Life Inside Panic

Just another day; nothing special happened. But I smiled constantly. For whatever reason T kept popping in my head. I think I may be falling hard and fast. It’s been quite a while since there was something so new; which makes no sense since he’s actually from my past. I’m trying to just let things happen as they should and not over-think it. I guess we shall see.

We all have things we want to say; we think the details of our everyday lives are so important. I thought what I was going through was relevant to so many people and that there was so much for me to put out there, so when D go this site for me I was beyond excited. Now, it really just reminds me of how little I actually do have to tell about. I could dazzle you with all of the crazy amazing things I’ve done but those stories are all old. My life these days is spent at work or at home. I don’t know if my low self esteem caused me to stay home or vice versa but I do know that I’m stuck here. How do I change this and get my life moving again? I feel like I went off the rails somewhere and just can’t seem to get back on. Everyday that I live like this is a day of wasted life.

At what point did I decide that I was so desperate to get married and have kids that I would settle for anyone? Was it when I gained all this weight and started wondering if anyone would ever find me attractive? Was it when I turned 30 and that biological clock started ticking so loudly that it was drowning out the voice of reason? I’m 32 but might as well be 52 with the way I feel about this. I fret over rather or not I’ll find somebody. I watch movies where after everything the girl gets the guy and I realize they’re marketed towards single girls like me that are losing hope and need to cling to the idea that it could still happen. I want these things but I don’t even know if I could recognize the feeling of love now because I’ve worked so hard at forcing it for so long. I know I cut the chances of meeting someone to basically nothing by letting my low self-esteem keep me from even going out. I should be focusing on having fun and enjoying life instead of trying to manufacture the barbie dream life. Right now I should be worried about getting my house cleaned and getting in shape. Not for anyone else but for myself; so that I can feel good. I don’t need to buy stilettos and clothes sizes too small for me so that “when I lose this weight I have something to wear”. Instead I should buy what’s flattering to me now and worry about buying what fits 6 months from now then. Hopefully I will meet Mr. Right and have beautiful children someday but until then I need to be happy being just me. That or I could go to Vegas and marry some random guy and have it work out in the end. Oh wait, that’s another of those movies…

Today is a hard day. I woke up with this overwhelming sense of sadness and I just can’t get out of it. I hate days like this; days when I fight tears for no reason. I guess the truth of the matter is there is always a reason or reasons. The things that I do everything not to think of. Those dark little secrets that eat away at me from the inside. There’s so much I want to scream to the world, so many things I want to tell so many people. Days like this I wonder how can I do anything but give up. Fear is what keeps me going during times like this. Fear of the unknown, fear of the aftermath of failure. I always think of a million things that would make me happy if I could just make them reality. If I could lose weight, have more money, love my job enough to want to go everyday or not have to work at all, if I could find the one and start a family, but I know the truth. The truth is that these are all excuses. Just scapegoats for me to lay the blame of my mistakes on. I did not end up here by chance; this is the result of years of decisions. Turning left when I should have gone right, looking back when I should have moved forward, and not seeing what was right in front of me. I’ve tried to force so many things because I thought it was what should be that I wonder if anything I’ve ever felt was real or just what I’ve convinced myself it should be. Perhaps if I had focused on what was good for me and made me happy, instead of what would impress others, then my life would be where I want it to be now. I know I need to stop with all the what ifs and mourning over lost time because that is just costing me more. I need to look at me and find a way to love myself without putting so much value on what others think. I need to do what’s right for me so that I can find peace with myself and then maybe I’ll find the happiness I’ve been desperately clawing for.

So I drank last night. That’s never a good idea when I have this much on my mind. A couple of pina coladas and a bottle of wine into the night I decided that I needed to profess my feeling for T. This, as you can probably imagine, was not a good idea. Mostly because he was ignoring me last night. I’m pretty sure it’s because the last time I drank I did this and then took it back with a “nevermind… I’m sorry… I should think before I speak…” which was followed by him telling me to take other’s feelings into consideration next time. I apologized, promised not to do it again and all was well. Until last night.

I had gone to the surgeon and found out that I should be fine and that if the lump under my arm goes away I won’t need surgery. Yay! Realized I had made it all day without having a single wind knocked out of me, pain in my heart, thinking of D moment. I’m really surprised that I’m not taking it hard this time; maybe it’s because part of me knew he couldn’t change. No matter how much I love him, I would never love the life I would have had with him. Drinking and being cruel, blaming his failures on everyone else, and making empty promises. When I agreed to go it seemed like that was all behind him but after he started heavily drinking again, it all came back. I love him but not this thing he becomes when whiskey comes into the picture. I also was thinking that T might be feeling that same maybes between us as I’ve been feeling. So all in all, it was a good night.

Then the wine and the texts and the facebook posts. Today I feel so foolish but I read it all and thankfully I didn’t say anything too bad. I talked around what I actually wanted to say; it’s obvious I was fishing for T to ask me to talk. He always asks but last night didn’t. Maybe it’s for the best because if I need a bottle of wine to convince me to tell him then I’m clearly not ready.