Life Inside Panic

So, I went in for my follow up and the doc upped my meds again. Now I’m on 20mg Lexapro, 100mg Lamictal, and back to Xanax 3 times a day. My anxiety has gotten so bad that I can barely leave the house and the depression is almost overwhelming. I keep telling myself to just get over it and forcing myself to go to the store or even just walk to the mailbox but nothing is helping the depression. I’m convinced there is nothing that is going to cure that because it’s the result of losing the love of my life. It’s strange because since taking these pills the only things I feel are the pain and loneliness of him being gone and the fear of being alone in this house. I try to keep busy to keep my mind off of him but every time I have a moment with my thoughts I cry. I never knew that anything could hurt like this. I’ve been trying to make the changes he asked of me in the hope that he will come home and see that everything is different now or will let me move there so I can show him that I am the person he knew I was in the beginning. The house is always as clean as he wanted it and I’ve been trying to get back in shape. I have found an auction site with a chat and talking to all these people has really been helping a lot. It’s like a little online family. I’ve exchanged #’s and emails with a few of them so we can talk outside of a public forum. One of the lady’s even sent me these things called tastykakes and they are heavenly. Now if i can just find a way to heal my broken heart I might be able to work on my anxiety. I keep waiting for the day when it will start to feel better but every day I just feel the loss more. I just can’t wrap my head around the fact that we will never be together again. I feel like everything that had any meaning in my life is gone. I don’t enjoy anything anymore because I can’t share it with him. Every time I watch a new movie or get something in the mail I want him to be there. When the dogs do something funny or I do something stupid I just want to run upstairs to his office and tell him. When something goes wrong I want him to hold me and tell me it’s gonna be ok. I try to think of the fights or the other problems we had but my mind instantly jumps back to all the good things. I miss his offbeat sense of humor, the way he would just start dancing for no reason, the way he would look like a little boy on Christmas when he was excited about anything. I miss watching him fall asleep in the chair and swear he was just resting his eyes. I miss his confidence and how he could enter and room and make everyone else seem so insignificant. I miss how safe I felt with him and how I could just look at him and my heart would melt. I miss the butterflies I got in my stomach every time I heard his voice on the phone. He once said everything would be alright as long as we were together and those words run through my head day and night. I know more everyday how true that statement was because every day spent without him nothing feels right. I dream he’s coming home and wake up swearing I hear him walking through the door and it’s like losing him over and over again. I would give up the rest of my life if I could just have my last day spent with him. I just want this pain to go away. I don’t want to spend any more days curled up on the couch crying. Someone asked me the other day if I would rather have a million dollars or true love and I told them I found true love and it hurts too much so knowing what I know now I would take the money. I almost wish I had never met him because at least then I wouldn’t know what it feels like to have lost him.

Hi. I am sorry I have not posted anything new lately but most days it is all I can do to brush my teeth. I went to the doctor today and they upped all of my meds and added Xanax for my anxiety being so intense. Most of the time I wonder why I am even trying; the only reason I had to get better is gone. I didn’t think it was possible for a person to cry so many tears but that’s all I do. Everything good inside of me feels dead and the sadness is so overwhelming sometimes that it scares me. The one thing in the world I cared about is gone and it has destroyed me losing him. I just want things to go back to the way they were a year ago.I would give anything to wake up just one morning and actually feel joy or gratitude for my life. But that is gone and all that is left is fear, sadness, loneliness, and this unbearable sense of hopelessness. I need something to distract me from my thoughts so I will find some information to post this week and get the site back on track. I promise.

I went to the doctor yesterday and he started me on new medications that I am not familiar with. I am on Lexapro, which is an antidepressant, Lamictal, which is a mood stabilizer, and Klonopin, which is for anxiety. I am a little leery about taking all of these medications but I would rather be totally numb than feel the way I’ve been feeling. This hopeless desperation is getting to be more than I can bear. I also have to go get blood work done and have a questionnaire that I have to fill out and take back next month. The Klonopin does not seem to do anything for the panic and it’s too soon for the others to have an effect. Maybe these will be the magic pills that finally make me feel better. Better living through chemistry. Right?

In other news, I finally got the house put back in order. I haven’t had the motivation to do anything for a while and after D left I suddenly started frantically looking for ways to make him come back or at least let me go to him. I know I am pathetic but he always complained about the house so I cleaned it top to bottom. I’m sending him pictures in the hope that he will see that I’m trying to make positive changes and that things would be better. He has said that once he gets settled I can come out there and we’ll take it from there. I want to make sure that it will not be the same dramatic, roller coaster disaster that our lives were before he left. I still miss him so much but having a goal to work towards and knowing that I will get to see him again makes me able to stand it a little more. I have always felt that things happen for a reason and maybe this had to happen so that I could worry about fixing myself instead of focusing on fixing my relationship. And I will do whatever needs to be done to get myself back together during this time.

