Life Inside Panic

So, I went in for my follow up and the doc upped my meds again. Now I’m on 20mg Lexapro, 100mg Lamictal, and back to Xanax 3 times a day. My anxiety has gotten so bad that I can barely leave the house and the depression is almost overwhelming. I keep telling myself to just get over it and forcing myself to go to the store or even just walk to the mailbox but nothing is helping the depression. I’m convinced there is nothing that is going to cure that because it’s the result of losing the love of my life. It’s strange because since taking these pills the only things I feel are the pain and loneliness of him being gone and the fear of being alone in this house. I try to keep busy to keep my mind off of him but every time I have a moment with my thoughts I cry. I never knew that anything could hurt like this. I’ve been trying to make the changes he asked of me in the hope that he will come home and see that everything is different now or will let me move there so I can show him that I am the person he knew I was in the beginning. The house is always as clean as he wanted it and I’ve been trying to get back in shape. I have found an auction site with a chat and talking to all these people has really been helping a lot. It’s like a little online family. I’ve exchanged #’s and emails with a few of them so we can talk outside of a public forum. One of the lady’s even sent me these things called tastykakes and they are heavenly. Now if i can just find a way to heal my broken heart I might be able to work on my anxiety. I keep waiting for the day when it will start to feel better but every day I just feel the loss more. I just can’t wrap my head around the fact that we will never be together again. I feel like everything that had any meaning in my life is gone. I don’t enjoy anything anymore because I can’t share it with him. Every time I watch a new movie or get something in the mail I want him to be there. When the dogs do something funny or I do something stupid I just want to run upstairs to his office and tell him. When something goes wrong I want him to hold me and tell me it’s gonna be ok. I try to think of the fights or the other problems we had but my mind instantly jumps back to all the good things. I miss his offbeat sense of humor, the way he would just start dancing for no reason, the way he would look like a little boy on Christmas when he was excited about anything. I miss watching him fall asleep in the chair and swear he was just resting his eyes. I miss his confidence and how he could enter and room and make everyone else seem so insignificant. I miss how safe I felt with him and how I could just look at him and my heart would melt. I miss the butterflies I got in my stomach every time I heard his voice on the phone. He once said everything would be alright as long as we were together and those words run through my head day and night. I know more everyday how true that statement was because every day spent without him nothing feels right. I dream he’s coming home and wake up swearing I hear him walking through the door and it’s like losing him over and over again. I would give up the rest of my life if I could just have my last day spent with him. I just want this pain to go away. I don’t want to spend any more days curled up on the couch crying. Someone asked me the other day if I would rather have a million dollars or true love and I told them I found true love and it hurts too much so knowing what I know now I would take the money. I almost wish I had never met him because at least then I wouldn’t know what it feels like to have lost him.

Popularity: 100% [?]

I went to the doctor yesterday and he started me on new medications that I am not familiar with. I am on Lexapro, which is an antidepressant, Lamictal, which is a mood stabilizer, and Klonopin, which is for anxiety. I am a little leery about taking all of these medications but I would rather be totally numb than feel the way I’ve been feeling. This hopeless desperation is getting to be more than I can bear. I also have to go get blood work done and have a questionnaire that I have to fill out and take back next month. The Klonopin does not seem to do anything for the panic and it’s too soon for the others to have an effect. Maybe these will be the magic pills that finally make me feel better. Better living through chemistry. Right?

In other news, I finally got the house put back in order. I haven’t had the motivation to do anything for a while and after D left I suddenly started frantically looking for ways to make him come back or at least let me go to him. I know I am pathetic but he always complained about the house so I cleaned it top to bottom. I’m sending him pictures in the hope that he will see that I’m trying to make positive changes and that things would be better. He has said that once he gets settled I can come out there and we’ll take it from there. I want to make sure that it will not be the same dramatic, roller coaster disaster that our lives were before he left. I still miss him so much but having a goal to work towards and knowing that I will get to see him again makes me able to stand it a little more. I have always felt that things happen for a reason and maybe this had to happen so that I could worry about fixing myself instead of focusing on fixing my relationship. And I will do whatever needs to be done to get myself back together during this time.

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I had written an article about a book that deals with positive thoughts as way of treating depression and anxiety. This study seems to confirm how strongly I felt about that book. Check out my post on  The Feeling Good Handbook.
Again, never change your course of treatment or discontinue medication without consulting your doctor. If you feel that your provider is not open to listening to other options you discover, seek a second opinion but do not stop meds on your own.

“Study Finds Non-drug Meditation Treatment Beats Depression

Tuesday, December 02, 2008 by: Sherry Baker, Health Sciences Editor

(NaturalNews) Clinical depression is far more than feeling blue. According to the National Institutes of Health, more than 20 million people in the U.S. have persistant depression that can interfere with everyday life, impact health and even lead to suicide. Now, for the first time, a study has shown that treatment based on meditation is an effective alternative to prescription drugs, even for people suffering from serious, long-term depression.

The research, just published in the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, found that the group-based psychological treatment called Mindfulness Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT) was as good or better as treatment with anti-depressants like Prozac in preventing a relapse of serious depression — and the non-drug therapy was more effective in enhancing quality of life. What’s more, the study concluded MBCT is cost-effective in helping people with a history of depression stay well for the long term.

The research team, which included British investigators from the Mood Disorders Center at the University of Exeter and the Center for Economics of Mental Health (CEMH) at the Institute of Psychiatry at King’s College in London, looked at 123 people who had suffered repeated episodes of clinical depression. In a randomized control trial , the research subjects were assigned to one of two groups. Half continued their on-going drug treatment with anti-depressants and the rest participated in an MBCT course and were also given the option of stopping their anti-depressant medications.

MBCT focuses on targeting negative thinking and helps people who are at risk for recurring depression to stop their depressed moods from spiraling out of control into a full episode of depression. During the eight-week trial, groups of between eight and fifteen people attended meetings with a therapist who taught them a range of meditation exercises that they could continue to practice on their own once the course ended. The MBCT exercises were primarily based on Buddhist meditation techniques and helped the study participants learn to focus on the present, rather than dwelling on the past or worrying about future tasks.

Although the meditation exercises worked in a different way for each person, many reported more control over their negative thoughts and depressed feelings. Over the 15 months after the trial ended , about 47% of the group following the MBCT course experienced a relapse — but those who continued normal treatment with anti-depressant drugs experienced a much higher, 60 percent relapse rate. In addition, the group practicing the mindfulness meditation techniques learned in the MBCT program reported a far better quality of life, more overall enjoyment and better physical well-being.

In a statement to the media, Professor Willem Kuyken of the University of Exeter , who headed the research, explained that people treated with anti-depressants are highly vulnerable to relapse when they stop their prescription drug therapy. “MBCT takes a different approach – it teaches people skills for life. What we have shown is that when people work at it, these skills for life help keep people well. Our results suggest MBCT may be a viable alternative for some of the 3.5 million people in the UK known to be suffering from this debilitating condition. People who suffer depression have long asked for psychological approaches to help them recover in the long-term and MBCT is a very promising approach. I think we have the basis for offering patients and GPs an alternative to long-term anti-depressant medication. We are planning to conduct a larger trial to put these results to the test and to examine how MBCT works,” Kuvken said.”

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