Life Inside Panic

In my recent quest to try and simplify my life as much as possible I have become almost obsessed with natural and organic products. I recently found a blog about this exact subject called Toxic Beauty. The site has a ton of cool information for anyone interested in this. Also they are currently running a giveaway for a set of natural lip balms by My Lip Stuff. Definitely give this a look.

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I’ve spent the last week coasting in and out of consciousness. My headache is constant and I am so exhausted it’s ridiculous. I wake up for a few hours here and there and then I go right back to sleep but I feel as though I’m not getting any at all. It’s like I’ve been up all night and then fell asleep 30 minutes before the alarm went off. I have a dr appointment on Tuesday and hopefully I can get things back on track. It’s pretty difficult to even function when you’re sleeping 18-20 hours a day.

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I am in hell right now. I ran out of my medication and am trying to get it refilled but for some reason I’m having problems getting it done this month. The pharmacy faxed my Dr and I called but neither of us have yet to receive a response. It’s only been a couple days since I ran out and already the withdrawal effects are agonizing and I’m terrified of what it’s going to get like if I can’t get these refills soon. Roger, my Dr, had warned me that I needed to be extremely careful not to abruptly stop the Lamictal because of how severe it would be. He warned me of horrific headaches, seizures, and a chance of death. Well no seizures and I’m still breathing but the headaches are excruciating. He also told me that people experience an increase in suicidal thoughts but I think truthfully it’s just that they can’t stand the pain. The other bad part is the emotions, I usually have ups and downs over the course of a day but right now I can go through more emotions than I usually do in days in a matter of fifteen minutes. I have four Xanax left but I am holding on to them until I absolutely need them. For now I’m just keeping the house as dark and cool as possible and trying to sleep until I can get my refills called in. I think yesterday I was awake a total of maybe 5 hours and that was an hour here, thirty minutes there. This drug truly is wonderful and has helped me better than anything else but I was not prepared for what would happen to me if I ran out. Just be aware that if you start this medication, you will probably have to be on it long term. The withdrawals are 100 times worse than what they explain could possibly happen so do research and read other peoples accounts of what they experienced and then decide if it is worth it for you. I feel that the benefits are worth it for me but I will do whatever it takes to never have a lapse between refills again. As I’m writing this the pain in my head is so bad that it’s making me dizzy and nauseous so I’m going to take some Tylenol PM, get in bed and hide my head under the covers and sleep. Hopefully my meds will be ready tomorrow and it will be a better day.

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Tonight is one of those nights where I feel a peaceful disconnect. It’s a welcome change from the hurricane that is usually taking place in my head. I spent a little time in my bedroom earlier just looking at everything and I realized that I felt as though I was in someone else’s home. I was looking at the bed with it’s perfect white sheets, down comforter, and mounds of white pillows. The books strategically organized by size and in alphabetical order. The items placed deliberately on the nightstands. Everything soothing and calm except the dramatic red of the painting on the wall. I wish everything could be put in that kind of order, that life could be fixed as simply as putting the pillows just so. I also spent some time sitting outside and enjoying the night. It’s rare here to have nights like these. It’s cool, the wind is blowing, and it’s so quiet. I live in the city and a quiet Saturday night just doesn’t happen. It’s also a full moon tonight so everything has that shimmery glow that bright moonlight gives off. Nights like this make me wish the power would go out so all the streetlights would be off. I have everything in the house turned off and just some candles going and I feel more relaxed than I have in a long time. This is the way I want to feel all the time. My head is clear and my thoughts focused, I have no sense of anxiousness, and I don’t want to cry or yell. I’m just here and calm.

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It’s amazing how sometimes a song can feel like it was written as the soundtrack for a moment in your life.

I know I haven’t written anything on here in a while. I guess all of what I have to say isn’t anything I want posted for the world. I have been writing a lot but it has all been in journals. I just feel so vulnerable right now and I don’t know if I am capable of truly opening that up. All I want to do is take a step, start to walk but it’s like my feet are in concrete. I look forward and I can’t see what’s there. I look back and I see pain and disappointment. So, I find myself paralyzed; unable to go back and terrified to move on. It’s like this house, I know I can’t get everything I need by staying in it all the time but it’s safe and I know what to expect through every door. Outside I have no control; there’s no familiarity, no safety. It’s a world filled with unrecognizable faces, uncertain situations, and unknown places. I never know what kind of horrible things could be behind any of the strange doors. Every one I open leaves me exposed. There are days when I go get in the truck and find myself sitting there crying, unable to even open the garage because I don’t know what is on the other side. I’m just so tired of being afraid. I know that not everything in life will cause me pain but that nagging voice is always there to remind me of how bad it can hurt. How this world can leave you shattered in a million pieces and alone to try to put them back together.

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