Life Inside Panic

Hi all. I’m sorry it has been a little while but things have been insane. I hope you all had a good holiday. I actually had a very nice Christmas. My family drew names and we were only supposed to buy for the person we drew but I was the only person who followed that rule. I halfway wonder if they might have come up with it to make me feel better about being broke but it didn’t. I feel so guilty about not being able to buy gifts for my loved ones. I drew my grandma and she seemed to ginuinely like what I gave her; so that brightened my mood a little. I spent the whole day feeling bad that D was home alone. He has no family and no true friends so there was no one for him to spend the day with. Part of me wanted to come home so he wouldn’t have to be alone but I also didn’t want to give up another day with my family for him. So I stayed and it was a nice day. I got a lot of nice gifts including a book I have been meaning to buy for a while. The Heroin Diaries: A Year in the Life of a Shattered Rock Starby Nikki Sixx. I had wanted to read it after finishing and being so impressed by The Dirt: Confessions of the World’s Most Notorious Rock Bandby Motley Crue. So far it is phenomenal and I strongly recommend it. It is a year of journal entries by him at the height of his fame, addiction, and depression with commentary from people who were there with him at the time. It’s very raw and honest. You should really check out both of these if you have any interest in biographies, Motley Crue, rock music, books on addiction, or if you’re just looking for a very good read. I couldn’t put The Dirt down and ended up reading the whole thing in one night.

Once again D has shown his true colors. We were having a decent night, a few beers, a movie, no real conversation but I tried. Then I got up to get us some snacks and a couple of beers. On the way back to the couch my foot snagged his cord for the laptop. Heaven forbid! I can’t count the number of times the dumbass dogs have done the same thing. Also for the record, I can’t count the number of times he has broken or destroyed something of mine. Just last night he broke a mirror that was a set of three that I searched long and hard to fill a spot on the wall by the front door. He wouldn’t even help me look for pieces in the hope that I could put it back together. I didn’t yell or through a fit because I knew it was an accident, I trip over his cord and it’s a major crisis. He told me what an idiot I was and various other insults, then takes the tobacco (I helped pay for) upstairs and shuts himself in his room. Every day I realize he is less of a man and more of a spoiled child. I ran to the corner and got cigarettes and when I got home he had brought the tobacco downstairs. Too little, too late. I can’t even begin to add up the damage he has done to my belongings and he wants to act like this over me tripping over a cord that did no harm? I am growing more and more tired of being the focus of his abuse because he is unhappy with his life. Grow up and get over it. Life is hard. Learn to appreciate the things you have before you lose them completely. All I know is that I once thought my love for him was unconditional but every day I find that he finds ways to disprove that.

So, here we are in December and I am planning for Christmas. It breaks my heart to know that the man I love has not had a traditional Romanian Christmas in almost two decades. I have decided that since last year we celebrated my way (for the most part since he refused to spend Christmas day with my family but we had Christmas Eve with them and did our thing Christmas night), we should honor his traditions this year. I have spent countless hours researching what recipes should be made but I can’t find any real information. I am hoping that a few Romanians will stumble across my little blog and give me some advice so I can make this Christmas wonderful for D. I have recipes for sarmale, bors cu perisoare, mamaliga balls, mamliga, and of course cozonac. These links seem to be the best recipes I can find as there is not a lot of information on Romanian tradition on the web. If anyone has any advice for other things I can do or prepare or better recipes than what I have found, I would be so grateful if you would help me out. I really want to make this a special year as it might be the last one we spend together if I stay when he moves back to Romania. Also if there are any cd’s of traditional Romanian Christmas music that would be helpful as well. He tells me it’s too much work and I shouldn’t bother (which from him translates to an American girl can’t handle it) and my Romanian is extremely limited (to say the least) or I would find a way to write and ask his mother. I’ll be sure to let you know how it all turns out. Please, please leave me comments on anything that might help me out. Thanks in advance.

Update:

12/13/20008

Christmas will not be going Romanian this year or any other. Given the events of the last couple of days I have come to realize that I can not stand to be around D any longer. He will be moving out before Christmas so I will be spending the holiday with my family, following our traditions. I guess all is as it should be. I still feel sorry for him that he will be alone on Christmas, but my mother keeps reminding me that he made his bed and now he gets to lie in it…alone. She is very excited that he will be moving out and I will be moving on.

