Life Inside Panic

I had a Dr appointment Monday and ended up having one of the worst panic attacks I’ve ever had. The nurses were putting cool compresses on me to lower my body temp and the dr ordered oxygen because my color was so bad and my pulseox had dropped. My blood pressure had gone severely high. Of course I had no Xanax so it just spiraled down from there. The dr has some concerns about other conditions it might be since my anxiety is worsening when it should be improving so I had to get bloodwork and will have results shortly.

Other than that, I’ve been doing pretty good as of late. Having conversations with old friends and one in particular that makes me smile and might even be giving me a slight case of the butterflies. I’m enjoying having my sister here even if I want to kill her half the time. But I did lose Dolce, she died in her sleep, which was extremely hard for me. She was the last Valentine’s present from D before he bailed on me. D and I talked a bit last night and things seemed normal. Then he started messaging me drunk this morning; I won’t go into it but needless to say he was abnormally cruel. I don’t understand how someone who once claimed to love me could be so heartless. I guess I was a fool to have believed him to begin with. I always think every conversation with him will end with him wanting to put it all behind us and start over but I need to learn better. My life is not perfect but it is pretty ok right now. I have people that love me, a nice house that I feel safe in, a truck (that I despise but it’s free so I can’t complain lol), a couple good friends that I can count on no matter what, and T who lets me cry, whine, complain, and babble for hours on end and always manages to make me feel better. So while I might have broken down and cried all morning, feeling like a horrible person and that I deserved this all it took was a little pep talk from T for me to remember that I’m better than that. Hopefully I can remember that the next time D lets loose on me like that.

Yet again I have allowed my hope to override my better judgment. Facebook is a wonderful place to reconnect but it’s also a treacherous area where your past can find you. Well, mine did and I accepted it back in to my present. I received a request from D and, of course, accepted. Then came the hope of renewed communication. He agreed with a post I had made and wished me a Happy Birthday. His relationship status was changed to “it’s complicated”, which had me wondering what was going on in his life. And finally came the message ” I’m gonna get a card for the us and call you, I miss talking to you”. That was followed by nothing. No call. No message letting me know what happened. Just more questions and a little more salt in the wound. I keep thinking that I will understand his motives and be able to insulate myself from him but as soon as I hear from him it all comes back. My heart flutters and I feel that tiny seed of hope start to grow again. One of these days my heart will catch up to my head and he’ll no longer have the power to hurt me.

Facebook has also brought some joy as of late. I found a friend from high school and we have been talking. T is someone that I have always regretted losing. We had a very brief relationship and I liked him so much that just hearing his name always brought a smile to my face.  But, I was young and stupid and very concerned about what my friends thought so I allowed them to influence me. I broke things off with him based on the fact that I was getting grief from my two best friends. I spent the next couple years with an intense crush on him and feeling like a fool for not being able to stand up for myself. T was always a really great guy. He was so funny and had a truly sweet nature. He also had the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen. We’ve been chatting a little bit and, though he is very different, he still brings that smile to my face. I don’t know if it’s who he now or just the memory of that crush but I am always happy when his name pops up on yahoo or on my phone. It’s really nice to be starting a new friendship with someone that I have actually missed since graduating. It’s crazy the people that you continue to think about for years after they have left your life. I really hope we stay in contact this time.

Yet again I can’t sleep. I am stressed about my life, my job, my future, my present, I can’t seem to let go of my past. Nothing is certain. I find no comfort in anything. So here I find myself staring at a months worth of Xanax, Lexipro, and Lamictal and wondering. What if the answer is that simple? What if since everything I touch will always turn to ash I should just shut myself down completely? What if my purpose was to figure out that I have none. Is it really even a life when it’s filled with nothing but disappointment, betrayal, loneliness, and agonizing pain? Feelings that make every day seem less like waking up for. I don’t want to feel anymore. I want to go back to the way I was when all that mattered was who was paying my bar tab and how I was getting home. Why did he have to change me so much that I can’t go back? Why did he have to make me want a life that I can’t have and at the same time make me despise everything that I was before? Why can’t I erase the pain and just remember the good? And why does he get to pretend as though nothing happened just because he can shut off his emotions like a switch? I want him to feel it, every bit of it. I want him to cry every night the way he did before. I want him to feel even for one day the pain I feel and not be able to just push it down and ignore it. I want him to feel it or me to not feel it ever again.

