Life Inside Panic

I can’t seem to pull myself out of the devastation that was Monday. I just need one thing to go right. One thing for me to hold on to to give me the will to dig the rest of the way out of this hole. I am terrified because I know that the last thing I have will be gone in a few months unless something happens soon. It’s always said that God never gives you more than you can bear, so when is He going to let up on me? I have already broken and all that’s happening now is the pieces are being pulverized to nothing. I desperately need something to help me find my way back to myself.

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Today is off to a fabulous start. Yesterday I was all excited and nervous. I set up the coffee so it would be ready when I woke up, took Tylenol PM and a Xanax at like 10 so I could hopefully fall asleep at a decent hour. Then I went and laid down and read till I dozed off. The plan was to be up by 7:30, quick shower, and enjoy a cup of coffee. The reason I was so excited about all of this is because I have my first job interview in over 2 years today via phone. Well, I woke up startled and shaking from a nightmare and looked at the clock to see what time it was and the clock was out, then I noticed the ceiling fan was off as well, and then I realized my power had been cut off. I called to find out why since a payment had just been made 2 weeks ago and they said it was for nonpayment. I knew my bill was due last week but thought I could pay it tonight when my unemployment hit because they were just paid 2 WEEKS AGO. Last week I had to choose between paying that bill or going to the dr and filling my prescriptions so I did that and paid the water. How messed up is it when you have to decide between power and medication. I’m sitting here fighting back tears waiting for this lady to call so I can try to get through this interview although it seems kind of pointless now. No matter what I try to do I just screw it up. I thought I had a plan, I had everything worked out so I could pay my bills, pay for the dr, and pay for the pills but I couldn’t even do that right. I even refused to go the week before when my mom offered me the money because I really thought I could do it alone for once. I’ve tried to get ins through the state since I’m unemployed but apparently the unemployment that doesn’t cover my bills is too much for me to qualify and I tried a mental health program that is specifically designed to help people with no ins and mental illness but they said I don’t qualify either. How they hell can someone who is diagnosed bipolar with severe anxiety not qualify? I can barely leave the house medicated. There have been times I have tried to go to the grocery store just to get there, force myself out of the car, and then been so overwhelmed I threw up. Other times I’ve just sat there crying and wanting so bad just to walk in the store like any other person but just couldn’t. I have gone days eating nothing but canned green beans, everyday trying to go to the store and not being able to. It usually takes me 2 Xanax and a whole lot of mental preparation to make it in and then I rush through as fast as I can. Thank God for self checkouts or I would never go because by the time I get through the store I can’t face talking to a cashier. I just can’t believe this. Tuesday I had a really good day, a great day even. I went to the dr, then to Cosco to get my Rx filled and walked around by myself in the store. I even sat down and ate a slice of pizza without an attack. I just avoided eye contact, focused on my breathing and tried to pretend I was alone. I was feeling so good after that I decided to go to Walmart because I had some things to return and wanted to pick up. Walmart was a bit much but I took a Xanax and let it dissolve under my tongue (tastes horrible but works faster) and stayed in an empty isle until I calmed down then I checked out. At this point I felt like I was doing so much better than I had in months. I was so excited I called my grandmother and told her that I had been out and what I had bought. I was practically giddy I was so proud of myself. One outing in a day is overwhelming and I had made it to three very crowded places so I went ahead and headed to Blockbuster to rent a movie. By the time I got home I was shaking and sweaty but I had made it through with only one small episode. I actually began to think I might be capable of doing something and now this. I really am just pathetic. I can’t keep my house clean because I start and I get distracted or overwhelmed then discouraged and finally just quit because I realize what’s the point. I have no friends, no one is ever coming over and I find myself sitting on the floor somewhere crying. The really messed up part is that I truly love this house and when it’s clean it’s beautiful and I worked so hard to find all the perfect things to put in the perfect places. When I do get it put in order I don’t want to touch anything because I’m so afraid that I’ll mess it up and it’ll never look like that again. I always ask if my sisters can come help me and my mother thinks it’s because I’m lazy and I don’t argue because how do you explain that the company of an 8th grader means so much that it excites you to do something. How do you tell someone that your life is so sad and lonely that hanging out with a child can be the highlight of a month and give you a reason to try even if you don’t get much done at least it’s something. My interview is over and she said she’d call in a few days to set up an in person interview, I guess we’ll see. Now that I hung up the phone I can’t hold my composure anymore and I’m crying so hard that I can barely see. So I’m going to go lay down in my powerless house and try not to dwell on my pointless life. Maybe I can fall back asleep and hopefully I’ll wake up and this will have all been a bad dream and my coffee will be ready and the excitement and confidence I went to bed with will be there.

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In my recent quest to try and simplify my life as much as possible I have become almost obsessed with natural and organic products. I recently found a blog about this exact subject called Toxic Beauty. The site has a ton of cool information for anyone interested in this. Also they are currently running a giveaway for a set of natural lip balms by My Lip Stuff. Definitely give this a look.

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I’ve spent the last week coasting in and out of consciousness. My headache is constant and I am so exhausted it’s ridiculous. I wake up for a few hours here and there and then I go right back to sleep but I feel as though I’m not getting any at all. It’s like I’ve been up all night and then fell asleep 30 minutes before the alarm went off. I have a dr appointment on Tuesday and hopefully I can get things back on track. It’s pretty difficult to even function when you’re sleeping 18-20 hours a day.

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I am in hell right now. I ran out of my medication and am trying to get it refilled but for some reason I’m having problems getting it done this month. The pharmacy faxed my Dr and I called but neither of us have yet to receive a response. It’s only been a couple days since I ran out and already the withdrawal effects are agonizing and I’m terrified of what it’s going to get like if I can’t get these refills soon. Roger, my Dr, had warned me that I needed to be extremely careful not to abruptly stop the Lamictal because of how severe it would be. He warned me of horrific headaches, seizures, and a chance of death. Well no seizures and I’m still breathing but the headaches are excruciating. He also told me that people experience an increase in suicidal thoughts but I think truthfully it’s just that they can’t stand the pain. The other bad part is the emotions, I usually have ups and downs over the course of a day but right now I can go through more emotions than I usually do in days in a matter of fifteen minutes. I have four Xanax left but I am holding on to them until I absolutely need them. For now I’m just keeping the house as dark and cool as possible and trying to sleep until I can get my refills called in. I think yesterday I was awake a total of maybe 5 hours and that was an hour here, thirty minutes there. This drug truly is wonderful and has helped me better than anything else but I was not prepared for what would happen to me if I ran out. Just be aware that if you start this medication, you will probably have to be on it long term. The withdrawals are 100 times worse than what they explain could possibly happen so do research and read other peoples accounts of what they experienced and then decide if it is worth it for you. I feel that the benefits are worth it for me but I will do whatever it takes to never have a lapse between refills again. As I’m writing this the pain in my head is so bad that it’s making me dizzy and nauseous so I’m going to take some Tylenol PM, get in bed and hide my head under the covers and sleep. Hopefully my meds will be ready tomorrow and it will be a better day.

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