Life Inside Panic

I had a Dr appointment Monday and ended up having one of the worst panic attacks I’ve ever had. The nurses were putting cool compresses on me to lower my body temp and the dr ordered oxygen because my color was so bad and my pulseox had dropped. My blood pressure had gone severely high. Of course I had no Xanax so it just spiraled down from there. The dr has some concerns about other conditions it might be since my anxiety is worsening when it should be improving so I had to get bloodwork and will have results shortly.

Other than that, I’ve been doing pretty good as of late. Having conversations with old friends and one in particular that makes me smile and might even be giving me a slight case of the butterflies. I’m enjoying having my sister here even if I want to kill her half the time. But I did lose Dolce, she died in her sleep, which was extremely hard for me. She was the last Valentine’s present from D before he bailed on me. D and I talked a bit last night and things seemed normal. Then he started messaging me drunk this morning; I won’t go into it but needless to say he was abnormally cruel. I don’t understand how someone who once claimed to love me could be so heartless. I guess I was a fool to have believed him to begin with. I always think every conversation with him will end with him wanting to put it all behind us and start over but I need to learn better. My life is not perfect but it is pretty ok right now. I have people that love me, a nice house that I feel safe in, a truck (that I despise but it’s free so I can’t complain lol), a couple good friends that I can count on no matter what, and T who lets me cry, whine, complain, and babble for hours on end and always manages to make me feel better. So while I might have broken down and cried all morning, feeling like a horrible person and that I deserved this all it took was a little pep talk from T for me to remember that I’m better than that. Hopefully I can remember that the next time D lets loose on me like that.

I went to the doctor yesterday and he started me on new medications that I am not familiar with. I am on Lexapro, which is an antidepressant, Lamictal, which is a mood stabilizer, and Klonopin, which is for anxiety. I am a little leery about taking all of these medications but I would rather be totally numb than feel the way I’ve been feeling. This hopeless desperation is getting to be more than I can bear. I also have to go get blood work done and have a questionnaire that I have to fill out and take back next month. The Klonopin does not seem to do anything for the panic and it’s too soon for the others to have an effect. Maybe these will be the magic pills that finally make me feel better. Better living through chemistry. Right?

In other news, I finally got the house put back in order. I haven’t had the motivation to do anything for a while and after D left I suddenly started frantically looking for ways to make him come back or at least let me go to him. I know I am pathetic but he always complained about the house so I cleaned it top to bottom. I’m sending him pictures in the hope that he will see that I’m trying to make positive changes and that things would be better. He has said that once he gets settled I can come out there and we’ll take it from there. I want to make sure that it will not be the same dramatic, roller coaster disaster that our lives were before he left. I still miss him so much but having a goal to work towards and knowing that I will get to see him again makes me able to stand it a little more. I have always felt that things happen for a reason and maybe this had to happen so that I could worry about fixing myself instead of focusing on fixing my relationship. And I will do whatever needs to be done to get myself back together during this time.

I can’t believe people are actually even thinking of this. It brings to mind using shock therapy to treat patients in a mental hospital. Wow! I don’t even know what to say to this one.

From the Associated Press…

“Study: Brain stimulation may ease anxiety disorder

By STEPHANIE NANO

NEW YORK (AP) — The same kind of deep brain stimulation used to treat some patients for Parkinson’s disease also helped a few people suffering from obsessive-compulsive disorder, French scientists reported.

Their study involved only 16 patients, but in four of them, symptoms nearly disappeared. However, many patients had serious side effects, including one case of bleeding in the brain.

The treatment involved an experimental brain pacemaker, and it reduced repetitive thoughts and behaviors in some of the patients — just as it blocks tremors for some Parkinson’s sufferers.

The researchers came up with the approach after noticing that two Parkinson’s patients who got the treatment also saw an improvement to their obsessive-compulsive disorders. Other small studies have targeted a different part of the brain for that disorder and depression.

In the French study, symptoms were reduced more than 25 percent, the researchers said.

The results are “very encouraging,” said the study’s lead author, Dr. Luc Mallet of Pitie-Salpetriere Hospital in Paris. In an e-mail, he said the procedure should be used only in medical studies at the moment because of the possible side effects.

The findings are reported in Thursday’s New England Journal of Medicine.

About 2.2 million American adults have obsessive-compulsive disorder. It involves recurring, unwanted thoughts, such as a fear of germs, and people who have it engage in rituals such as repeatedly washing their hands or checking on something again and again.

Standard treatment, antidepressants and psychotherapy, doesn’t work in everyone. The patients in the French study were severe cases who didn’t respond well to treatment.

All had surgery to have the pacemaker — similar to a heart pacemaker — implanted in their chest and connected to electrodes inserted into their brains. Each patient had the pacemaker turned on for three months and turned off for three months. Neither the patients nor their doctors knew when the device was on or off.

The researchers used different tests to measure changes in symptoms. In one evaluation, after three months of stimulation, the severity of symptoms overall had dipped to 19 on a 40-point scale, compared to a score of 28 after three months of no treatment.

