Life Inside Panic

I thought I was past the depression but I was so very wrong. D tells me how he is stuck between two worlds and though I never tell him, I feel the same way. I’m stuck between longing for what should be and forcing myself to move forward in a life I don’t want. My world is filled with tears, regret, and loneliness. I try to pretend that I am not there but rather in a place filled with possibility and hope. I force myself to laugh so no one notices that I no longer smile and I yell so I can leave before they see the tears. I never allow anyone to look into my eyes because I am afraid that they will see past my facade and know I am hollow. I feel so broken that I will never be even close to whole again.

Everyone likes to tell me how I should meet new people but they don’t understand my hesitation comes from the fact that I have learned a great truth in life. Anyone new you come to know is just one more person you will have to lose. Life is pain. Sometimes it comes wrapped in a pretty package but ultimately everything ends up hurting us in the end. With how deeply I hurt everyday I know I can not take anymore. I have surpassed the point where you can move forward and hold on to that optimism that life will turn out as it should. Every experience in my life should have taught me that I am not destined for happiness but I rebelled against that fact. Holding on to the hope that life will work itself out and everything bad will ultimately lead to something good. I had it all wrong, everything good eventually turns to bad. Everything that brings you true happiness will, in the end, break your heart. I have finally accepted this truth and given in to what is to be my fate. The things I wanted out of life will never be. The future I thought I had found is dead and with it died every part of me that knew hope, optimism, or desire. All that is left is a cold emptiness, a blissful numbness that only subsides when the pain and longing flood in and overwhelm me.

It is so scary that the only thing that gets me up everyday is a phone call. Sometimes it’s only 5 minutes and sometimes it’s 30. Sometimes it’s as simple as the sound of the voice on the voicemail. But that is all I have left. A voice that for a few moments is able to take away the pain. I guess there really aren’t happily ever afters and true love stories don’t have happy endings. They just have endings…

I don’t even know what to do anymore. My head is spinning so fast that I can’t even make out all thoughts rushing around. The love of my life has moved to Romania and my heart is screaming at me to follow him. But I also have this voice that is rambling on about all my fears. If I do go I will be with D although not in the way I want and I will be giving up ever getting married or having kids. But I only wanted to get married and have kids with him, so who knows if I will ever want that again with anyone else anyway. I know right now I don’t want to be with anyone else at all. I would be happier spending the rest of my life next to him as a friend then settling for someone I will never love the way I love him. And what happens if he starts to date someone else; I could never bear to see that. Then there is the fact that I have to give up being close to my family, at least for now. But he is my family also so does that even count? And I have to think about the dogs. I know I could place Zoe and Athos no problem but what about Kenya and Merlin? And Hope is such a neurotic little mess. But they are just dogs and would forget about me as soon as they settled with a new family. All I do is cry all the time. Every time I see anything that even slightly reminds me of him I break down. Every time the phone rings or there is a new message in my inbox my heart starts to race and I hope it’s him. Then when it’s not I begin to cry. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat. I’ve been forcing down a turkey sandwich during lunch and it’s made me sick every time and I heat up dinner and it sits there while I fall asleep. At least the dogs have been eating well. I can’t even stomach chocolate and I had my first cup of coffee today and even that wasn’t enjoyable. It’s like all of the color and the joy in my life drained away when he left. I hate being in this big empty house and seeing all of the things he left behind but I can’t bring myself to move anything of his. I feel like if I move it then that makes it real that he’s gone. It’s just so final. I keep praying that he will call and say he is coming home but I know that is not going to happen. Even if he would just say that he still loves me then all of this pain and doubt would go away and I would know without a doubt what I need to do. I just want us to be the way we were and I don’t care where we have to be for that to happen because that is the only way anything will ever be right again. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life mourning for what should have been and regretting losing the love of my life.

I miss you so much more than I can even explain.

Reality came crashing down around me this morning as I watched him walk out the door with his coat, luggage, and my heart. I have never felt pain like this and could not have imagined the physical ache that would accompany his leaving. I knew it was going to happen but a part of me didn’t want to believe it and another part hoped he would take me with him. I have never stopped loving him, no matter what I have tried to say, and don’t think I ever will.

D you are my heart, my soul, my universe. I will love you till the day I die. Every day I will live with the pain of knowing that you are gone forever. When you hugged and kissed me goodbye, I wished something in you would wake up and you would feel the same as I do. That you would know that we shouldn’t be apart. But you didn’t and now you’re gone forever and I will never be the same.

Today is a bad day. And it is only the first of what will be one of the hardest weeks of my life. I just found out that D is leaving on Thursday to move back to Romania. I knew this was coming but I think on some level I had convinced myself it wouldn’t happen. I know I have written about how angry I get at him and how over it all I am but clearly I am not. I burst into tears every time I think about him leaving. Friday when I wake up it will be the first day of a life without him and that is a life I don’t want. As angry as he makes me I would rather fight with him than laugh with anyone else. He is my sun, moon, and stars; my whole universe. Even when we are yelling at each other he is at least there. Now I have to face the reality that he never will be again. We can’t even maintain a friendship because he will be on another continent. My already broken heart is shattering into even smaller pieces.