Life Inside Panic

I have been looking for the key, a magical answer to make it all go away and just let me forget. But I’ve come to realize there isn’t one. I think everything I’m going through is a part of of my healing and instead of trying to turn it off I have to allow myself to feel it. The fear, doubt, anger, sadness, guilt, worry, worthlessness, the unanswered questions that are never ending. Some days are good, some days are ok, some days are not so good, and some days are just unbearable. The feeling of “this is not the right thing” clashes with the feeling of “it has to be the right thing” because it’s the only thing. My past, present, and future are in question, and my dreams and nightmares have begun to blend together. I’m starting to wonder what is worse, the dreams that I know are no longer true or the nightmares that are. The sleepless nights spent lying in my bed alone, feeling so utterly lost, have become such a habit I no longer try to fight them. Then I look in the mirror and think how did I allow myself to end up like this? How will I ever love again, how will I ever trust again? Who will ever love me again? I listen to people tell me I’m strong, I deserve better, I will be ok, but it doesn’t stop my fears or hurt.  I believe the only way forward is day by day, baby steps into a new world. Learn to be confident and to smile again. There is no date on the calendar that I can look at to know when I will be happy again. It is an uncertain path I must walk down. When the sun shines and I feel its warmth, when I feel safe, when I feel comfortable, when my head stops swimming with the questions, then I will know I am finally on the way to being truly me again. Time is a great healer but I must fight through my wilderness of loss first. I have to face all of these emotions and then I will be ready to begin to live again. I will find myself again, it will just take time, and I’m sure there will come a day when I look in the mirror and see the girl looking back at me that has been lost for so long now. This will be one of the hardest journeys of my life but I will not let it break me. Life will ultimately lead me in the right direction but for now I need to allow myself time to just feel it all.

So for all of you waiting for me to figure it out, there it is. You have to allow yourself to take it all in, to feel everything you want to ignore, and to find a way to cope. You have to know that there will be days it doesn’t feel worth it but there will be a day when you will look back and say I am a better and stronger person after what I went through. Just keep moving forward until the day comes that you no longer want to look back.

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How do you make the hardest decision of your life knowing that either way will lead to heartbreak. If you go down one path you will willingly break your own heart but if you go down the other what’s broken will break again because it will be you admitting there really is no hope. I try everyday to celebrate the life I have and be grateful for my blessings but I still mourn what I lost. I grieve for what never will be and wonder what is the point of replacing a fantasy come to life with a facade. If I feel broken and hollow what do I really have to offer someone and is it fair to accept from them what I’m not sure I can wholeheartedly return? The only thing I am certain of is I don’t want this. This life, this place, these things. I feel like I’m surrounded by ghosts and lies. I want to be somewhere else, do something new, be someone different. I want a life filled with love and happiness, dreams and hopes. A life of possibilities. I just have to decide what way to go to find that. I have to let go of my past and move forward and to do that I need to truly figure out what my priorities are. I need to figure out exactly which dreams I can make realities and which ones are just going to bring me more pain. I need to stop holding on to phantoms and start looking for the truth in my life.

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I just talked to D and again I find myself in tears. I made the mistake of mentioning the visit once he gets settled and he very directly said “you do understand that we will never be together again”. And again my heart broke. Why am I so unworthy of forgiveness? I know the mistakes I have made and I take full responsibility for them. If only I could have met him now. If i could have had the opportunity to be the person he fell in love with instead of dragging him with me through my downward spiral. And now that I am aware and understand all that has happened all I want is a chance to get back what I lost. He told me I’m going to have to forgive myself and find a way to heal. To find a new life, meet someone, and start a family. Everyone of those words were daggers coming from him. I don’t want any of those things without him. I just want him. We were supposed to be forever. I don’t love him any less and for him to say he wishes things would have gone different but not be able to find some place in his heart to give me a chance is a torture I could never have imagined. I have made many mistakes in my life but never knew true regret until now. I would give anything to change this or even to be granted a fresh start. It was not me that did the horrible things that happened in our relationship and I wish that I could make D see that. To be told by the person you love most in the world that you can never make it right or start over is a fate worse than death. I will have to live the rest of my life knowing I destroyed the only thing that ever made me want to try. I can’t bear the thought that it took  actually losing him for me to get the help I needed and now that I have it, I almost feel as though it is all for nothing. Why does it matter if I’m stable if it just means I have to be sad, at least before I could just party and not care. I could hide any sadness behind my manic, reckless actions and just forget. Sometimes I think being emotionally stable comes at too high a cost. Is it worth the intense pain that comes with being aware of what I have done? Until I can have his forgiveness, I know I will never forgive myself. And until I have a chance to do it right I will always live my life in the shadow of regret and loss with pain as my companion. It is not fair to have someone let me into their heart when I can’t do the same. I have no heart left. I know I can never love someone while I am still in love with D.

