Life Inside Panic

Yet again I can’t sleep. I am stressed about my life, my job, my future, my present, I can’t seem to let go of my past. Nothing is certain. I find no comfort in anything. So here I find myself staring at a months worth of Xanax, Lexipro, and Lamictal and wondering. What if the answer is that simple? What if since everything I touch will always turn to ash I should just shut myself down completely? What if my purpose was to figure out that I have none. Is it really even a life when it’s filled with nothing but disappointment, betrayal, loneliness, and agonizing pain? Feelings that make every day seem less like waking up for. I don’t want to feel anymore. I want to go back to the way I was when all that mattered was who was paying my bar tab and how I was getting home. Why did he have to change me so much that I can’t go back? Why did he have to make me want a life that I can’t have and at the same time make me despise everything that I was before? Why can’t I erase the pain and just remember the good? And why does he get to pretend as though nothing happened just because he can shut off his emotions like a switch? I want him to feel it, every bit of it. I want him to cry every night the way he did before. I want him to feel even for one day the pain I feel and not be able to just push it down and ignore it. I want him to feel it or me to not feel it ever again.

I have been looking for the key, a magical answer to make it all go away and just let me forget. But I’ve come to realize there isn’t one. I think everything I’m going through is a part of of my healing and instead of trying to turn it off I have to allow myself to feel it. The fear, doubt, anger, sadness, guilt, worry, worthlessness, the unanswered questions that are never ending. Some days are good, some days are ok, some days are not so good, and some days are just unbearable. The feeling of “this is not the right thing” clashes with the feeling of “it has to be the right thing” because it’s the only thing. My past, present, and future are in question, and my dreams and nightmares have begun to blend together. I’m starting to wonder what is worse, the dreams that I know are no longer true or the nightmares that are. The sleepless nights spent lying in my bed alone, feeling so utterly lost, have become such a habit I no longer try to fight them. Then I look in the mirror and think how did I allow myself to end up like this? How will I ever love again, how will I ever trust again? Who will ever love me again? I listen to people tell me I’m strong, I deserve better, I will be ok, but it doesn’t stop my fears or hurt.  I believe the only way forward is day by day, baby steps into a new world. Learn to be confident and to smile again. There is no date on the calendar that I can look at to know when I will be happy again. It is an uncertain path I must walk down. When the sun shines and I feel its warmth, when I feel safe, when I feel comfortable, when my head stops swimming with the questions, then I will know I am finally on the way to being truly me again. Time is a great healer but I must fight through my wilderness of loss first. I have to face all of these emotions and then I will be ready to begin to live again. I will find myself again, it will just take time, and I’m sure there will come a day when I look in the mirror and see the girl looking back at me that has been lost for so long now. This will be one of the hardest journeys of my life but I will not let it break me. Life will ultimately lead me in the right direction but for now I need to allow myself time to just feel it all.

So for all of you waiting for me to figure it out, there it is. You have to allow yourself to take it all in, to feel everything you want to ignore, and to find a way to cope. You have to know that there will be days it doesn’t feel worth it but there will be a day when you will look back and say I am a better and stronger person after what I went through. Just keep moving forward until the day comes that you no longer want to look back.

