Every day I feel my sadness and loneliness growing. I do what I am supposed to; take my medication, go to my therapy, pretend to feel human but on the inside I am screaming out in pain. For the last couple of weeks I have not been able to contain my tears. I don’t understand what I have done to deserve this kind of life. I know that I have made mistakes but I have always thought I was a basically good person. I keep waiting to wake up one morning and have had some great epiphany on how to be happy but it never happens. I swear every night that tomorrow will be different, I will get up and do the things I need to do. But every day it’s the same. I drag myself out of bed, get a cup of coffee, and try to hide the emptiness I feel and make it through the day without breaking down in tears or yelling for no understandable reason. I know my greatest source of sadness comes from my failed relationship with D but I should be feeling some sense of closure by now. I long to feel his arms around me, to hear his heartbeat as I fall asleep, to see that smile and know it is for me. I miss him so intensely that some days I can actually feel the pieces of my heart shattering into even smaller fragments. I wonder if there is even enough of it left to ever feel joy again. My life is a pointless disaster. I have managed to become a 29 year old bitter, lonely, broke, unemployed, burden on every one I have ever loved. I thought my depression was chemical but I have been on my medication for over two months and though I no longer feel suicidal, I still have this hopelessness that is so intense I feel physical pain from it. I have an appointment with a new psychiatrist tomorrow and maybe he will be able to help me. I just want one morning where I am actually happy that I woke up instead of feeling dread to have to face another day.
