So I drank last night. That’s never a good idea when I have this much on my mind. A couple of pina coladas and a bottle of wine into the night I decided that I needed to profess my feeling for T. This, as you can probably imagine, was not a good idea. Mostly because he was ignoring me last night. I’m pretty sure it’s because the last time I drank I did this and then took it back with a “nevermind… I’m sorry… I should think before I speak…” which was followed by him telling me to take other’s feelings into consideration next time. I apologized, promised not to do it again and all was well. Until last night.
I had gone to the surgeon and found out that I should be fine and that if the lump under my arm goes away I won’t need surgery. Yay! Realized I had made it all day without having a single wind knocked out of me, pain in my heart, thinking of D moment. I’m really surprised that I’m not taking it hard this time; maybe it’s because part of me knew he couldn’t change. No matter how much I love him, I would never love the life I would have had with him. Drinking and being cruel, blaming his failures on everyone else, and making empty promises. When I agreed to go it seemed like that was all behind him but after he started heavily drinking again, it all came back. I love him but not this thing he becomes when whiskey comes into the picture. I also was thinking that T might be feeling that same maybes between us as I’ve been feeling. So all in all, it was a good night.
Then the wine and the texts and the facebook posts. Today I feel so foolish but I read it all and thankfully I didn’t say anything too bad. I talked around what I actually wanted to say; it’s obvious I was fishing for T to ask me to talk. He always asks but last night didn’t. Maybe it’s for the best because if I need a bottle of wine to convince me to tell him then I’m clearly not ready.
