Life Inside Panic

My sister is driving me nuts. I seriously have not wanted to slap someone this much in such a long time. We were talking about making an orange julius so I looked up how and we ran to the store to get what we needed. While there, I thought I would be nice and pick up cinnamon rolls for the morning so we went over to grab one. As I pick up the container I here S exclaim “Ewwwww I don’t like cream cheese icing on mine!”. The people around us all turned to stare and she was oblivious. I glared at her and asked if she had ever had it and she said no. Drama over something that, as usual, she knows nothing about. I calmly told her that if she likes Cinnabon she will like these. After we got to the car I explained about a little thing called tact and how she didn’t seem to have any. She’s like a 2 year old in a restaurant that doesn’t like what’s on it’s plate. We just made the orange julius that began this whole ordeal and it’s so sweet I can’t drink it. So, between the sugar and the grinding of my teeth over all the irritation, I am going to need a new dentist soon.

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So it’s finally 2010. Thank god 2009 is over and can be put behind me. That was one of the roughest years of my life and I’m really hoping for a dramatically better new year. The only downfall so far is the battle over my house is now renewed. I really hate having to fight so hard to keep the one thing that makes me feel safe and sane. When I’m in this house I actually feel like me or at least as close as it gets. I have spent 2 years putting every item in it’s exact place. Anywhere you look in this house it’s me. This is the one place in the world that I have that I can just be silent and at peace and it’s being ripped away. I guess at this point it no longer matters, there’s nothing I can do or say to change the fact that I do not have any say in my life. I’m at the mercy of other’s whims and so I have to learn to just not care. I’m planning on asking the dr to up my meds so then I can just stay in a state of numbness and all of this won’t be so devastating to me. The cocktail they have me on right now is very interesting (Lexapro, Lamictal, Wellbutrin, Risperdal, and Xanax) and has triggered an extreme state of mania, one like I have never experienced before. I have cleaned to the point of pulling out all the furniture and cleaning under it, washing walls, fans and even the ceilings where they were within reach. I still feel this frantic need to clean more. I constantly feel as though there is something I should be doing and that it has to be done right then and before I finish one thing I’m off to another. I keep being told it’s all about adjusting till we find the right cocktail for me. Next Tues I have another dr appt and we shall see what they decide for me then. The dr has suggested that I apply for social security disability but I just don’t know. I want to go back to work; I don’t want the rest of my life to be spent with me as this damaged, pathetic excuse for a human being. Hopefully the good news for the new year will start rolling in soon cause I don’t think I can make it through another year like the last one.

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