Life Inside Panic

My sister is driving me nuts. I seriously have not wanted to slap someone this much in such a long time. We were talking about making an orange julius so I looked up how and we ran to the store to get what we needed. While there, I thought I would be nice and pick up cinnamon rolls for the morning so we went over to grab one. As I pick up the container I hear S exclaim “Ewwwww I don’t like cream cheese icing on mine!”. The people around us all turned to stare and she was oblivious. I glared at her and asked if she had ever had it and she said no. Drama over something that, as usual, she knows nothing about. I calmly told her that if she likes Cinnabon she will like these. After we got to the car I explained about a little thing called tact and how she didn’t seem to have any. She’s like a 2 year old in a restaurant that doesn’t like what’s on it’s plate. We just made the orange julius that began this whole ordeal and it’s so sweet I can’t drink it. So, between the sugar and the grinding of my teeth over all the irritation, I am going to need a new dentist soon.

So it’s finally 2010. Thank god 2009 is over and can be put behind me. That was one of the roughest years of my life and I’m really hoping for a dramatically better new year. The only downfall so far is the battle over my house is now renewed. I really hate having to fight so hard to keep the one thing that makes me feel safe and sane. When I’m in this house I actually feel like me or at least as close as it gets. I have spent 2 years putting every item in it’s exact place. Anywhere you look in this house it’s me. This is the one place in the world that I have that I can just be silent and at peace and it’s being ripped away. I guess at this point it no longer matters, there’s nothing I can do or say to change the fact that I do not have any say in my life. I’m at the mercy of other’s whims and so I have to learn to just not care. I’m planning on asking the dr to up my meds so then I can just stay in a state of numbness and all of this won’t be so devastating to me. The cocktail they have me on right now is very interesting (Lexapro, Lamictal, Wellbutrin, Risperdal, and Xanax) and has triggered an extreme state of mania, one like I have never experienced before. I have cleaned to the point of pulling out all the furniture and cleaning under it, washing walls, fans and even the ceilings where they were within reach. I still feel this frantic need to clean more. I constantly feel as though there is something I should be doing and that it has to be done right then and before I finish one thing I’m off to another. I keep being told it’s all about adjusting till we find the right cocktail for me. Next Tues I have another dr appt and we shall see what they decide for me then. The dr has suggested that I apply for social security disability but I just don’t know. I want to go back to work; I don’t want the rest of my life to be spent with me as this damaged, pathetic excuse for a human being. Hopefully the good news for the new year will start rolling in soon cause I don’t think I can make it through another year like the last one.

I just got home from a day with my family and I was reminded of how other peoples tension can cause a negative emotional response. I had to take 2 Xanax just to deal with my brother’s typical crap.
~Little backstory~
My 16 yr old sister S recently moved in with me due to severe personality conflicts between my mother and S. Things were getting so bad that they could barely be in the same room without exploding. This move has been beneficial to all in my opinion. Our mother seems less stressed, S is much happier, and I have benefited greatly by having to take care of myself so I can take care of someone else. The one person that has taken this hard is our dad; he is really close with S and misses her terribly.
~Back to today~
So, everyone is having a nice time and my brother picks a fight about why I suddenly am showing such an interest in S. Maybe it’s just me but I feel it’s normal to be there for your family when they need you no matter what has happened in the past. I love everyone of them and would do anything within my power for them (even my asshole brother). It never fails that you can have a perfect family get together and that one jerk relative can cap it off on a bad note.
At any rate, other than my brother’s tantrum, the day was really nice. Everyone got what they asked for and I had said I wanted nothing but still got some very nice things. I am actually sitting here typing this in my new Snuggie. lol These things really are warm and comfy. Now that things are starting to get on a more regular schedule with S being here I will be making the effort, that I keep promising, to write daily. As for now, gonna curl up in my snuggie and watch a movie with my little sis, who’s curled up in her snuggie (mom went snuggie crazy this year), and just relax till I doze off for a couple hours. Have to be at the store by 6 to hit after Christmas sales.

I can’t seem to pull myself out of the devastation that was Monday. I just need one thing to go right. One thing for me to hold on to to give me the will to dig the rest of the way out of this hole. I am terrified because I know that the last thing I have will be gone in a few months unless something happens soon. It’s always said that God never gives you more than you can bear, so when is He going to let up on me? I have already broken and all that’s happening now is the pieces are being pulverized to nothing. I desperately need something to help me find my way back to myself.

