Life Inside Panic

Today is a bad day. And it is only the first of what will be one of the hardest weeks of my life. I just found out that D is leaving on Thursday to move back to Romania. I knew this was coming but I think on some level I had convinced myself it wouldn’t happen. I know I have written about how angry I get at him and how over it all I am but clearly I am not. I burst into tears every time I think about him leaving. Friday when I wake up it will be the first day of a life without him and that is a life I don’t want. As angry as he makes me I would rather fight with him than laugh with anyone else. He is my sun, moon, and stars; my whole universe. Even when we are yelling at each other he is at least there. Now I have to face the reality that he never will be again. We can’t even maintain a friendship because he will be on another continent. My already broken heart is shattering into even smaller pieces.

Once again D has shown his true colors. We were having a decent night, a few beers, a movie, no real conversation but I tried. Then I got up to get us some snacks and a couple of beers. On the way back to the couch my foot snagged his cord for the laptop. Heaven forbid! I can’t count the number of times the dumbass dogs have done the same thing. Also for the record, I can’t count the number of times he has broken or destroyed something of mine. Just last night he broke a mirror that was a set of three that I searched long and hard to fill a spot on the wall by the front door. He wouldn’t even help me look for pieces in the hope that I could put it back together. I didn’t yell or through a fit because I knew it was an accident, I trip over his cord and it’s a major crisis. He told me what an idiot I was and various other insults, then takes the tobacco (I helped pay for) upstairs and shuts himself in his room. Every day I realize he is less of a man and more of a spoiled child. I ran to the corner and got cigarettes and when I got home he had brought the tobacco downstairs. Too little, too late. I can’t even begin to add up the damage he has done to my belongings and he wants to act like this over me tripping over a cord that did no harm? I am growing more and more tired of being the focus of his abuse because he is unhappy with his life. Grow up and get over it. Life is hard. Learn to appreciate the things you have before you lose them completely. All I know is that I once thought my love for him was unconditional but every day I find that he finds ways to disprove that.

So, this is gradually turning into a sob session of a blog. I have been checking for new information but everyone is so concerned with the economy of the US as well as the rest of the world that nobody is really focused on other issues. I will continue to check and update on you on any info as soon as some turns up.

As for my state today. I am feeling a little better than I was in my last post. I don’t have tears streaming down my face this time so that is a drastic improvement. I went to the psychiatrist only to find that it was an initial intake appointment and my actual evaluation is scheduled for February. Nice how concerned they are, right? I managed to convince my PCP to call something in for me to hold me over and she gave me a Rx for Xanax. It definitely helps with my panic attacks because I don’t tend to have them while I’m comatose but I can’t remember my dreams any more so who knows how I’m actually sleeping. I know that I’m out for 10-12 hours at a time and it takes me roughly an hour to be alert once I wake.

I have been reading a lot on various other blogs today about heartbreak and I guess I’m not totally alone in the way I feel. I even read a post from a lady discussing how the lack of the weight of her engagement ring on her hand was a constant physical reminder of the emptiness in her life. I know how she feels. I miss my ring; I still wear it when I’m home alone or sometimes when I’m sleeping. I have even left the house with it in my pocket and slipped it on once I was in the car, so D wouldn’t see, on more than a couple of occasions. I love the ring, I think it is the most elegant one I have ever seen. D’s name and our anniversary date are inscribed on the inside and I sometimes take it out and look at that inscription and think of all the dreams it represented. Even though it is a beautiful piece of jewelry, that is not why I love it so. I love that it was given to me as a token of his love and a promise of our future. I still can’t look at it and just see a ring. Maybe in time…