Today is a hard day. I woke up with this overwhelming sense of sadness and I just can’t get out of it. I hate days like this; days when I fight tears for no reason. I guess the truth of the matter is there is always a reason or reasons. The things that I do everything not to think of. Those dark little secrets that eat away at me from the inside. There’s so much I want to scream to the world, so many things I want to tell so many people. Days like this I wonder how can I do anything but give up. Fear is what keeps me going during times like this. Fear of the unknown, fear of the aftermath of failure. I always think of a million things that would make me happy if I could just make them reality. If I could lose weight, have more money, love my job enough to want to go everyday or not have to work at all, if I could find the one and start a family, but I know the truth. The truth is that these are all excuses. Just scapegoats for me to lay the blame of my mistakes on. I did not end up here by chance; this is the result of years of decisions. Turning left when I should have gone right, looking back when I should have moved forward, and not seeing what was right in front of me. I’ve tried to force so many things because I thought it was what should be that I wonder if anything I’ve ever felt was real or just what I’ve convinced myself it should be. Perhaps if I had focused on what was good for me and made me happy, instead of what would impress others, then my life would be where I want it to be now. I know I need to stop with all the what ifs and mourning over lost time because that is just costing me more. I need to look at me and find a way to love myself without putting so much value on what others think. I need to do what’s right for me so that I can find peace with myself and then maybe I’ll find the happiness I’ve been desperately clawing for.