Today is off to a fabulous start. Yesterday I was all excited and nervous. I set up the coffee so it would be ready when I woke up, took Tylenol PM and a Xanax at like 10 so I could hopefully fall asleep at a decent hour. Then I went and laid down and read till I dozed off. The plan was to be up by 7:30, quick shower, and enjoy a cup of coffee. The reason I was so excited about all of this is because I have my first job interview in over 2 years today via phone. Well, I woke up startled and shaking from a nightmare and looked at the clock to see what time it was and the clock was out, then I noticed the ceiling fan was off as well, and then I realized my power had been cut off. I called to find out why since a payment had just been made 2 weeks ago and they said it was for nonpayment. I knew my bill was due last week but thought I could pay it tonight when my unemployment hit because they were just paid 2 WEEKS AGO. Last week I had to choose between paying that bill or going to the dr and filling my prescriptions so I did that and paid the water. How messed up is it when you have to decide between power and medication. I’m sitting here fighting back tears waiting for this lady to call so I can try to get through this interview although it seems kind of pointless now. No matter what I try to do I just screw it up. I thought I had a plan, I had everything worked out so I could pay my bills, pay for the dr, and pay for the pills but I couldn’t even do that right. I even refused to go the week before when my mom offered me the money because I really thought I could do it alone for once. I’ve tried to get ins through the state since I’m unemployed but apparently the unemployment that doesn’t cover my bills is too much for me to qualify and I tried a mental health program that is specifically designed to help people with no ins and mental illness but they said I don’t qualify either. How they hell can someone who is diagnosed bipolar with severe anxiety not qualify? I can barely leave the house medicated. There have been times I have tried to go to the grocery store just to get there, force myself out of the car, and then been so overwhelmed I threw up. Other times I’ve just sat there crying and wanting so bad just to walk in the store like any other person but just couldn’t. I have gone days eating nothing but canned green beans, everyday trying to go to the store and not being able to. It usually takes me 2 Xanax and a whole lot of mental preparation to make it in and then I rush through as fast as I can. Thank God for self checkouts or I would never go because by the time I get through the store I can’t face talking to a cashier. I just can’t believe this. Tuesday I had a really good day, a great day even. I went to the dr, then to Cosco to get my Rx filled and walked around by myself in the store. I even sat down and ate a slice of pizza without an attack. I just avoided eye contact, focused on my breathing and tried to pretend I was alone. I was feeling so good after that I decided to go to Walmart because I had some things to return and wanted to pick up. Walmart was a bit much but I took a Xanax and let it dissolve under my tongue (tastes horrible but works faster) and stayed in an empty isle until I calmed down then I checked out. At this point I felt like I was doing so much better than I had in months. I was so excited I called my grandmother and told her that I had been out and what I had bought. I was practically giddy I was so proud of myself. One outing in a day is overwhelming and I had made it to three very crowded places so I went ahead and headed to Blockbuster to rent a movie. By the time I got home I was shaking and sweaty but I had made it through with only one small episode. I actually began to think I might be capable of doing something and now this. I really am just pathetic. I can’t keep my house clean because I start and I get distracted or overwhelmed then discouraged and finally just quit because I realize what’s the point. I have no friends, no one is ever coming over and I find myself sitting on the floor somewhere crying. The really messed up part is that I truly love this house and when it’s clean it’s beautiful and I worked so hard to find all the perfect things to put in the perfect places. When I do get it put in order I don’t want to touch anything because I’m so afraid that I’ll mess it up and it’ll never look like that again. I always ask if my sisters can come help me and my mother thinks it’s because I’m lazy and I don’t argue because how do you explain that the company of an 8th grader means so much that it excites you to do something. How do you tell someone that your life is so sad and lonely that hanging out with a child can be the highlight of a month and give you a reason to try even if you don’t get much done at least it’s something. My interview is over and she said she’d call in a few days to set up an in person interview, I guess we’ll see. Now that I hung up the phone I can’t hold my composure anymore and I’m crying so hard that I can barely see. So I’m going to go lay down in my powerless house and try not to dwell on my pointless life. Maybe I can fall back asleep and hopefully I’ll wake up and this will have all been a bad dream and my coffee will be ready and the excitement and confidence I went to bed with will be there.