Life Inside Panic

There is really nothing new to report. Last night I was starving and I almost caved but had some hot tea and fell asleep. Today I am far less hungry although in the last half hour I have noticed my stomach is growling a little. It’s 4:30 PM and I only have 20 oz of lemonade left for the day. I’m thinking tonight I might forgo the smooth move tea for some peppermint tea but we will see. I had never noticed how much food there is on tv. It seems like every commercial is about fast food and every show has characters eating. Everything looks so good when you know you can’t have anything.

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So, I went in for my follow up and the doc upped my meds again. Now I’m on 20mg Lexapro, 100mg Lamictal, and back to Xanax 3 times a day. My anxiety has gotten so bad that I can barely leave the house and the depression is almost overwhelming. I keep telling myself to just get over it and forcing myself to go to the store or even just walk to the mailbox but nothing is helping the depression. I’m convinced there is nothing that is going to cure that because it’s the result of losing the love of my life. It’s strange because since taking these pills the only things I feel are the pain and loneliness of him being gone and the fear of being alone in this house. I try to keep busy to keep my mind off of him but every time I have a moment with my thoughts I cry. I never knew that anything could hurt like this. I’ve been trying to make the changes he asked of me in the hope that he will come home and see that everything is different now or will let me move there so I can show him that I am the person he knew I was in the beginning. The house is always as clean as he wanted it and I’ve been trying to get back in shape. I have found an auction site with a chat and talking to all these people has really been helping a lot. It’s like a little online family. I’ve exchanged #’s and emails with a few of them so we can talk outside of a public forum. One of the lady’s even sent me these things called tastykakes and they are heavenly. Now if i can just find a way to heal my broken heart I might be able to work on my anxiety. I keep waiting for the day when it will start to feel better but every day I just feel the loss more. I just can’t wrap my head around the fact that we will never be together again. I feel like everything that had any meaning in my life is gone. I don’t enjoy anything anymore because I can’t share it with him. Every time I watch a new movie or get something in the mail I want him to be there. When the dogs do something funny or I do something stupid I just want to run upstairs to his office and tell him. When something goes wrong I want him to hold me and tell me it’s gonna be ok. I try to think of the fights or the other problems we had but my mind instantly jumps back to all the good things. I miss his offbeat sense of humor, the way he would just start dancing for no reason, the way he would look like a little boy on Christmas when he was excited about anything. I miss watching him fall asleep in the chair and swear he was just resting his eyes. I miss his confidence and how he could enter and room and make everyone else seem so insignificant. I miss how safe I felt with him and how I could just look at him and my heart would melt. I miss the butterflies I got in my stomach every time I heard his voice on the phone. He once said everything would be alright as long as we were together and those words run through my head day and night. I know more everyday how true that statement was because every day spent without him nothing feels right. I dream he’s coming home and wake up swearing I hear him walking through the door and it’s like losing him over and over again. I would give up the rest of my life if I could just have my last day spent with him. I just want this pain to go away. I don’t want to spend any more days curled up on the couch crying. Someone asked me the other day if I would rather have a million dollars or true love and I told them I found true love and it hurts too much so knowing what I know now I would take the money. I almost wish I had never met him because at least then I wouldn’t know what it feels like to have lost him.

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