Eleven patients had serious side effects; one had bleeding in the brain and two had infections from the surgery. For some patients, the stimulation resulted in a mild form of mania and other problems that went away when adjustments were made.

Mallet said the area of the brain they targeted — the subthalamic nucleus — deals with motion, thinking and emotion. Previous studies for obsessive-compulsive disorder, or OCD, focused on regions involving mood and anxiety, he said.

“We’re still not exactly sure where the sweet spot is in the brain to reduce the symptoms of OCD,” said Dr. Wayne Goodman, a psychiatrist at the National Institute of Mental Health. “Even if you think you’re in the right neighborhood, you may be one block off. And one block off in the brain may be just 1 millimeter.”

Goodman said he was initially alarmed by the serious side effects but noted that many were temporary and others were not unexpected. He said the challenge will be deciding whether the risks are worth it for individual patients.

Another French researcher, Dr. Antoine Pelissolo, said the patients in the study, who now all have their pacemakers turned on, are still being followed. Researchers are also testing stimulating two areas of the brain at the same time, he said.

The pacemakers used in the study were bought from Medtronic Inc., which had no role but paid for the researchers’ meetings. Some of the scientists have received consulting fees and grants from Medtronic.”

Ok. I guess I should probably tell you a little about myself. My name is Christy and I’m 29. I come from a very large family (6 sisters and 3 brothers). I have wonderful parents who have always given me everything I needed or wanted. I guess you could say I am spoiled but I know how hard they have worked to provide me and my siblings with the lives we have and I appreciate every single thing they do for me. I have been blessed with an extraordinarily loving and supportive family, from my parents and siblings to my grandparents and aunts and uncles.

We moved around a lot when I was growing up but I always made friends quickly and really loved my childhood. School came easy for me but I didn’t have the patience for classes so I spent most of high school at the mall, river, or partying with my friends. I only graduated due to an accelerated program that essentially allowed me to gain credits by testing out of the classes. I started my senior year with 6 credits and graduated with 21 and a half. That was 1/2 credit more than I needed. I have had anxiety and depression issues since I was a teenager. I can remember in high school feeling very empty and alone even though I was surrounded by tons of friends. I found that by getting high or drinking I didn’t feel that emptiness as much and I spent most of my teenage years in a haze. But, I must say that I had a lot of fun.

I moved out of my parents house at 18 and ended up getting pregnant shortly after. The pregnancy was ectopic and the experience sent me into my first downward spiral. I was so sad that I didn’t want to see or talk to anyone. Most days I wouldn’t even get up to shower or brush my teeth. My friends called and called but I refused to answer. My mother finally got me to go back to the doctor who immediately started me on Celexa 40mg and I felt blissfully numb. I had no emotional response to anything. After about 6 months I stopped the medication and managed to maintain for a long time with no major episodes.

Fast forward about ten years. I was doing pretty good. I had a great job, great friends, cute condo, cute convertible, and very little stress. I had sworn off relationships due to a couple very bad experiences. I ended up in a car accident that led me to a bar where I met D. He talked to me all night and I ended up hanging out at his place after the bar where we talked till dawn and he woke me up with coffee and brunch. We have been together every day since. Our relationship moved very quickly; we went from complete strangers to living together almost immediately. I fell in love with him in a matter of weeks and knew he was the one I wanted to spend my life with. Our relationship was passionate (AKA tumultuous). We loved each other immensely but we fought hard and often. More often than not we were vicious and unfair in the things we said when we got heated. I begged him time and again to stop drinking so much and he asked me just as often to get help for my mood swings.

Almost a year and half, and quite a lot of drama, later he tells me we don’t fit and we shouldn’t be together (although we are still living together but I will get into that with another post).  Overnight I had gone from planning on marrying and having children with the love of my life to all of that being gone. I was devastated; all I could do was cry. I went back on Celexa (although only 20mg) and started taking Atavan to help with my increasing panic attacks. In the midst of this I was going through some pretty serious medical problems and my family suffered a major crisis. I ended up missing work or having to leave early because there was just too much happening and I couldn’t keep it together. It all came to a head when I had had a complete breakdown at work and was sent home by my supervisor, who told me to get in to see someone or she was taking me to the crisis center when she got off work. I saw a therapist that day and was put on medical leave from my job. My work ended up denying the leave and terminating me. Now I am taking my meds, going to therapy, and trying to fill a lot of free time.

So, that basically brings us up to date. I tried finding more information about what was happening to me online and was pretty disappointed with what I was able to find so I decided to put something together myself. The site was progressing nicely until I decided to change it around and all of my content was lost, so we are back at square one. I really hope that this site evolves into a support group where people find a sort of haven to talk and find answers to whatever questions they may have. I will try to update this site and add information frequently. Please comment on anything I post from my blogs to the articles and such. And definitely check out the forum.

Hope to talk to you soon.

Christy