I have been looking for the key, a magical answer to make it all go away and just let me forget. But I’ve come to realize there isn’t one. I think everything I’m going through is a part of of my healing and instead of trying to turn it off I have to allow myself to feel it. The fear, doubt, anger, sadness, guilt, worry, worthlessness, the unanswered questions that are never ending. Some days are good, some days are ok, some days are not so good, and some days are just unbearable. The feeling of “this is not the right thing” clashes with the feeling of “it has to be the right thing” because it’s the only thing. My past, present, and future are in question, and my dreams and nightmares have begun to blend together. I’m starting to wonder what is worse, the dreams that I know are no longer true or the nightmares that are. The sleepless nights spent lying in my bed alone, feeling so utterly lost, have become such a habit I no longer try to fight them. Then I look in the mirror and think how did I allow myself to end up like this? How will I ever love again, how will I ever trust again? Who will ever love me again? I listen to people tell me I’m strong, I deserve better, I will be ok, but it doesn’t stop my fears or hurt.  I believe the only way forward is day by day, baby steps into a new world. Learn to be confident and to smile again. There is no date on the calendar that I can look at to know when I will be happy again. It is an uncertain path I must walk down. When the sun shines and I feel its warmth, when I feel safe, when I feel comfortable, when my head stops swimming with the questions, then I will know I am finally on the way to being truly me again. Time is a great healer but I must fight through my wilderness of loss first. I have to face all of these emotions and then I will be ready to begin to live again. I will find myself again, it will just take time, and I’m sure there will come a day when I look in the mirror and see the girl looking back at me that has been lost for so long now. This will be one of the hardest journeys of my life but I will not let it break me. Life will ultimately lead me in the right direction but for now I need to allow myself time to just feel it all.

So for all of you waiting for me to figure it out, there it is. You have to allow yourself to take it all in, to feel everything you want to ignore, and to find a way to cope. You have to know that there will be days it doesn’t feel worth it but there will be a day when you will look back and say I am a better and stronger person after what I went through. Just keep moving forward until the day comes that you no longer want to look back.

I just talked to D and again I find myself in tears. I made the mistake of mentioning the visit once he gets settled and he very directly said “you do understand that we will never be together again”. And again my heart broke. Why am I so unworthy of forgiveness? I know the mistakes I have made and I take full responsibility for them. If only I could have met him now. If i could have had the opportunity to be the person he fell in love with instead of dragging him with me through my downward spiral. And now that I am aware and understand all that has happened all I want is a chance to get back what I lost. He told me I’m going to have to forgive myself and find a way to heal. To find a new life, meet someone, and start a family. Everyone of those words were daggers coming from him. I don’t want any of those things without him. I just want him. We were supposed to be forever. I don’t love him any less and for him to say he wishes things would have gone different but not be able to find some place in his heart to give me a chance is a torture I could never have imagined. I have made many mistakes in my life but never knew true regret until now. I would give anything to change this or even to be granted a fresh start. It was not me that did the horrible things that happened in our relationship and I wish that I could make D see that. To be told by the person you love most in the world that you can never make it right or start over is a fate worse than death. I will have to live the rest of my life knowing I destroyed the only thing that ever made me want to try. I can’t bear the thought that it took  actually losing him for me to get the help I needed and now that I have it, I almost feel as though it is all for nothing. Why does it matter if I’m stable if it just means I have to be sad, at least before I could just party and not care. I could hide any sadness behind my manic, reckless actions and just forget. Sometimes I think being emotionally stable comes at too high a cost. Is it worth the intense pain that comes with being aware of what I have done? Until I can have his forgiveness, I know I will never forgive myself. And until I have a chance to do it right I will always live my life in the shadow of regret and loss with pain as my companion. It is not fair to have someone let me into their heart when I can’t do the same. I have no heart left. I know I can never love someone while I am still in love with D.