Life Inside Panic

My sister is driving me nuts. I seriously have not wanted to slap someone this much in such a long time. We were talking about making an orange julius so I looked up how and we ran to the store to get what we needed. While there, I thought I would be nice and pick up cinnamon rolls for the morning so we went over to grab one. As I pick up the container I here S exclaim “Ewwwww I don’t like cream cheese icing on mine!”. The people around us all turned to stare and she was oblivious. I glared at her and asked if she had ever had it and she said no. Drama over something that, as usual, she knows nothing about. I calmly told her that if she likes Cinnabon she will like these. After we got to the car I explained about a little thing called tact and how she didn’t seem to have any. She’s like a 2 year old in a restaurant that doesn’t like what’s on it’s plate. We just made the orange julius that began this whole ordeal and it’s so sweet I can’t drink it. So, between the sugar and the grinding of my teeth over all the irritation, I am going to need a new dentist soon.

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Yet again I can’t sleep. I am stressed about my life, my job, my future, my present, I can’t seem to let go of my past. Nothing is certain. I find no comfort in anything. So here I find myself staring at a months worth of Xanax, Lexipro, and Lamictal and wondering. What if the answer is that simple? What if since everything I touch will always turn to ash I should just shut myself down completely? What if my purpose was to figure out that I have none. Is it really even a life when it’s filled with nothing but disappointment, betrayal, loneliness, and agonizing pain? Feelings that make every day seem less like waking up for. I don’t want to feel anymore. I want to go back to the way I was when all that mattered was who was paying my bar tab and how I was getting home. Why did he have to change me so much that I can’t go back? Why did he have to make me want a life that I can’t have and at the same time make me despise everything that I was before? Why can’t I erase the pain and just remember the good? And why does he get to pretend as though nothing happened just because he can shut off his emotions like a switch? I want him to feel it, every bit of it. I want him to cry every night the way he did before. I want him to feel even for one day the pain I feel and not be able to just push it down and ignore it. I want him to feel it or me to not feel it ever again.

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Once again D has shown his true colors. We were having a decent night, a few beers, a movie, no real conversation but I tried. Then I got up to get us some snacks and a couple of beers. On the way back to the couch my foot snagged his cord for the laptop. Heaven forbid! I can’t count the number of times the dumbass dogs have done the same thing. Also for the record, I can’t count the number of times he has broken or destroyed something of mine. Just last night he broke a mirror that was a set of three that I searched long and hard to fill a spot on the wall by the front door. He wouldn’t even help me look for pieces in the hope that I could put it back together. I didn’t yell or through a fit because I knew it was an accident, I trip over his cord and it’s a major crisis. He told me what an idiot I was and various other insults, then takes the tobacco (I helped pay for) upstairs and shuts himself in his room. Every day I realize he is less of a man and more of a spoiled child. I ran to the corner and got cigarettes and when I got home he had brought the tobacco downstairs. Too little, too late. I can’t even begin to add up the damage he has done to my belongings and he wants to act like this over me tripping over a cord that did no harm? I am growing more and more tired of being the focus of his abuse because he is unhappy with his life. Grow up and get over it. Life is hard. Learn to appreciate the things you have before you lose them completely. All I know is that I once thought my love for him was unconditional but every day I find that he finds ways to disprove that.

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