Finally a study that gets it right, at least from my experience. I feel that any person, be them male or female, emerges from a failed relationship is damaged. At least anyone with a heart. I do agree that men are more reluctant to marry but I feel that has more to do with fear of closing off options than mental status.  We grow up as little girls believing that one day prince charming is going to show up on his white stallion and we’ll ride off into the sunset to our happily ever after. Well girls, there is no happily ever after; there is just life. Life is work, devotion, arguments, bills, and sometimes going to bed angry. Once we accept the reality of what a relationship is we can help to calm the anxiety the men in our lives feel as a result of our unfair expectations. As for men, you have to understand that marriage isn’t just a contract where you sign over your life and soul. It is a celebration of love and commitment. We don’t want to be married, we want to be your wife. We want to love, honor, and (yes I still believe this) obey you. We want you to do the same. It’s not about owning a person; it’s about two people owning each others hearts. (Just a note about The guy I am about to write about we broke up not too long ago but I still feel this relationship is not over, prime example he is asleep in the recliner right next to me. The physical aspect of our relationship has change but everything else has remained the sane) I have lived with D for a year and a half and I don’t love him any less than if he were my husband but I yearn to belong to him in every sense; legally, in the eyes of God, and I would be beyond honored to take his name. He on the other hand feels that living together in the way we do we are married in every sense other than a piece of paper.

“Reference: Partnership and mental health over time. Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health 2004:58; 53-8

Cohabiting Better For Men’s Mental Health; Marriage Better For Women’s

Jan 05 2004

Getting back into a relationship after a marriage fails is good for men’s mental health, but bad for women’s, suggest the results of national survey in the U.K. The study also found that cohabiting is better for men’s mental health, but marriage is better for women’s,.

The research is based on responses to a validated mental health questionnaire from 4,430 men and women under the age of 65, part of the annual British Household Panel Survey, which began in 1991. Men whose relationships with a first partner fell apart had much poorer mental health than men who remained with their first partner. And those who decided to live with a new partner after a marriage break-up also had better mental health than men who stayed single or who remarried.

The mental health of women who had not split up from their partners was also better than that of women who did. But women’s mental health progressively deteriorated the more break-ups they experienced and the more times they moved on to other relationships. Women who stayed single actually enjoyed much better mental health, which was not true of men.

While the mental health of both men and women was better in long term relationships. Men who chose to marry their partners fared had poorer mental health than those who chose just to live with them. Women fared better if they married.

The authors conclude that living with a partner is better for mental health, but that women have a harder time emotionally when relationships fail.”

It’s time for me to fill everyone in on D. I always had this image as a little girl of the guy I would end up with. He would be smart, funny, outgoing, strong, tall, with dark hair and eyes, mysterious, and from another place that I knew nothing about. I met D in a bar (not exactly my fantasy) and he was everything I had dreamed of; standing about 6 foot (I’m 5′3 3/4″ so that’s tall for me), black hair, dark brown eyes, olive skin. He was also extremely opinionated, intelligent, and had a brutal honesty about him. He made me feel truly safe for the first time in I don’t know how long. All I had to do was look into his eyes and I knew everything in the world was as it should be. He used to do these little things that would make my heart flutter, like running his hand down my cheek as he walked past me or dancing with me in the dining room. I loved him more every second we spent together. After about 6 months things started to change, He suddenly became very critical and would fly off the handle for no reason. His drinking had always been extreme but now it was even worse. I had to drag him off the floor and to bed most every night after he had passed out. Through all of this my love never faded. There were a couple of occasions where he drank so much he became violent but never when he was sober. When something would go wrong I would always end up begging for his forgiveness, no matter who was at fault, because I loved him so completely. I knew that the things that were happening were not him but the anger and pain that surfaced after he had too much to drink. All I wanted to do was hold him and swear that everything would be ok in the hope that he would believe me. I tried. I held on as hard as I could and he still ripped free of my embrace and continued down his path of self-destruction. Our relationship had a lot of hurdles due to cultural differences but I could have compromised if he would have done the same. He is 11 years older than me and that was always his excuse as to why he wouldn’t budge. He believes a woman’s responsibility is her home and family and I agree unless both people are providing equally for the household. If you share the traditional “man role’ (ie bringing in money) than the traditional “woman role” (ie housework) should also be shared. And if it goes to the other extreme and the woman is sole provider for whatever reason then the man should take care of the house. This is not acceptable for a Romanian man. The house is the woman’s to maintain, period. And the decisions are made by the man. So here is what I have learned if you would like to sustain a relationship with this sort of old world man….

1. His word is final. If he wants the tv hooked up a certain way, let it be.

2. Keep up your house. If it is a mess then he will not be embarrassed about the mess but rather of you.

3. Most of these men will treat you as queens but only if you act as their servant. (I know this doesn’t make much sense but it will if you find yourself in this situation.)

4. Never second guess anything he is trying to fix/build/adjust. Just like asking for directions they would rather spend 4 hours figuring it out than 10 minutes reading instructions and it’s a major blow to their manhood if you figure it out first. Offer support not direction.

5. Most of these men will give you anything you ask (within their means), as long as you ask in a way that makes them feel like a man providing for their woman.

6. Respect them as not just your man but a man. Old world men need to know that you respect their position in the family. This is probably the most important thing to remember.

I tried to change him and ended up losing him. He is still here as a roommate and I hope everyday that we spend together that it will be the day he realizes that we are not wrong for each other. I cry myself to sleep every night that I sleep alone. I pray for the day he can end my suffering and I can fall asleep to the sound of his heartbeat as opposed to the sound of my sobs.