Life Inside Panic

I have been looking for the key, a magical answer to make it all go away and just let me forget. But I’ve come to realize there isn’t one. I think everything I’m going through is a part of of my healing and instead of trying to turn it off I have to allow myself to feel it. The fear, doubt, anger, sadness, guilt, worry, worthlessness, the unanswered questions that are never ending. Some days are good, some days are ok, some days are not so good, and some days are just unbearable. The feeling of “this is not the right thing” clashes with the feeling of “it has to be the right thing” because it’s the only thing. My past, present, and future are in question, and my dreams and nightmares have begun to blend together. I’m starting to wonder what is worse, the dreams that I know are no longer true or the nightmares that are. The sleepless nights spent lying in my bed alone, feeling so utterly lost, have become such a habit I no longer try to fight them. Then I look in the mirror and think how did I allow myself to end up like this? How will I ever love again, how will I ever trust again? Who will ever love me again? I listen to people tell me I’m strong, I deserve better, I will be ok, but it doesn’t stop my fears or hurt.  I believe the only way forward is day by day, baby steps into a new world. Learn to be confident and to smile again. There is no date on the calendar that I can look at to know when I will be happy again. It is an uncertain path I must walk down. When the sun shines and I feel its warmth, when I feel safe, when I feel comfortable, when my head stops swimming with the questions, then I will know I am finally on the way to being truly me again. Time is a great healer but I must fight through my wilderness of loss first. I have to face all of these emotions and then I will be ready to begin to live again. I will find myself again, it will just take time, and I’m sure there will come a day when I look in the mirror and see the girl looking back at me that has been lost for so long now. This will be one of the hardest journeys of my life but I will not let it break me. Life will ultimately lead me in the right direction but for now I need to allow myself time to just feel it all.

So for all of you waiting for me to figure it out, there it is. You have to allow yourself to take it all in, to feel everything you want to ignore, and to find a way to cope. You have to know that there will be days it doesn’t feel worth it but there will be a day when you will look back and say I am a better and stronger person after what I went through. Just keep moving forward until the day comes that you no longer want to look back.

Popularity: 1% [?]

I had written an article about a book that deals with positive thoughts as way of treating depression and anxiety. This study seems to confirm how strongly I felt about that book. Check out my post on  The Feeling Good Handbook.
Again, never change your course of treatment or discontinue medication without consulting your doctor. If you feel that your provider is not open to listening to other options you discover, seek a second opinion but do not stop meds on your own.

“Study Finds Non-drug Meditation Treatment Beats Depression

Tuesday, December 02, 2008 by: Sherry Baker, Health Sciences Editor

(NaturalNews) Clinical depression is far more than feeling blue. According to the National Institutes of Health, more than 20 million people in the U.S. have persistant depression that can interfere with everyday life, impact health and even lead to suicide. Now, for the first time, a study has shown that treatment based on meditation is an effective alternative to prescription drugs, even for people suffering from serious, long-term depression.

The research, just published in the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, found that the group-based psychological treatment called Mindfulness Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT) was as good or better as treatment with anti-depressants like Prozac in preventing a relapse of serious depression — and the non-drug therapy was more effective in enhancing quality of life. What’s more, the study concluded MBCT is cost-effective in helping people with a history of depression stay well for the long term.

The research team, which included British investigators from the Mood Disorders Center at the University of Exeter and the Center for Economics of Mental Health (CEMH) at the Institute of Psychiatry at King’s College in London, looked at 123 people who had suffered repeated episodes of clinical depression. In a randomized control trial , the research subjects were assigned to one of two groups. Half continued their on-going drug treatment with anti-depressants and the rest participated in an MBCT course and were also given the option of stopping their anti-depressant medications.

MBCT focuses on targeting negative thinking and helps people who are at risk for recurring depression to stop their depressed moods from spiraling out of control into a full episode of depression. During the eight-week trial, groups of between eight and fifteen people attended meetings with a therapist who taught them a range of meditation exercises that they could continue to practice on their own once the course ended. The MBCT exercises were primarily based on Buddhist meditation techniques and helped the study participants learn to focus on the present, rather than dwelling on the past or worrying about future tasks.

Although the meditation exercises worked in a different way for each person, many reported more control over their negative thoughts and depressed feelings. Over the 15 months after the trial ended , about 47% of the group following the MBCT course experienced a relapse — but those who continued normal treatment with anti-depressant drugs experienced a much higher, 60 percent relapse rate. In addition, the group practicing the mindfulness meditation techniques learned in the MBCT program reported a far better quality of life, more overall enjoyment and better physical well-being.

In a statement to the media, Professor Willem Kuyken of the University of Exeter , who headed the research, explained that people treated with anti-depressants are highly vulnerable to relapse when they stop their prescription drug therapy. “MBCT takes a different approach – it teaches people skills for life. What we have shown is that when people work at it, these skills for life help keep people well. Our results suggest MBCT may be a viable alternative for some of the 3.5 million people in the UK known to be suffering from this debilitating condition. People who suffer depression have long asked for psychological approaches to help them recover in the long-term and MBCT is a very promising approach. I think we have the basis for offering patients and GPs an alternative to long-term anti-depressant medication. We are planning to conduct a larger trial to put these results to the test and to examine how MBCT works,” Kuvken said.”

Popularity: 47% [?]

So, here we are in December and I am planning for Christmas. It breaks my heart to know that the man I love has not had a traditional Romanian Christmas in almost two decades. I have decided that since last year we celebrated my way (for the most part since he refused to spend Christmas day with my family but we had Christmas Eve with them and did our thing Christmas night), we should honor his traditions this year. I have spent countless hours researching what recipes should be made but I can’t find any real information. I am hoping that a few Romanians will stumble across my little blog and give me some advice so I can make this Christmas wonderful for D. I have recipes for sarmale, bors cu perisoare, mamaliga balls, mamliga, and of course cozonac. These links seem to be the best recipes I can find as there is not a lot of information on Romanian tradition on the web. If anyone has any advice for other things I can do or prepare or better recipes than what I have found, I would be so grateful if you would help me out. I really want to make this a special year as it might be the last one we spend together if I stay when he moves back to Romania. Also if there are any cd’s of traditional Romanian Christmas music that would be helpful as well. He tells me it’s too much work and I shouldn’t bother (which from him translates to an American girl can’t handle it) and my Romanian is extremely limited (to say the least) or I would find a way to write and ask his mother. I’ll be sure to let you know how it all turns out. Please, please leave me comments on anything that might help me out. Thanks in advance.

Update:

12/13/20008

Christmas will not be going Romanian this year or any other. Given the events of the last couple of days I have come to realize that I can not stand to be around D any longer. He will be moving out before Christmas so I will be spending the holiday with my family, following our traditions. I guess all is as it should be. I still feel sorry for him that he will be alone on Christmas, but my mother keeps reminding me that he made his bed and now he gets to lie in it…alone. She is very excited that he will be moving out and I will be moving on.

Popularity: 50% [?]

So, I have to re-post about this book. I had originally written about it a couple weeks ago but in the process of redoing the site I lost all of my posts.

The Feeling Good Handbookwas recommended to me by my therapist after my depression became very severe. The book forces you to reexamine your thought process through a series of explanations and exercises. I, personally, didn’t put a lot of stock in self-help books before this but now I am changing my mind. I have found it very helpful in starting to understand and control my negative thoughts. I highly recommend this to anyone having trouble with anxiety or depression. Give it a look and see what you think then comment to let others know if it was helpful for you as well.

Popularity: 34% [?]