Life Inside Panic

So I drank last night. That’s never a good idea when I have this much on my mind. A couple of pina coladas and a bottle of wine into the night I decided that I needed to profess my feeling for T. This, as you can probably imagine, was not a good idea. Mostly because he was ignoring me last night. I’m pretty sure it’s because the last time I drank I did this and then took it back with a “nevermind… I’m sorry… I should think before I speak…” which was followed by him telling me to take other’s feelings into consideration next time. I apologized, promised not to do it again and all was well. Until last night.

I had gone to the surgeon and found out that I should be fine and that if the lump under my arm goes away I won’t need surgery. Yay! Realized I had made it all day without having a single wind knocked out of me, pain in my heart, thinking of D moment. I’m really surprised that I’m not taking it hard this time; maybe it’s because part of me knew he couldn’t change. No matter how much I love him, I would never love the life I would have had with him. Drinking and being cruel, blaming his failures on everyone else, and making empty promises. When I agreed to go it seemed like that was all behind him but after he started heavily drinking again, it all came back. I love him but not this thing he becomes when whiskey comes into the picture. I also was thinking that T might be feeling that same maybes between us as I’ve been feeling. So all in all, it was a good night.

Then the wine and the texts and the facebook posts. Today I feel so foolish but I read it all and thankfully I didn’t say anything too bad. I talked around what I actually wanted to say; it’s obvious I was fishing for T to ask me to talk. He always asks but last night didn’t. Maybe it’s for the best because if I need a bottle of wine to convince me to tell him then I’m clearly not ready.

Woke up ridiculously early for a Saturday; it’s just wrong when your work sleep schedule bleeds into the weekend. I checked yahoo but D isn’t logged on (a fact that I find very annoying) and so I started a movie instead. If I’m not sleeping I might as well be doing something equally as unproductive and besides it’s a long weekend so I have plenty of time to get things done.

In case you’re wondering who D is, let me fill you in. D is the man I’m going to be spending my life with. Beyond that it’s a little complicated. We met at a bar following me being in a pretty bad car accident. It’s always a good start when you say “We met at a bar”, right? Well for us it ended up being good enough. After talking for a while, a group of us decided to go to his house after Sam’s (the bar) closed but I was the only one that went and it changed my life. That was Friday by Monday I was living there and until he moved home we never spent a day apart. Over the years that followed  things were pretty crazy and got really bad for a while. We broke up but continued living together; a situation I would not recommend but I couldn’t ask him to leave and he didn’t want to so it was what it was. He ended up moving home to Romania and we stayed in contact. I know, I know. Staying friends with an ex is not a good idea. But, I just couldn’t imagine a life without him in it in some way. So, we fought and I cried and we laughed and, most importantly, we talked. We talked a lot and about everything. D and I had never developed a friendship (I guess that happens when you move in with a virtual stranger) so it was hard to try and be friends. Habits from the relationship seeped in and it stayed complicated but we worked through so much of what had happened before. It seems that complicated works for us because now after a couple years planning a life together then a couple years broken up, we are planning that life again. The plan this time begins with me moving to Romania where as before I would have been moving as his wife. Enough about D for now; you’ll be reading plenty about him as we go along.

Back to my Saturday that started way to early. I’m watching From Paris With Love right now and I had forgotten how cool Travolta really was. Truthfully, I should say it’s on in the background and, clearly, it’s not that amazing of a movie or I would be watching it instead of blogging. But, that does not detract from the coolness of the star. If you’re bored you should check it out. If nothing else it’ll make you long for The Expendables, a whole movie of stars you’ve forgotten are cool.