Life Inside Panic

I have been looking for the key, a magical answer to make it all go away and just let me forget. But I’ve come to realize there isn’t one. I think everything I’m going through is a part of of my healing and instead of trying to turn it off I have to allow myself to feel it. The fear, doubt, anger, sadness, guilt, worry, worthlessness, the unanswered questions that are never ending. Some days are good, some days are ok, some days are not so good, and some days are just unbearable. The feeling of “this is not the right thing” clashes with the feeling of “it has to be the right thing” because it’s the only thing. My past, present, and future are in question, and my dreams and nightmares have begun to blend together. I’m starting to wonder what is worse, the dreams that I know are no longer true or the nightmares that are. The sleepless nights spent lying in my bed alone, feeling so utterly lost, have become such a habit I no longer try to fight them. Then I look in the mirror and think how did I allow myself to end up like this? How will I ever love again, how will I ever trust again? Who will ever love me again? I listen to people tell me I’m strong, I deserve better, I will be ok, but it doesn’t stop my fears or hurt.  I believe the only way forward is day by day, baby steps into a new world. Learn to be confident and to smile again. There is no date on the calendar that I can look at to know when I will be happy again. It is an uncertain path I must walk down. When the sun shines and I feel its warmth, when I feel safe, when I feel comfortable, when my head stops swimming with the questions, then I will know I am finally on the way to being truly me again. Time is a great healer but I must fight through my wilderness of loss first. I have to face all of these emotions and then I will be ready to begin to live again. I will find myself again, it will just take time, and I’m sure there will come a day when I look in the mirror and see the girl looking back at me that has been lost for so long now. This will be one of the hardest journeys of my life but I will not let it break me. Life will ultimately lead me in the right direction but for now I need to allow myself time to just feel it all.

So for all of you waiting for me to figure it out, there it is. You have to allow yourself to take it all in, to feel everything you want to ignore, and to find a way to cope. You have to know that there will be days it doesn’t feel worth it but there will be a day when you will look back and say I am a better and stronger person after what I went through. Just keep moving forward until the day comes that you no longer want to look back.

I don’t even know what to do anymore. My head is spinning so fast that I can’t even make out all thoughts rushing around. The love of my life has moved to Romania and my heart is screaming at me to follow him. But I also have this voice that is rambling on about all my fears. If I do go I will be with D although not in the way I want and I will be giving up ever getting married or having kids. But I only wanted to get married and have kids with him, so who knows if I will ever want that again with anyone else anyway. I know right now I don’t want to be with anyone else at all. I would be happier spending the rest of my life next to him as a friend then settling for someone I will never love the way I love him. And what happens if he starts to date someone else; I could never bear to see that. Then there is the fact that I have to give up being close to my family, at least for now. But he is my family also so does that even count? And I have to think about the dogs. I know I could place Zoe and Athos no problem but what about Kenya and Merlin? And Hope is such a neurotic little mess. But they are just dogs and would forget about me as soon as they settled with a new family. All I do is cry all the time. Every time I see anything that even slightly reminds me of him I break down. Every time the phone rings or there is a new message in my inbox my heart starts to race and I hope it’s him. Then when it’s not I begin to cry. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat. I’ve been forcing down a turkey sandwich during lunch and it’s made me sick every time and I heat up dinner and it sits there while I fall asleep. At least the dogs have been eating well. I can’t even stomach chocolate and I had my first cup of coffee today and even that wasn’t enjoyable. It’s like all of the color and the joy in my life drained away when he left. I hate being in this big empty house and seeing all of the things he left behind but I can’t bring myself to move anything of his. I feel like if I move it then that makes it real that he’s gone. It’s just so final. I keep praying that he will call and say he is coming home but I know that is not going to happen. Even if he would just say that he still loves me then all of this pain and doubt would go away and I would know without a doubt what I need to do. I just want us to be the way we were and I don’t care where we have to be for that to happen because that is the only way anything will ever be right again. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life mourning for what should have been and regretting losing the love of my life.

