Life Inside Panic

I had a Dr appointment Monday and ended up having one of the worst panic attacks I’ve ever had. The nurses were putting cool compresses on me to lower my body temp and the dr ordered oxygen because my color was so bad and my pulseox had dropped. My blood pressure had gone severely high. Of course I had no Xanax so it just spiraled down from there. The dr has some concerns about other conditions it might be since my anxiety is worsening when it should be improving so I had to get bloodwork and will have results shortly.

Other than that, I’ve been doing pretty good as of late. Having conversations with old friends and one in particular that makes me smile and might even be giving me a slight case of the butterflies. I’m enjoying having my sister here even if I want to kill her half the time. But I did lose Dolce, she died in her sleep, which was extremely hard for me. She was the last Valentine’s present from D before he bailed on me. D and I talked a bit last night and things seemed normal. Then he started messaging me drunk this morning; I won’t go into it but needless to say he was abnormally cruel. I don’t understand how someone who once claimed to love me could be so heartless. I guess I was a fool to have believed him to begin with. I always think every conversation with him will end with him wanting to put it all behind us and start over but I need to learn better. My life is not perfect but it is pretty ok right now. I have people that love me, a nice house that I feel safe in, a truck (that I despise but it’s free so I can’t complain lol), a couple good friends that I can count on no matter what, and T who lets me cry, whine, complain, and babble for hours on end and always manages to make me feel better. So while I might have broken down and cried all morning, feeling like a horrible person and that I deserved this all it took was a little pep talk from T for me to remember that I’m better than that. Hopefully I can remember that the next time D lets loose on me like that.

Yet again I have allowed my hope to override my better judgment. Facebook is a wonderful place to reconnect but it’s also a treacherous area where your past can find you. Well, mine did and I accepted it back in to my present. I received a request from D and, of course, accepted. Then came the hope of renewed communication. He agreed with a post I had made and wished me a Happy Birthday. His relationship status was changed to “it’s complicated”, which had me wondering what was going on in his life. And finally came the message ” I’m gonna get a card for the us and call you, I miss talking to you”. That was followed by nothing. No call. No message letting me know what happened. Just more questions and a little more salt in the wound. I keep thinking that I will understand his motives and be able to insulate myself from him but as soon as I hear from him it all comes back. My heart flutters and I feel that tiny seed of hope start to grow again. One of these days my heart will catch up to my head and he’ll no longer have the power to hurt me.

Facebook has also brought some joy as of late. I found a friend from high school and we have been talking. T is someone that I have always regretted losing. We had a very brief relationship and I liked him so much that just hearing his name always brought a smile to my face.  But, I was young and stupid and very concerned about what my friends thought so I allowed them to influence me. I broke things off with him based on the fact that I was getting grief from my two best friends. I spent the next couple years with an intense crush on him and feeling like a fool for not being able to stand up for myself. T was always a really great guy. He was so funny and had a truly sweet nature. He also had the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen. We’ve been chatting a little bit and, though he is very different, he still brings that smile to my face. I don’t know if it’s who he now or just the memory of that crush but I am always happy when his name pops up on yahoo or on my phone. It’s really nice to be starting a new friendship with someone that I have actually missed since graduating. It’s crazy the people that you continue to think about for years after they have left your life. I really hope we stay in contact this time.

