Life Inside Panic

At what point did I decide that I was so desperate to get married and have kids that I would settle for anyone? Was it when I gained all this weight and started wondering if anyone would ever find me attractive? Was it when I turned 30 and that biological clock started ticking so loudly that it was drowning out the voice of reason? I’m 32 but might as well be 52 with the way I feel about this. I fret over rather or not I’ll find somebody. I watch movies where after everything the girl gets the guy and I realize they’re marketed towards single girls like me that are losing hope and need to cling to the idea that it could still happen. I want these things but I don’t even know if I could recognize the feeling of love now because I’ve worked so hard at forcing it for so long. I know I cut the chances of meeting someone to basically nothing by letting my low self-esteem keep me from even going out. I should be focusing on having fun and enjoying life instead of trying to manufacture the barbie dream life. Right now I should be worried about getting my house cleaned and getting in shape. Not for anyone else but for myself; so that I can feel good. I don’t need to buy stilettos and clothes sizes too small for me so that “when I lose this weight I have something to wear”. Instead I should buy what’s flattering to me now and worry about buying what fits 6 months from now then. Hopefully I will meet Mr. Right and have beautiful children someday but until then I need to be happy being just me. That or I could go to Vegas and marry some random guy and have it work out in the end. Oh wait, that’s another of those movies…

Today is a hard day. I woke up with this overwhelming sense of sadness and I just can’t get out of it. I hate days like this; days when I fight tears for no reason. I guess the truth of the matter is there is always a reason or reasons. The things that I do everything not to think of. Those dark little secrets that eat away at me from the inside. There’s so much I want to scream to the world, so many things I want to tell so many people. Days like this I wonder how can I do anything but give up. Fear is what keeps me going during times like this. Fear of the unknown, fear of the aftermath of failure. I always think of a million things that would make me happy if I could just make them reality. If I could lose weight, have more money, love my job enough to want to go everyday or not have to work at all, if I could find the one and start a family, but I know the truth. The truth is that these are all excuses. Just scapegoats for me to lay the blame of my mistakes on. I did not end up here by chance; this is the result of years of decisions. Turning left when I should have gone right, looking back when I should have moved forward, and not seeing what was right in front of me. I’ve tried to force so many things because I thought it was what should be that I wonder if anything I’ve ever felt was real or just what I’ve convinced myself it should be. Perhaps if I had focused on what was good for me and made me happy, instead of what would impress others, then my life would be where I want it to be now. I know I need to stop with all the what ifs and mourning over lost time because that is just costing me more. I need to look at me and find a way to love myself without putting so much value on what others think. I need to do what’s right for me so that I can find peace with myself and then maybe I’ll find the happiness I’ve been desperately clawing for.

So I drank last night. That’s never a good idea when I have this much on my mind. A couple of pina coladas and a bottle of wine into the night I decided that I needed to profess my feeling for T. This, as you can probably imagine, was not a good idea. Mostly because he was ignoring me last night. I’m pretty sure it’s because the last time I drank I did this and then took it back with a “nevermind… I’m sorry… I should think before I speak…” which was followed by him telling me to take other’s feelings into consideration next time. I apologized, promised not to do it again and all was well. Until last night.

I had gone to the surgeon and found out that I should be fine and that if the lump under my arm goes away I won’t need surgery. Yay! Realized I had made it all day without having a single wind knocked out of me, pain in my heart, thinking of D moment. I’m really surprised that I’m not taking it hard this time; maybe it’s because part of me knew he couldn’t change. No matter how much I love him, I would never love the life I would have had with him. Drinking and being cruel, blaming his failures on everyone else, and making empty promises. When I agreed to go it seemed like that was all behind him but after he started heavily drinking again, it all came back. I love him but not this thing he becomes when whiskey comes into the picture. I also was thinking that T might be feeling that same maybes between us as I’ve been feeling. So all in all, it was a good night.

Then the wine and the texts and the facebook posts. Today I feel so foolish but I read it all and thankfully I didn’t say anything too bad. I talked around what I actually wanted to say; it’s obvious I was fishing for T to ask me to talk. He always asks but last night didn’t. Maybe it’s for the best because if I need a bottle of wine to convince me to tell him then I’m clearly not ready.

I think I’m trying to force myself to talk to T. I posted something very vague on facebook and of course he picked it up right away and asked me about it. I danced around it enough that he ended up getting upset. I told him I was afraid of talking about it because I was afraid of being wrong and he asked why I posted that. Haven’t heard from him since. Do I risk the friendship I value so much for the possibility of more? Or do I just appreciate what I have and not push the boundaries? I don’t know what to do but I do know that whatever I decide needs to wait a while. I don’t want to jump right into something until I’m sure that I’m done with D. I would never forgive myself if, by some chance, T had feelings for me and we gave it a shot and then I hurt him. I spent so much time rationalizing D’s behavior and having to overlook things that it’s nice to talk to a guy that just makes me smile. T is a great guy and I know that if I were lucky enough to end up with him, he would make me very happy. I really think I want to go for this but it’s terrifying thinking I could screw up an amazing friendship. I need a sign!

I meet with the surgeon tomorrow about the mass under my arm and I’m really scared. I know it seems odd to focus on something as trivial as rather or not I’m interested in someone but right now it’s the one thing keeping me preoccupied.

Well, it happened. I was waiting for this and now it’s officially done. D has realized he “can live without me”, so I’ll let him. I’m a little hurt and very pissed off but mostly I feel sorry for him. What will happen to him now? At his age, with his issues and his poor health; I just really don’t see him finding someone that will want to spend their life with him. I love him enough that all of those things seemed insignificant in comparison to how I felt but if I met him now then things would have been very different. It’s weird but I’m not that upset. What does that mean? I’m still wearing my ring, it’s just easier. I’m not ready to start answering questions or meet someone new and this will deter both of those things. I am VERY excited not to have to re-home my babies and I get to keep my entire shoe selection plus my house. So there are bright sides, even if they are just material. I love D, I love him more than life and probably always will but I can’t keep doing this and I think the fact that I’ve felt it coming for a couple months made it much easier this time or maybe I’m just still in shock. Right now it’s easy for me to claim never again but we all know that if he catches me in a moment of weakness, I’ll fold. Love like this doesn’t just go away and I do still want him. I just don’t want someone that isn’t positive they want me or of what they want in general.

On the bright side I have T, who’s very happy I’m not going. He sends me very intriguing photos from time to time. We’ve both had some breakdowns where we admitted to things we shouldn’t. A couple weeks ago I text him at like 2AM professing feelings I’m not even sure I have and then panicked and ended the convo with “nevermind, I shouldn’t be telling you this”. The next day I apologized and he told me everything I said was fine up till the nevermind and that I should take his feelings into account next time. But he gives me butterflies and makes me smile; plus we have  history and a strong friendship. If this does develop, I think it would be a very good thing. I’ve been keeping distance because, as T said, if we hang out we both know what will end up happening. At this point I owe him breakfast (French Toast) and he owes me dinner (Chicken Piccata) and we’re half joking about taking a trip to Cali in December and going to Disneyland. I’ve been torn between these two for  a while but have never crossed the line out of respect for my commitment to D. Now however, there are no lines so we’ll see how it plays out. Slowly. I’m not ready for anything right away.

On a scarier note, I found a lump in my left breast and left underarm. The breast has been cleared but I’m meeting with a surgeon regarding the one under my arm. My mother is currently in treatment for breast cancer so I’m very freaked but trying to stay positive. I’ll update as I find out what’s happening.