Life Inside Panic

Hi all. I’m sorry it has been a little while but things have been insane. I hope you all had a good holiday. I actually had a very nice Christmas. My family drew names and we were only supposed to buy for the person we drew but I was the only person who followed that rule. I halfway wonder if they might have come up with it to make me feel better about being broke but it didn’t. I feel so guilty about not being able to buy gifts for my loved ones. I drew my grandma and she seemed to ginuinely like what I gave her; so that brightened my mood a little. I spent the whole day feeling bad that D was home alone. He has no family and no true friends so there was no one for him to spend the day with. Part of me wanted to come home so he wouldn’t have to be alone but I also didn’t want to give up another day with my family for him. So I stayed and it was a nice day. I got a lot of nice gifts including a book I have been meaning to buy for a while. The Heroin Diaries: A Year in the Life of a Shattered Rock Starby Nikki Sixx. I had wanted to read it after finishing and being so impressed by The Dirt: Confessions of the World’s Most Notorious Rock Bandby Motley Crue. So far it is phenomenal and I strongly recommend it. It is a year of journal entries by him at the height of his fame, addiction, and depression with commentary from people who were there with him at the time. It’s very raw and honest. You should really check out both of these if you have any interest in biographies, Motley Crue, rock music, books on addiction, or if you’re just looking for a very good read. I couldn’t put The Dirt down and ended up reading the whole thing in one night.

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Ok. I guess I should probably tell you a little about myself. My name is Christy and I’m 29. I come from a very large family (6 sisters and 3 brothers). I have wonderful parents who have always given me everything I needed or wanted. I guess you could say I am spoiled but I know how hard they have worked to provide me and my siblings with the lives we have and I appreciate every single thing they do for me. I have been blessed with an extraordinarily loving and supportive family, from my parents and siblings to my grandparents and aunts and uncles.

We moved around a lot when I was growing up but I always made friends quickly and really loved my childhood. School came easy for me but I didn’t have the patience for classes so I spent most of high school at the mall, river, or partying with my friends. I only graduated due to an accelerated program that essentially allowed me to gain credits by testing out of the classes. I started my senior year with 6 credits and graduated with 21 and a half. That was 1/2 credit more than I needed. I have had anxiety and depression issues since I was a teenager. I can remember in high school feeling very empty and alone even though I was surrounded by tons of friends. I found that by getting high or drinking I didn’t feel that emptiness as much and I spent most of my teenage years in a haze. But, I must say that I had a lot of fun.

I moved out of my parents house at 18 and ended up getting pregnant shortly after. The pregnancy was ectopic and the experience sent me into my first downward spiral. I was so sad that I didn’t want to see or talk to anyone. Most days I wouldn’t even get up to shower or brush my teeth. My friends called and called but I refused to answer. My mother finally got me to go back to the doctor who immediately started me on Celexa 40mg and I felt blissfully numb. I had no emotional response to anything. After about 6 months I stopped the medication and managed to maintain for a long time with no major episodes.

Fast forward about ten years. I was doing pretty good. I had a great job, great friends, cute condo, cute convertible, and very little stress. I had sworn off relationships due to a couple very bad experiences. I ended up in a car accident that led me to a bar where I met D. He talked to me all night and I ended up hanging out at his place after the bar where we talked till dawn and he woke me up with coffee and brunch. We have been together every day since. Our relationship moved very quickly; we went from complete strangers to living together almost immediately. I fell in love with him in a matter of weeks and knew he was the one I wanted to spend my life with. Our relationship was passionate (AKA tumultuous). We loved each other immensely but we fought hard and often. More often than not we were vicious and unfair in the things we said when we got heated. I begged him time and again to stop drinking so much and he asked me just as often to get help for my mood swings.

Almost a year and half, and quite a lot of drama, later he tells me we don’t fit and we shouldn’t be together (although we are still living together but I will get into that with another post).  Overnight I had gone from planning on marrying and having children with the love of my life to all of that being gone. I was devastated; all I could do was cry. I went back on Celexa (although only 20mg) and started taking Atavan to help with my increasing panic attacks. In the midst of this I was going through some pretty serious medical problems and my family suffered a major crisis. I ended up missing work or having to leave early because there was just too much happening and I couldn’t keep it together. It all came to a head when I had had a complete breakdown at work and was sent home by my supervisor, who told me to get in to see someone or she was taking me to the crisis center when she got off work. I saw a therapist that day and was put on medical leave from my job. My work ended up denying the leave and terminating me. Now I am taking my meds, going to therapy, and trying to fill a lot of free time.

So, that basically brings us up to date. I tried finding more information about what was happening to me online and was pretty disappointed with what I was able to find so I decided to put something together myself. The site was progressing nicely until I decided to change it around and all of my content was lost, so we are back at square one. I really hope that this site evolves into a support group where people find a sort of haven to talk and find answers to whatever questions they may have. I will try to update this site and add information frequently. Please comment on anything I post from my blogs to the articles and such. And definitely check out the forum.

Hope to talk to you soon.

Christy

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