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I thought I was past the depression but I was so very wrong. D tells me how he is stuck between two worlds and though I never tell him, I feel the same way. I’m stuck between longing for what should be and forcing myself to move forward in a life I don’t want. My world is filled with tears, regret, and loneliness. I try to pretend that I am not there but rather in a place filled with possibility and hope. I force myself to laugh so no one notices that I no longer smile and I yell so I can leave before they see the tears. I never allow anyone to look into my eyes because I am afraid that they will see past my facade and know I am hollow. I feel so broken that I will never be even close to whole again.

Everyone likes to tell me how I should meet new people but they don’t understand my hesitation comes from the fact that I have learned a great truth in life. Anyone new you come to know is just one more person you will have to lose. Life is pain. Sometimes it comes wrapped in a pretty package but ultimately everything ends up hurting us in the end. With how deeply I hurt everyday I know I can not take anymore. I have surpassed the point where you can move forward and hold on to that optimism that life will turn out as it should. Every experience in my life should have taught me that I am not destined for happiness but I rebelled against that fact. Holding on to the hope that life will work itself out and everything bad will ultimately lead to something good. I had it all wrong, everything good eventually turns to bad. Everything that brings you true happiness will, in the end, break your heart. I have finally accepted this truth and given in to what is to be my fate. The things I wanted out of life will never be. The future I thought I had found is dead and with it died every part of me that knew hope, optimism, or desire. All that is left is a cold emptiness, a blissful numbness that only subsides when the pain and longing flood in and overwhelm me.

It is so scary that the only thing that gets me up everyday is a phone call. Sometimes it’s only 5 minutes and sometimes it’s 30. Sometimes it’s as simple as the sound of the voice on the voicemail. But that is all I have left. A voice that for a few moments is able to take away the pain. I guess there really aren’t happily ever afters and true love stories don’t have happy endings. They just have endings…

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So, I went in for my follow up and the doc upped my meds again. Now I’m on 20mg Lexapro, 100mg Lamictal, and back to Xanax 3 times a day. My anxiety has gotten so bad that I can barely leave the house and the depression is almost overwhelming. I keep telling myself to just get over it and forcing myself to go to the store or even just walk to the mailbox but nothing is helping the depression. I’m convinced there is nothing that is going to cure that because it’s the result of losing the love of my life. It’s strange because since taking these pills the only things I feel are the pain and loneliness of him being gone and the fear of being alone in this house. I try to keep busy to keep my mind off of him but every time I have a moment with my thoughts I cry. I never knew that anything could hurt like this. I’ve been trying to make the changes he asked of me in the hope that he will come home and see that everything is different now or will let me move there so I can show him that I am the person he knew I was in the beginning. The house is always as clean as he wanted it and I’ve been trying to get back in shape. I have found an auction site with a chat and talking to all these people has really been helping a lot. It’s like a little online family. I’ve exchanged #’s and emails with a few of them so we can talk outside of a public forum. One of the lady’s even sent me these things called tastykakes and they are heavenly. Now if i can just find a way to heal my broken heart I might be able to work on my anxiety. I keep waiting for the day when it will start to feel better but every day I just feel the loss more. I just can’t wrap my head around the fact that we will never be together again. I feel like everything that had any meaning in my life is gone. I don’t enjoy anything anymore because I can’t share it with him. Every time I watch a new movie or get something in the mail I want him to be there. When the dogs do something funny or I do something stupid I just want to run upstairs to his office and tell him. When something goes wrong I want him to hold me and tell me it’s gonna be ok. I try to think of the fights or the other problems we had but my mind instantly jumps back to all the good things. I miss his offbeat sense of humor, the way he would just start dancing for no reason, the way he would look like a little boy on Christmas when he was excited about anything. I miss watching him fall asleep in the chair and swear he was just resting his eyes. I miss his confidence and how he could enter and room and make everyone else seem so insignificant. I miss how safe I felt with him and how I could just look at him and my heart would melt. I miss the butterflies I got in my stomach every time I heard his voice on the phone. He once said everything would be alright as long as we were together and those words run through my head day and night. I know more everyday how true that statement was because every day spent without him nothing feels right. I dream he’s coming home and wake up swearing I hear him walking through the door and it’s like losing him over and over again. I would give up the rest of my life if I could just have my last day spent with him. I just want this pain to go away. I don’t want to spend any more days curled up on the couch crying. Someone asked me the other day if I would rather have a million dollars or true love and I told them I found true love and it hurts too much so knowing what I know now I would take the money. I almost wish I had never met him because at least then I wouldn’t know what it feels like to have lost him.

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