It amazes me how sometimes a person will come in to your life and change everything. I believe all of my experiences have molded me in to the person I am and pushed me forward towards my destiny. The hard part is when I’m not sure if I should be moving forward or have already found it. How do we know when to fight for someone or just to keep going? Is it when the butterflies never go away? When the tears continue to flow? When the dreams never stop? I’ve always thought that if you just follow your heart ultimately everything will work out but I have learned that just because my heart desires it doesn’t mean it will be. It doesn’t matter how much I love someone or how badly I want them in my life if they don’t feel the same. How long can I wait for what I know can never be. I try so hard to make my heart follow my head. I try to be logical and ignore my emotions. I truly wish that this would pass, it has been so long. I have heard that once you find true love that person always holds a piece of your heart but in my case I believe that the person I loved took it all. I have nothing left to give anyone else and, for now, no desire to try. The strange part is as much as I used to fear being alone now I choose it because I feel I deserve better than having to settle. I have found a comfort in accepting this as my fate. I still dream of a life that will never be but always wake to reality. I still cry my tears and feel the pain of my broken heart but I refuse to crumble. I have moved so far past the anger and resentment that I have almost forgotten it was ever there. I can’t blame someone for how they feel any more than I can change how I do. For now, I will live my life as it is and try to find small moments of happiness in every day. I’ll have fun goofing with my sister or playing with my dogs. I’ll enjoy escaping in to a book or a movie. I’ll continue to journal so that I can see how over time my perspective changes. I don’t feel any different than I did a year ago, and I don’t know if I ever will, but I have learned to accept the situation for what it is. I cherish every second we had, both good and bad. But, I no longer spend my days trying to find that one thing I can say or do to bring him back to me or trying to figure out the exact moment where it all changed and things started to fall apart. I still cry, I still hurt, I still regret, but I no longer blame or live in denial. Life happens and that can’t be stopped; all I can do is hope that somewhere along the line I find someone I can just be still with. Even if that person is me.

The last few days it seems all I can do is sleep. I’m probably out for around 15 hours a day. I’ll have to remember to ask my dr about it next time I go in, perhaps I need a tweak on my meds.
I managed to open a 2 decade old wound this week. And it was only to find that what I was looking for wasn’t there. My Daddy David died when I was 6 and there was a small box of his belongings and a flag that I desperately wanted. The flag was placed in my hands by his unit at his funeral but the box I was unsure of. It contained the personal items he had on him and supposedly his medals. I found some very disappointing info in that box, a small piece of knowledge that broke my heart. The man responsible for my birth, that I had on a pedestal my entire life, didn’t know my or my brother’s birthdays. He had them written down completely wrong but at least got the year right for Robert’s. I guess he wasn’t the perfect fantasy dad I had thought he was. And only one of the medals is there. So now I get to go through all the red tape to get his military records released and the medals replaced. It’s going to take a while but I feel it’s important for them to be in shadowbox as a keepsake for the family. If I never have children then I will pass them to my brother’s children. He may not have been a perfect man but he deserves to be remembered with dignity for the things he did.
I’m still waiting to hear back from SSI for the disability. I received a packet a bit ago and filled it out and sent it back right away. I’ll have to touch base with them again tomorrow and see if I can get some answers. I also received a call that the state was cutting funding so who knows if my dr visits, meds, or therapy will continue to be free. I actually enjoy the therapy, even if it serves as nothing more than an emotional outlet for me. I go in an unload and cry or scream when I need to and she never judges. I always feel so drained but at least it’s not bottled up any more.
As far as home goes, it’s turned into a circus around here. We have two new large breed puppies. I have no idea what kind of dogs they may be but Calliope is 40 lbs and Pandora is 35 and they were born in January. So needless to say I’m slightly intimidated by how big they are going to get. They act like normal puppies but are already as large as a medium size dog so them running through the house is reminiscent of the running of the bulls. And anything they can reach they drag outside and shred before you know it’s missing. They even make Athos look calm but they are so cute and are learning to behave (slowly).

So, it’s been a while. I haven’t been posting because I could practically copy and paste the same post for every day. I’m in counseling twice a week and my medication hasn’t changed but neither has my state of mind. I just have this hollowness that I can’t explain to anyone in a way that they understand. The only time I don’t feel it is when I’m filled with fear. It’s almost like part of my soul, my very essence is gone. I’m trying to find something that will help fill the void but as of yet all I’ve come across have been temporary distractions. I have been taking cake decorating classes every Thursday to help me get out and around people and while I’m getting good at the decorating, my social anxieties aren’t lessening at all. That pretty much leads to every day being the same. The only times I leave my house are for dr appointments or if I have to go shopping. The counseling is new, so maybe that will be the key to me finally finding some sort of closure or healing and will allow me to start living a happy and productive life again.