My theory on men in love

Ok, so lets get this out right up front. I am a newly single, 29yo, somewhat bitter woman. I do NOT hate all men; in fact after this last breakup I have given it a great deal of thought and actually feel some compassion for you. I am convinced that there is some sort of biological reaction that happens between oxytocin (the hormone that is released when we are in love) and testosterone. It must cause a kind of temporary insanity and because you guys have tons more testosterone… Well you do the math.
They have proven that positive thinking can be as effective, sometimes more effective, in patients with depression and anxiety disorders (both chemical). The patient is taught to examine their thought process and try to look at things in a more uplifting way so they don’t have a negative emotional response. If this works for them then it must work for you as well. I am going to point out what I feel are the four most common forms of delusion that this particular type of mental illness seems to cause in the hope that perhaps a couple guys out there will remember this and try the positive thinking technique until I can get a grant to do medical research and develop a drug to treat this condition.
1. Biological Clock
Lets get this one right off the bat. I understand that you all think that you are the perfect male specimen and that we are chasing you around with this ticking noise in our heads, dieing for you to impregnate us. Not the case. If we love you and are planning a future together, especially talking about marriage, then children will eventually come up. Do not allow yourself to spiral into paranoid delusions of us trying to trap you with a baby. Either talk about it and relax or say you aren’t sure how you feel about having kids and that you’d like to think about it. Picking out baby names and suddenly having unprotected sex leads us to believe we are on the same page, it does not mean we are crazy and trying to trick you into fatherhood.
2. Male Friends
Guys, again I implore you to control the voices in your head. I can’t count the number of my ex’s who have given me the “men and women can’t just be friends and if your ex is still talking to you it’s because he wants something” lecture. Followed by a jealous declaration that I need to choose between the relationship I’m in or friends who happen to have a Y chromosome. This also helps to prove that it is a temporary condition caused by a reaction to hormones because the majority of those guys now feel it is perfectly acceptable to remain friends with a female once they are not in love any longer. My current ex even feels that we should be roommates, because “we still care about each other as people” and he “really doesn’t want us not to live together” and we now have a completely platonic relationship. A year ago however, I made a phone call in the middle of the night to a friend that I had a past relationship with to tell him I could not talk to him any longer. This was done with my ex sitting right next to me angry about a late night text from this friend who happens to work nights. Before you freak remember, once this hormone is not screwing with your mental balance, you might actually want to maintain a friendship with us. There was obviously enough you liked about us to make you fall in love. And honestly, have you never had a friend of the opposite sex that was a platonic relationship or you dated and just didn’t match but still enjoyed each others company?
3. Cheating
This is the one that I think is caused by the least amount of testosterone because both men and women suffer with this. If your partner goes to the store, friends house, families house, or just doesn’t pick up the phone because they have fallen asleep early; it does NOT mean they are cheating. This one can spin out of control quickly so before you become hysterical or fly into a vindictive rage, stop and think. The last time you ran to the store and it took longer than expected was it because you were being mounted in the bathroom by a cashier that you found irresistible or were the lines just long? When you went out with your friends, did you come home late because you were caught up in conversation or because you secretly met up with your ex for a steamy quicky? And of course, you can not honestly tell me you have never been so exhausted you just fell asleep. If right now you are getting all indignant and thinking that’s exactly the case then the problem is not with the person you are with but with you. and that brings us to the last one.
4. All Women Are Crazy/Evil
Boys, boys, boys. Ever heard that question “does a crazy person know they are crazy”? It comes from the fact that people in delusional states see their version of events as reality even if the rest of the world does not. Hence the whole “it’s them not me” logic. So, I really want you to try hard with this one. Repeat to yourself that it is not mathematically possible for every person who you have been with to have been nuts. It just doesn’t add up. I know a couple crazy girls so they are definitely out there but I know many more wonderfully sane (albeit confused by your lack of logic and reason) women.
So, please guys, I beg you to open your eyes and see past your little delusional bubble so that we all might find a little happiness. If clinically depressed, suicidal patients can do it I know you can too.

Every day I feel my sadness and loneliness growing. I do what I am supposed to; take my medication, go to my therapy, pretend to feel human but on the inside I am screaming out in pain. For the last couple of weeks I have not been able to contain my tears. I don’t understand what I have done to deserve this kind of life. I know that I have made mistakes but I have always thought I was a basically good person. I keep waiting to wake up one morning and have had some great epiphany on how to be happy but it never happens. I swear every night that tomorrow will be different, I will get up and do the things I need to do. But every day it’s the same. I drag myself out of bed, get a cup of coffee, and try to hide the emptiness I feel and make it through the day without breaking down in tears or yelling for no understandable reason. I know my greatest source of sadness comes from my failed relationship with D but I should be feeling some sense of closure by now. I long to feel his arms around me, to hear his heartbeat as I fall asleep, to see that smile and know it is for me. I miss him so intensely that some days I can actually feel the pieces of my heart shattering into even smaller fragments. I wonder if there is even enough of it left to ever feel joy again. My life is a pointless disaster. I have managed to become a 29 year old bitter, lonely, broke, unemployed, burden on every one I have ever loved. I thought my depression was chemical but I have been on my medication for over two months and though I no longer feel suicidal, I still have this hopelessness that is so intense I feel physical pain from it. I have an appointment with a new psychiatrist tomorrow and maybe he will be able to help me. I just want one morning where I am actually happy that I woke up instead of feeling dread to have to face another day.

