee today and even that wasn’t enjoyable. It’s like all of the color and the joy in my life drained away when he left. I hate being in this big empty house and seeing all of the things he left behind but I can’t bring myself to move anything of his. I feel like if I move it then that makes it real that he’s gone. It’s just so final. I keep praying that he will call and say he is coming home but I know that is not going to happen. Even if he would just say that he still loves me then all of this pain and doubt would go away and I would know without a doubt what I need to do. I just want us to be the way we were and I don’t care where we have to be for that to happen because that is the only way anything will ever be right again. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life mourning for what should have been and regretting losing the love of my life.
