Life Inside Panic

In an effort to help me quit smoking my dad bought me a starter kit of e-cigarettes and said he would pay for me to use this device to knock out my nasty cigarette habit. I decided to give this a try. It sounds great in theory, a vapor mist that contains nicotine but not any of the other carcinogens in cigarettes. Perfect! Well, me being me, I decided to do some digging and what I found spooks me almost as much as the risks of smoking in it’s regular form. First of all, I found out that the e-cigarette concept came from China. This is a country that felt it was acceptable to use lead paint on children’s toys, knowing that kids have a tendency to put things in their mouths. So we are clearly off to a bad start. Next I found that there is very little definitive information about what the vapor I’m inhaling is. At least with my Camels I know my risks and have a decent idea of the toxins I’m putting in my body. The thing that finally pushed me over the edge was the fact that the FDA is trying desperately to get these things banned. I know plenty of people are going to say that this is due to pressure from tobacco companies but let’s think about this logic for a moment. I do not remember any instance of nicotine patches or gum being lobbied against by the FDA. I never once heard the FDA say Nicorette should be pulled from the shelves or stopping shipments from crossing the border. The FDA has also done the much appreciated job of letting me know that one of the mystery substances in the vapor I have been inhaling, in an effort to kick my potentially cancer causing habit, is no other than diethylene glycol. This is one of the compounds that makes up antifreeze, as the FDA kindly points out. Upon further looking I also found that this “dangerous” ingredient is used in smoke machines and (get this) FDA approved medicinal inhalers. So now the very devices designed to help me improve my health could, possibly, kill me faster than the old fashioned cancer sticks. As if there weren’t enough stresses in my life, I now have to worry that every “healthy” decision I make might cause me more damage than my clearly unhealthy ones. I’m afraid of the e-cigarettes so I’m setting them to the side till I can do a little more research and have decided to attempt to quit the old-fashioned way for now. Hopefully I can kick my smoking habit in that way and not have to worry about rather it’s better to die from settling for nicotine vapor or enjoying the cigarettes that I’ve smoked for 18 years.

Yet again I put my trust and faith in someone that clearly was not worth it. I allowed myself to overlook the obvious signs that I could not count on this person and force myself to see the good that I wanted to be there. I based everything on the fact that this person was someone I could count on. I’m just glad I took and emotional step back and waited to see how they would prove them-self to me in other ways after our initial set back. For the first time resisting my urge to just forgive and turn a blind eye to the hurt someone had caused me  in order to follow my heart has saved me a tremendous amount of pain. Maybe I am learning to wait and see people for what they are instead of just seeing the things about them I like. If you can’t count on someone in small ways you certainly can’t count on them for the things that matter. I am so grateful that I took a step back this time and waited because it gave me the chance to see that this person was not at all who I thought they were. It hurts a lot less to find out before you are fully invested. The sting is still there but the devastation is not. I guess disappointment and a small amount of sadness is much better than a broken heart. So, maybe I am learning after all.

I just found out that in 40 days I will be homeless. Things keep getting worse and worse. I just posted an ad to sell everything I own and hopefully I can raise enough money to move and start somewhere new. I just don’t know what to do anymore. Why me? What could I have possibly done to deserve this bad of a life? I really don’t think I’m a bad person but I must be to have everything in my life going wrong. I’m not sure if you guys believe in karma but mine is seriously messed up. If anyone knows of a way I can get money together very quickly please let me know, I only have 40 days.

UPDATE

July 28, 2009

This is a prime example of me in panic mode. I don’t stop to think and just react with all emotion and no logic. I am, fortunately, not homeless. The lease was signed and all is calm again. I will be in my house for another 12 months at least. If only everything in life could be solved with a signature.

Yet again I can’t sleep. I am stressed about my life, my job, my future, my present, I can’t seem to let go of my past. Nothing is certain. I find no comfort in anything. So here I find myself staring at a months worth of Xanax, Lexipro, and Lamictal and wondering. What if the answer is that simple? What if since everything I touch will always turn to ash I should just shut myself down completely? What if my purpose was to figure out that I have none. Is it really even a life when it’s filled with nothing but disappointment, betrayal, loneliness, and agonizing pain? Feelings that make every day seem less like waking up for. I don’t want to feel anymore. I want to go back to the way I was when all that mattered was who was paying my bar tab and how I was getting home. Why did he have to change me so much that I can’t go back? Why did he have to make me want a life that I can’t have and at the same time make me despise everything that I was before? Why can’t I erase the pain and just remember the good? And why does he get to pretend as though nothing happened just because he can shut off his emotions like a switch? I want him to feel it, every bit of it. I want him to cry every night the way he did before. I want him to feel even for one day the pain I feel and not be able to just push it down and ignore it. I want him to feel it or me to not feel it ever again.

I have been looking for the key, a magical answer to make it all go away and just let me forget. But I’ve come to realize there isn’t one. I think everything I’m going through is a part of of my healing and instead of trying to turn it off I have to allow myself to feel it. The fear, doubt, anger, sadness, guilt, worry, worthlessness, the unanswered questions that are never ending. Some days are good, some days are ok, some days are not so good, and some days are just unbearable. The feeling of “this is not the right thing” clashes with the feeling of “it has to be the right thing” because it’s the only thing. My past, present, and future are in question, and my dreams and nightmares have begun to blend together. I’m starting to wonder what is worse, the dreams that I know are no longer true or the nightmares that are. The sleepless nights spent lying in my bed alone, feeling so utterly lost, have become such a habit I no longer try to fight them. Then I look in the mirror and think how did I allow myself to end up like this? How will I ever love again, how will I ever trust again? Who will ever love me again? I listen to people tell me I’m strong, I deserve better, I will be ok, but it doesn’t stop my fears or hurt.  I believe the only way forward is day by day, baby steps into a new world. Learn to be confident and to smile again. There is no date on the calendar that I can look at to know when I will be happy again. It is an uncertain path I must walk down. When the sun shines and I feel its warmth, when I feel safe, when I feel comfortable, when my head stops swimming with the questions, then I will know I am finally on the way to being truly me again. Time is a great healer but I must fight through my wilderness of loss first. I have to face all of these emotions and then I will be ready to begin to live again. I will find myself again, it will just take time, and I’m sure there will come a day when I look in the mirror and see the girl looking back at me that has been lost for so long now. This will be one of the hardest journeys of my life but I will not let it break me. Life will ultimately lead me in the right direction but for now I need to allow myself time to just feel it all.

So for all of you waiting for me to figure it out, there it is. You have to allow yourself to take it all in, to feel everything you want to ignore, and to find a way to cope. You have to know that there will be days it doesn’t feel worth it but there will be a day when you will look back and say I am a better and stronger person after what I went through. Just keep moving forward until the day comes that you no longer want to look back.