Life Inside Panic

Yet again I put my trust and faith in someone that clearly was not worth it. I allowed myself to overlook the obvious signs that I could not count on this person and force myself to see the good that I wanted to be there. I based everything on the fact that this person was someone I could count on. I’m just glad I took and emotional step back and waited to see how they would prove them-self to me in other ways after our initial set back. For the first time resisting my urge to just forgive and turn a blind eye to the hurt someone had caused me  in order to follow my heart has saved me a tremendous amount of pain. Maybe I am learning to wait and see people for what they are instead of just seeing the things about them I like. If you can’t count on someone in small ways you certainly can’t count on them for the things that matter. I am so grateful that I took a step back this time and waited because it gave me the chance to see that this person was not at all who I thought they were. It hurts a lot less to find out before you are fully invested. The sting is still there but the devastation is not. I guess disappointment and a small amount of sadness is much better than a broken heart. So, maybe I am learning after all.

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I have been looking for the key, a magical answer to make it all go away and just let me forget. But I’ve come to realize there isn’t one. I think everything I’m going through is a part of of my healing and instead of trying to turn it off I have to allow myself to feel it. The fear, doubt, anger, sadness, guilt, worry, worthlessness, the unanswered questions that are never ending. Some days are good, some days are ok, some days are not so good, and some days are just unbearable. The feeling of “this is not the right thing” clashes with the feeling of “it has to be the right thing” because it’s the only thing. My past, present, and future are in question, and my dreams and nightmares have begun to blend together. I’m starting to wonder what is worse, the dreams that I know are no longer true or the nightmares that are. The sleepless nights spent lying in my bed alone, feeling so utterly lost, have become such a habit I no longer try to fight them. Then I look in the mirror and think how did I allow myself to end up like this? How will I ever love again, how will I ever trust again? Who will ever love me again? I listen to people tell me I’m strong, I deserve better, I will be ok, but it doesn’t stop my fears or hurt.  I believe the only way forward is day by day, baby steps into a new world. Learn to be confident and to smile again. There is no date on the calendar that I can look at to know when I will be happy again. It is an uncertain path I must walk down. When the sun shines and I feel its warmth, when I feel safe, when I feel comfortable, when my head stops swimming with the questions, then I will know I am finally on the way to being truly me again. Time is a great healer but I must fight through my wilderness of loss first. I have to face all of these emotions and then I will be ready to begin to live again. I will find myself again, it will just take time, and I’m sure there will come a day when I look in the mirror and see the girl looking back at me that has been lost for so long now. This will be one of the hardest journeys of my life but I will not let it break me. Life will ultimately lead me in the right direction but for now I need to allow myself time to just feel it all.

So for all of you waiting for me to figure it out, there it is. You have to allow yourself to take it all in, to feel everything you want to ignore, and to find a way to cope. You have to know that there will be days it doesn’t feel worth it but there will be a day when you will look back and say I am a better and stronger person after what I went through. Just keep moving forward until the day comes that you no longer want to look back.

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I went to the doctor yesterday and he started me on new medications that I am not familiar with. I am on Lexapro, which is an antidepressant, Lamictal, which is a mood stabilizer, and Klonopin, which is for anxiety. I am a little leery about taking all of these medications but I would rather be totally numb than feel the way I’ve been feeling. This hopeless desperation is getting to be more than I can bear. I also have to go get blood work done and have a questionnaire that I have to fill out and take back next month. The Klonopin does not seem to do anything for the panic and it’s too soon for the others to have an effect. Maybe these will be the magic pills that finally make me feel better. Better living through chemistry. Right?

In other news, I finally got the house put back in order. I haven’t had the motivation to do anything for a while and after D left I suddenly started frantically looking for ways to make him come back or at least let me go to him. I know I am pathetic but he always complained about the house so I cleaned it top to bottom. I’m sending him pictures in the hope that he will see that I’m trying to make positive changes and that things would be better. He has said that once he gets settled I can come out there and we’ll take it from there. I want to make sure that it will not be the same dramatic, roller coaster disaster that our lives were before he left. I still miss him so much but having a goal to work towards and knowing that I will get to see him again makes me able to stand it a little more. I have always felt that things happen for a reason and maybe this had to happen so that I could worry about fixing myself instead of focusing on fixing my relationship. And I will do whatever needs to be done to get myself back together during this time.

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It’s time for me to fill everyone in on D. I always had this image as a little girl of the guy I would end up with. He would be smart, funny, outgoing, strong, tall, with dark hair and eyes, mysterious, and from another place that I knew nothing about. I met D in a bar (not exactly my fantasy) and he was everything I had dreamed of; standing about 6 foot (I’m 5′3 3/4″ so that’s tall for me), black hair, dark brown eyes, olive skin. He was also extremely opinionated, intelligent, and had a brutal honesty about him. He made me feel truly safe for the first time in I don’t know how long. All I had to do was look into his eyes and I knew everything in the world was as it should be. He used to do these little things that would make my heart flutter, like running his hand down my cheek as he walked past me or dancing with me in the dining room. I loved him more every second we spent together. After about 6 months things started to change, He suddenly became very critical and would fly off the handle for no reason. His drinking had always been extreme but now it was even worse. I had to drag him off the floor and to bed most every night after he had passed out. Through all of this my love never faded. There were a couple of occasions where he drank so much he became violent but never when he was sober. When something would go wrong I would always end up begging for his forgiveness, no matter who was at fault, because I loved him so completely. I knew that the things that were happening were not him but the anger and pain that surfaced after he had too much to drink. All I wanted to do was hold him and swear that everything would be ok in the hope that he would believe me. I tried. I held on as hard as I could and he still ripped free of my embrace and continued down his path of self-destruction. Our relationship had a lot of hurdles due to cultural differences but I could have compromised if he would have done the same. He is 11 years older than me and that was always his excuse as to why he wouldn’t budge. He believes a woman’s responsibility is her home and family and I agree unless both people are providing equally for the household. If you share the traditional “man role’ (ie bringing in money) than the traditional “woman role” (ie housework) should also be shared. And if it goes to the other extreme and the woman is sole provider for whatever reason then the man should take care of the house. This is not acceptable for a Romanian man. The house is the woman’s to maintain, period. And the decisions are made by the man. So here is what I have learned if you would like to sustain a relationship with this sort of old world man….

1. His word is final. If he wants the tv hooked up a certain way, let it be.

2. Keep up your house. If it is a mess then he will not be embarrassed about the mess but rather of you.

3. Most of these men will treat you as queens but only if you act as their servant. (I know this doesn’t make much sense but it will if you find yourself in this situation.)

4. Never second guess anything he is trying to fix/build/adjust. Just like asking for directions they would rather spend 4 hours figuring it out than 10 minutes reading instructions and it’s a major blow to their manhood if you figure it out first. Offer support not direction.

5. Most of these men will give you anything you ask (within their means), as long as you ask in a way that makes them feel like a man providing for their woman.

6. Respect them as not just your man but a man. Old world men need to know that you respect their position in the family. This is probably the most important thing to remember.

I tried to change him and ended up losing him. He is still here as a roommate and I hope everyday that we spend together that it will be the day he realizes that we are not wrong for each other. I cry myself to sleep every night that I sleep alone. I pray for the day he can end my suffering and I can fall asleep to the sound of his heartbeat as opposed to the sound of my sobs.

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