Ok. I guess I should probably tell you a little about myself. My name is Christy and I’m 29. I come from a very large family (6 sisters and 3 brothers). I have wonderful parents who have always given me everything I needed or wanted. I guess you could say I am spoiled but I know how hard they have worked to provide me and my siblings with the lives we have and I appreciate every single thing they do for me. I have been blessed with an extraordinarily loving and supportive family, from my parents and siblings to my grandparents and aunts and uncles.

We moved around a lot when I was growing up but I always made friends quickly and really loved my childhood. School came easy for me but I didn’t have the patience for classes so I spent most of high school at the mall, river, or partying with my friends. I only graduated due to an accelerated program that essentially allowed me to gain credits by testing out of the classes. I started my senior year with 6 credits and graduated with 21 and a half. That was 1/2 credit more than I needed. I have had anxiety and depression issues since I was a teenager. I can remember in high school feeling very empty and alone even though I was surrounded by tons of friends. I found that by getting high or drinking I didn’t feel that emptiness as much and I spent most of my teenage years in a haze. But, I must say that I had a lot of fun.

I moved out of my parents house at 18 and ended up getting pregnant shortly after. The pregnancy was ectopic and the experience sent me into my first downward spiral. I was so sad that I didn’t want to see or talk to anyone. Most days I wouldn’t even get up to shower or brush my teeth. My friends called and called but I refused to answer. My mother finally got me to go back to the doctor who immediately started me on Celexa 40mg and I felt blissfully numb. I had no emotional response to anything. After about 6 months I stopped the medication and managed to maintain for a long time with no major episodes.

Fast forward about ten years. I was doing pretty good. I had a great job, great friends, cute condo, cute convertible, and very little stress. I had sworn off relationships due to a couple very bad experiences. I ended up in a car accident that led me to a bar where I met D. He talked to me all night and I ended up hanging out at his place after the bar where we talked till dawn and he woke me up with coffee and brunch. We have been together every day since. Our relationship moved very quickly; we went from complete strangers to living together almost immediately. I fell in love with him in a matter of weeks and knew he was the one I wanted to spend my life with. Our relationship was passionate (AKA tumultuous). We loved each other immensely but we fought hard and often. More often than not we were vicious and unfair in the things we said when we got heated. I begged him time and again to stop drinking so much and he asked me just as often to get help for my mood swings.

Almost a year and half, and quite a lot of drama, later he tells me we don’t fit and we shouldn’t be together (although we are still living together but I will get into that with another post).  Overnight I had gone from planning on marrying and having children with the love of my life to all of that being gone. I was devastated; all I could do was cry. I went back on Celexa (although only 20mg) and started taking Atavan to help with my increasing panic attacks. In the midst of this I was going through some pretty serious medical problems and my family suffered a major crisis. I ended up missing work or having to leave early because there was just too much happening and I couldn’t keep it together. It all came to a head when I had had a complete breakdown at work and was sent home by my supervisor, who told me to get in to see someone or she was taking me to the crisis center when she got off work. I saw a therapist that day and was put on medical leave from my job. My work ended up denying the leave and terminating me. Now I am taking my meds, going to therapy, and trying to fill a lot of free time.

So, that basically brings us up to date. I tried finding more information about what was happening to me online and was pretty disappointed with what I was able to find so I decided to put something together myself. The site was progressing nicely until I decided to change it around and all of my content was lost, so we are back at square one. I really hope that this site evolves into a support group where people find a sort of haven to talk and find answers to whatever questions they may have. I will try to update this site and add information frequently. Please comment on anything I post from my blogs to the articles and such. And definitely check out the forum.

Hope to talk to you soon.

Christy