At what point did I decide that I was so desperate to get married and have kids that I would settle for anyone? Was it when I gained all this weight and started wondering if anyone would ever find me attractive? Was it when I turned 30 and that biological clock started ticking so loudly that it was drowning out the voice of reason? I’m 32 but might as well be 52 with the way I feel about this. I fret over rather or not I’ll find somebody. I watch movies where after everything the girl gets the guy and I realize they’re marketed towards single girls like me that are losing hope and need to cling to the idea that it could still happen. I want these things but I don’t even know if I could recognize the feeling of love now because I’ve worked so hard at forcing it for so long. I know I cut the chances of meeting someone to basically nothing by letting my low self-esteem keep me from even going out. I should be focusing on having fun and enjoying life instead of trying to manufacture the barbie dream life. Right now I should be worried about getting my house cleaned and getting in shape. Not for anyone else but for myself; so that I can feel good. I don’t need to buy stilettos and clothes sizes too small for me so that “when I lose this weight I have something to wear”. Instead I should buy what’s flattering to me now and worry about buying what fits 6 months from now then. Hopefully I will meet Mr. Right and have beautiful children someday but until then I need to be happy being just me. That or I could go to Vegas and marry some random guy and have it work out in the end. Oh wait, that’s another of those movies…