I don’t even know what to do anymore. My head is spinning so fast that I can’t even make out all thoughts rushing around. The love of my life has moved to Romania and my heart is screaming at me to follow him. But I also have this voice that is rambling on about all my fears. If I do go I will be with D although not in the way I want and I will be giving up ever getting married or having kids. But I only wanted to get married and have kids with him, so who knows if I will ever want that again with anyone else anyway. I know right now I don’t want to be with anyone else at all. I would be happier spending the rest of my life next to him as a friend then settling for someone I will never love the way I love him. And what happens if he starts to date someone else; I could never bear to see that. Then there is the fact that I have to give up being close to my family, at least for now. But he is my family also so does that even count? And I have to think about the dogs. I know I could place Zoe and Athos no problem but what about Kenya and Merlin? And Hope is such a neurotic little mess. But they are just dogs and would forget about me as soon as they settled with a new family. All I do is cry all the time. Every time I see anything that even slightly reminds me of him I break down. Every time the phone rings or there is a new message in my inbox my heart starts to race and I hope it’s him. Then when it’s not I begin to cry. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat. I’ve been forcing down a turkey sandwich during lunch and it’s made me sick every time and I heat up dinner and it sits there while I fall asleep. At least the dogs have been eating well. I can’t even stomach chocolate and I had my first cup of coffee today and even that wasn’t enjoyable. It’s like all of the color and the joy in my life drained away when he left. I hate being in this big empty house and seeing all of the things he left behind but I can’t bring myself to move anything of his. I feel like if I move it then that makes it real that he’s gone. It’s just so final. I keep praying that he will call and say he is coming home but I know that is not going to happen. Even if he would just say that he still loves me then all of this pain and doubt would go away and I would know without a doubt what I need to do. I just want us to be the way we were and I don’t care where we have to be for that to happen because that is the only way anything will ever be right again. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life mourning for what should have been and regretting losing the love of my life.

I have posted a few articles on tips for controlling stress lately and I hope they have been helpful. I wanted to post something about what I do to help with my stress levels. I have found a few things that seem to be working very well for me.

Meditation

I find that attempting to meditate to handle stress can be frustrating to me because I can’t always focus, so this only really works if I can incorporate it into a scheduled time every day. I focus on positive thoughts for about 15 minutes in the morning and the evening in an effort to train myself to think this way and while it makes a difference in my overall mood, it doesn’t seem to help when things happen unexpectedly.

Exercise

I unfortunately do not enjoy working out so I do little things to get myself moving. I have found that if I take my dogs for a long walk instead of a quick one I feel better. I’m not a morning person so this generally happens in the evening but it helps me unwind and go to sleep. The only downfall is that my Jack Russell, Athos, comes home wound up and ready to play. He seems to react to the walk as a sort of activity appetizer. Haha. Also things like turning on the radio and dancing around while I clean make a difference. I might look like an idiot but at least I am doing something to make the chores I hate more fun and it really motivtes me to actually get moving instead of lying around getting more depressed.

Gardening

My biggest stress relievers have come from a couple very unexpected places. I received a Chia Terra Cotta Gourmet Herb Gardenfor Christmas and it has been the best thing for my stress, so much so that I bought another one and an AeroGarden Garden Kitwith flowers. There is something very calming and fulfilling about seeing these plants thriving due to my constant attention. I water, feed, trim, and monitor them religiously and it feels like my stress levels shrink every time they grow a little. I am thinking about getting some houseplants and possibly even a bonsai tree since this seems to be very therapeutic for me. I understand now why so many people garden. I have a tiny backyard that is mostly concreted and have 5 dogs so a big vegetable garden isn’t very practical but if you have the space I would recommend giving it a try. If not, try one of these inside gardens; you might be shocked at the sense of accomplishment you will have and the effect that will have on your depression and anxiety.

Animals

Another thing I take great joy in is my pets. As I said I have five dogs; Kenya (Black Lab), Merlin (Tibetan Lhasa Apso), Athos (Jack Russell/Maltese Mix), Hope (Maltese), and Zoe (Chihuahua). Last night D bought me a baby Angora Teddy Bear Hamster and I think her name is going to be Dulce Valentin (this translates to Sweet Valentine). Animals are a great stress releiver. There is nothing better than a dog that loves you unconditionally running up to you, tail wagging, just thrilled to see you after a bad day; or a good one for that matter. They have a sense of when you are sick or upset and their entire purpose in life is to make you happy. I can be so stressed I am in tears and when one of my pups crawls into my lap and cuddles up to me I instantly feel my heart lift a little. There are days that the only thing that can make me smile is watching them run and play.

Writing

This is a good outlet for anyone. Write it down, get it out of your head, and come back later and read it. I have always written. To me seeing things in black and white puts them in a completely different perspective. The good doesn’t feel real and the bad seems so much worse until I pour it all out on paper and read it. For me there is just something about the flow of words on a page, as opposed to the swirling chaos in my head, that makes me feel connected to the experiences I am writing about.

What I am trying to say is that we all react to different things in life. The articles I post are suggestions, mostly to show that there are things you can do to take control of your life. Not everything will work for everybody. Try different things and find what will work for you. It’s all about finding the joy in your life and using that to combat the negative feelings before you become overwhelmed by them. It’s your life and you can take control.