Life Inside Panic

I just talked to D and again I find myself in tears. I made the mistake of mentioning the visit once he gets settled and he very directly said “you do understand that we will never be together again”. And again my heart broke. Why am I so unworthy of forgiveness? I know the mistakes I have made and I take full responsibility for them. If only I could have met him now. If i could have had the opportunity to be the person he fell in love with instead of dragging him with me through my downward spiral. And now that I am aware and understand all that has happened all I want is a chance to get back what I lost. He told me I’m going to have to forgive myself and find a way to heal. To find a new life, meet someone, and start a family. Everyone of those words were daggers coming from him. I don’t want any of those things without him. I just want him. We were supposed to be forever. I don’t love him any less and for him to say he wishes things would have gone different but not be able to find some place in his heart to give me a chance is a torture I could never have imagined. I have made many mistakes in my life but never knew true regret until now. I would give anything to change this or even to be granted a fresh start. It was not me that did the horrible things that happened in our relationship and I wish that I could make D see that. To be told by the person you love most in the world that you can never make it right or start over is a fate worse than death. I will have to live the rest of my life knowing I destroyed the only thing that ever made me want to try. I can’t bear the thought that it took  actually losing him for me to get the help I needed and now that I have it, I almost feel as though it is all for nothing. Why does it matter if I’m stable if it just means I have to be sad, at least before I could just party and not care. I could hide any sadness behind my manic, reckless actions and just forget. Sometimes I think being emotionally stable comes at too high a cost. Is it worth the intense pain that comes with being aware of what I have done? Until I can have his forgiveness, I know I will never forgive myself. And until I have a chance to do it right I will always live my life in the shadow of regret and loss with pain as my companion. It is not fair to have someone let me into their heart when I can’t do the same. I have no heart left. I know I can never love someone while I am still in love with D.

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I thought I was past the depression but I was so very wrong. D tells me how he is stuck between two worlds and though I never tell him, I feel the same way. I’m stuck between longing for what should be and forcing myself to move forward in a life I don’t want. My world is filled with tears, regret, and loneliness. I try to pretend that I am not there but rather in a place filled with possibility and hope. I force myself to laugh so no one notices that I no longer smile and I yell so I can leave before they see the tears. I never allow anyone to look into my eyes because I am afraid that they will see past my facade and know I am hollow. I feel so broken that I will never be even close to whole again.

Everyone likes to tell me how I should meet new people but they don’t understand my hesitation comes from the fact that I have learned a great truth in life. Anyone new you come to know is just one more person you will have to lose. Life is pain. Sometimes it comes wrapped in a pretty package but ultimately everything ends up hurting us in the end. With how deeply I hurt everyday I know I can not take anymore. I have surpassed the point where you can move forward and hold on to that optimism that life will turn out as it should. Every experience in my life should have taught me that I am not destined for happiness but I rebelled against that fact. Holding on to the hope that life will work itself out and everything bad will ultimately lead to something good. I had it all wrong, everything good eventually turns to bad. Everything that brings you true happiness will, in the end, break your heart. I have finally accepted this truth and given in to what is to be my fate. The things I wanted out of life will never be. The future I thought I had found is dead and with it died every part of me that knew hope, optimism, or desire. All that is left is a cold emptiness, a blissful numbness that only subsides when the pain and longing flood in and overwhelm me.

It is so scary that the only thing that gets me up everyday is a phone call. Sometimes it’s only 5 minutes and sometimes it’s 30. Sometimes it’s as simple as the sound of the voice on the voicemail. But that is all I have left. A voice that for a few moments is able to take away the pain. I guess there really aren’t happily ever afters and true love stories don’t have happy endings. They just have endings…

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