July 21st, 2011
I think I’m trying to force myself to talk to T. I posted something very vague on facebook and of course he picked it up right away and asked me about it. I danced around it enough that he ended up getting upset. I told him I was afraid of talking about it because I was afraid of being wrong and he asked why I posted that. Haven’t heard from him since. Do I risk the friendship I value so much for the possibility of more? Or do I just appreciate what I have and not push the boundaries? I don’t know what to do but I do know that whatever I decide needs to wait a while. I don’t want to jump right into something until I’m sure that I’m done with D. I would never forgive myself if, by some chance, T had feelings for me and we gave it a shot and then I hurt him. I spent so much time rationalizing D’s behavior and having to overlook things that it’s nice to talk to a guy that just makes me smile. T is a great guy and I know that if I were lucky enough to end up with him, he would make me very happy. I really think I want to go for this but it’s terrifying thinking I could screw up an amazing friendship. I need a sign!
I meet with the surgeon tomorrow about the mass under my arm and I’m really scared. I know it seems odd to focus on something as trivial as rather or not I’m interested in someone but right now it’s the one thing keeping me preoccupied.
July 20th, 2011
Well, it happened. I was waiting for this and now it’s officially done. D has realized he “can live without me”, so I’ll let him. I’m a little hurt and very pissed off but mostly I feel sorry for him. What will happen to him now? At his age, with his issues and his poor health; I just really don’t see him finding someone that will want to spend their life with him. I love him enough that all of those things seemed insignificant in comparison to how I felt but if I met him now then things would have been very different. It’s weird but I’m not that upset. What does that mean? I’m still wearing my ring, it’s just easier. I’m not ready to start answering questions or meet someone new and this will deter both of those things. I am VERY excited not to have to re-home my babies and I get to keep my entire shoe selection plus my house. So there are bright sides, even if they are just material. I love D, I love him more than life and probably always will but I can’t keep doing this and I think the fact that I’ve felt it coming for a couple months made it much easier this time or maybe I’m just still in shock. Right now it’s easy for me to claim never again but we all know that if he catches me in a moment of weakness, I’ll fold. Love like this doesn’t just go away and I do still want him. I just don’t want someone that isn’t positive they want me or of what they want in general.
On the bright side I have T, who’s very happy I’m not going. He sends me very intriguing photos from time to time. We’ve both had some breakdowns where we admitted to things we shouldn’t. A couple weeks ago I text him at like 2AM professing feelings I’m not even sure I have and then panicked and ended the convo with “nevermind, I shouldn’t be telling you this”. The next day I apologized and he told me everything I said was fine up till the nevermind and that I should take his feelings into account next time. But he gives me butterflies and makes me smile; plus we have history and a strong friendship. If this does develop, I think it would be a very good thing. I’ve been keeping distance because, as T said, if we hang out we both know what will end up happening. At this point I owe him breakfast (French Toast) and he owes me dinner (Chicken Piccata) and we’re half joking about taking a trip to Cali in December and going to Disneyland. I’ve been torn between these two for a while but have never crossed the line out of respect for my commitment to D. Now however, there are no lines so we’ll see how it plays out. Slowly. I’m not ready for anything right away.
On a scarier note, I found a lump in my left breast and left underarm. The breast has been cleared but I’m meeting with a surgeon regarding the one under my arm. My mother is currently in treatment for breast cancer so I’m very freaked but trying to stay positive. I’ll update as I find out what’s happening.
July 18th, 2011
The words I knew would eventually be said finally were and I no longer know what to do. Up is down and right is wrong. All I know is I’m devastated and stupid for believing that he could ever change. Maybe he’s right and his heart is sick. No matter what the reason, he has left me in despair again and I don’t think I will be able to forgive this time.
July 17th, 2011
Apparently I have a bit more work to do on me than I thought. I was doing good, really good but then a couple wrong words from D and I’m laying on the couch in the same pj’s I’ve been wearing for 2 days, drinking a slurpee (my biggest addiction), and eating Famous Amos chocolate chip cookies. All the while feeling horrible about myself. This is why I can’t get my ass into most of the jeans in my closet anymore. I’m going to wallow in my self pity for today (might as well finish what I started) and then that’s it. No more of this crap! If I continue to do this every time I get a sad then I’m going to end up 300lbs and agoraphobic. Tomorrow it’s back to work and back to a normal schedule. Next weekend I have to catch up on everything I let slip this weekend. No more slurpee binges either and I have to find time to work out; even if it’s only 20 min a day. I refuse to slip back into that self-destructive, depressed state. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!
July 10th, 2011
So, it’s been a week. No messages, no emails. Just unanswered questions. I’ve begged for a response, even if it’s just to tell me to go to hell and still nothing. I don’t understand. Plans were made, promises exchanged, and now silence. How can someone be so cruel?
