I thought I was past the depression but I was so very wrong. D tells me how he is stuck between two worlds and though I never tell him, I feel the same way. I’m stuck between longing for what should be and forcing myself to move forward in a life I don’t want. My world is filled with tears, regret, and loneliness. I try to pretend that I am not there but rather in a place filled with possibility and hope. I force myself to laugh so no one notices that I no longer smile and I yell so I can leave before they see the tears. I never allow anyone to look into my eyes because I am afraid that they will see past my facade and know I am hollow. I feel so broken that I will never be even close to whole again.
Everyone likes to tell me how I should meet new people but they don’t understand my hesitation comes from the fact that I have learned a great truth in life. Anyone new you come to know is just one more person you will have to lose. Life is pain. Sometimes it comes wrapped in a pretty package but ultimately everything ends up hurting us in the end. With how deeply I hurt everyday I know I can not take anymore. I have surpassed the point where you can move forward and hold on to that optimism that life will turn out as it should. Every experience in my life should have taught me that I am not destined for happiness but I rebelled against that fact. Holding on to the hope that life will work itself out and everything bad will ultimately lead to something good. I had it all wrong, everything good eventually turns to bad. Everything that brings you true happiness will, in the end, break your heart. I have finally accepted this truth and given in to what is to be my fate. The things I wanted out of life will never be. The future I thought I had found is dead and with it died every part of me that knew hope, optimism, or desire. All that is left is a cold emptiness, a blissful numbness that only subsides when the pain and longing flood in and overwhelm me.
It is so scary that the only thing that gets me up everyday is a phone call. Sometimes it’s only 5 minutes and sometimes it’s 30. Sometimes it’s as simple as the sound of the voice on the voicemail. But that is all I have left. A voice that for a few moments is able to take away the pain. I guess there really aren’t happily ever afters and true love stories don’t have happy endings. They just have endings…
