Life Inside Panic

So I drank last night. That’s never a good idea when I have this much on my mind. A couple of pina coladas and a bottle of wine into the night I decided that I needed to profess my feeling for T. This, as you can probably imagine, was not a good idea. Mostly because he was ignoring me last night. I’m pretty sure it’s because the last time I drank I did this and then took it back with a “nevermind… I’m sorry… I should think before I speak…” which was followed by him telling me to take other’s feelings into consideration next time. I apologized, promised not to do it again and all was well. Until last night.

I had gone to the surgeon and found out that I should be fine and that if the lump under my arm goes away I won’t need surgery. Yay! Realized I had made it all day without having a single wind knocked out of me, pain in my heart, thinking of D moment. I’m really surprised that I’m not taking it hard this time; maybe it’s because part of me knew he couldn’t change. No matter how much I love him, I would never love the life I would have had with him. Drinking and being cruel, blaming his failures on everyone else, and making empty promises. When I agreed to go it seemed like that was all behind him but after he started heavily drinking again, it all came back. I love him but not this thing he becomes when whiskey comes into the picture. I also was thinking that T might be feeling that same maybes between us as I’ve been feeling. So all in all, it was a good night.

Then the wine and the texts and the facebook posts. Today I feel so foolish but I read it all and thankfully I didn’t say anything too bad. I talked around what I actually wanted to say; it’s obvious I was fishing for T to ask me to talk. He always asks but last night didn’t. Maybe it’s for the best because if I need a bottle of wine to convince me to tell him then I’m clearly not ready.

Well, it happened. I was waiting for this and now it’s officially done. D has realized he “can live without me”, so I’ll let him. I’m a little hurt and very pissed off but mostly I feel sorry for him. What will happen to him now? At his age, with his issues and his poor health; I just really don’t see him finding someone that will want to spend their life with him. I love him enough that all of those things seemed insignificant in comparison to how I felt but if I met him now then things would have been very different. It’s weird but I’m not that upset. What does that mean? I’m still wearing my ring, it’s just easier. I’m not ready to start answering questions or meet someone new and this will deter both of those things. I am VERY excited not to have to re-home my babies and I get to keep my entire shoe selection plus my house. So there are bright sides, even if they are just material. I love D, I love him more than life and probably always will but I can’t keep doing this and I think the fact that I’ve felt it coming for a couple months made it much easier this time or maybe I’m just still in shock. Right now it’s easy for me to claim never again but we all know that if he catches me in a moment of weakness, I’ll fold. Love like this doesn’t just go away and I do still want him. I just don’t want someone that isn’t positive they want me or of what they want in general.

On the bright side I have T, who’s very happy I’m not going. He sends me very intriguing photos from time to time. We’ve both had some breakdowns where we admitted to things we shouldn’t. A couple weeks ago I text him at like 2AM professing feelings I’m not even sure I have and then panicked and ended the convo with “nevermind, I shouldn’t be telling you this”. The next day I apologized and he told me everything I said was fine up till the nevermind and that I should take his feelings into account next time. But he gives me butterflies and makes me smile; plus we have  history and a strong friendship. If this does develop, I think it would be a very good thing. I’ve been keeping distance because, as T said, if we hang out we both know what will end up happening. At this point I owe him breakfast (French Toast) and he owes me dinner (Chicken Piccata) and we’re half joking about taking a trip to Cali in December and going to Disneyland. I’ve been torn between these two for  a while but have never crossed the line out of respect for my commitment to D. Now however, there are no lines so we’ll see how it plays out. Slowly. I’m not ready for anything right away.

On a scarier note, I found a lump in my left breast and left underarm. The breast has been cleared but I’m meeting with a surgeon regarding the one under my arm. My mother is currently in treatment for breast cancer so I’m very freaked but trying to stay positive. I’ll update as I find out what’s happening.