Finally a study that gets it right, at least from my experience. I feel that any person, be them male or female, emerges from a failed relationship is damaged. At least anyone with a heart. I do agree that men are more reluctant to marry but I feel that has more to do with fear of closing off options than mental status.  We grow up as little girls believing that one day prince charming is going to show up on his white stallion and we’ll ride off into the sunset to our happily ever after. Well girls, there is no happily ever after; there is just life. Life is work, devotion, arguments, bills, and sometimes going to bed angry. Once we accept the reality of what a relationship is we can help to calm the anxiety the men in our lives feel as a result of our unfair expectations. As for men, you have to understand that marriage isn’t just a contract where you sign over your life and soul. It is a celebration of love and commitment. We don’t want to be married, we want to be your wife. We want to love, honor, and (yes I still believe this) obey you. We want you to do the same. It’s not about owning a person; it’s about two people owning each others hearts. (Just a note about The guy I am about to write about we broke up not too long ago but I still feel this relationship is not over, prime example he is asleep in the recliner right next to me. The physical aspect of our relationship has change but everything else has remained the sane) I have lived with D for a year and a half and I don’t love him any less than if he were my husband but I yearn to belong to him in every sense; legally, in the eyes of God, and I would be beyond honored to take his name. He on the other hand feels that living together in the way we do we are married in every sense other than a piece of paper.

“Reference: Partnership and mental health over time. Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health 2004:58; 53-8

Cohabiting Better For Men’s Mental Health; Marriage Better For Women’s

Jan 05 2004

Getting back into a relationship after a marriage fails is good for men’s mental health, but bad for women’s, suggest the results of national survey in the U.K. The study also found that cohabiting is better for men’s mental health, but marriage is better for women’s,.

The research is based on responses to a validated mental health questionnaire from 4,430 men and women under the age of 65, part of the annual British Household Panel Survey, which began in 1991. Men whose relationships with a first partner fell apart had much poorer mental health than men who remained with their first partner. And those who decided to live with a new partner after a marriage break-up also had better mental health than men who stayed single or who remarried.

The mental health of women who had not split up from their partners was also better than that of women who did. But women’s mental health progressively deteriorated the more break-ups they experienced and the more times they moved on to other relationships. Women who stayed single actually enjoyed much better mental health, which was not true of men.

While the mental health of both men and women was better in long term relationships. Men who chose to marry their partners fared had poorer mental health than those who chose just to live with them. Women fared better if they married.

The authors conclude that living with a partner is better for mental health, but that women have a harder time emotionally when relationships fail.”

It’s time for me to fill everyone in on D. I always had this image as a little girl of the guy I would end up with. He would be smart, funny, outgoing, strong, tall, with dark hair and eyes, mysterious, and from another place that I knew nothing about. I met D in a bar (not exactly my fantasy) and he was everything I had dreamed of; standing about 6 foot (I’m 5′3 3/4″ so that’s tall for me), black hair, dark brown eyes, olive skin. He was also extremely opinionated, intelligent, and had a brutal honesty about him. He made me feel truly safe for the first time in I don’t know how long. All I had to do was look into his eyes and I knew everything in the world was as it should be. He used to do these little things that would make my heart flutter, like running his hand down my cheek as he walked past me or dancing with me in the dining room. I loved him more every second we spent together. After about 6 months things started to change, He suddenly became very critical and would fly off the handle for no reason. His drinking had always been extreme but now it was even worse. I had to drag him off the floor and to bed most every night after he had passed out. Through all of this my love never faded. There were a couple of occasions where he drank so much he became violent but never when he was sober. When something would go wrong I would always end up begging for his forgiveness, no matter who was at fault, because I loved him so completely. I knew that the things that were happening were not him but the anger and pain that surfaced after he had too much to drink. All I wanted to do was hold him and swear that everything would be ok in the hope that he would believe me. I tried. I held on as hard as I could and he still ripped free of my embrace and continued down his path of self-destruction. Our relationship had a lot of hurdles due to cultural differences but I could have compromised if he would have done the same. He is 11 years older than me and that was always his excuse as to why he wouldn’t budge. He believes a woman’s responsibility is her home and family and I agree unless both people are providing equally for the household. If you share the traditional “man role’ (ie bringing in money) than the traditional “woman role” (ie housework) should also be shared. And if it goes to the other extreme and the woman is sole provider for whatever reason then the man should take care of the house. This is not acceptable for a Romanian man. The house is the woman’s to maintain, period. And the decisions are made by the man. So here is what I have learned if you would like to sustain a relationship with this sort of old world man….

1. His word is final. If he wants the tv hooked up a certain way, let it be.

2. Keep up your house. If it is a mess then he will not be embarrassed about the mess but rather of you.

3. Most of these men will treat you as queens but only if you act as their servant. (I know this doesn’t make much sense but it will if you find yourself in this situation.)

4. Never second guess anything he is trying to fix/build/adjust. Just like asking for directions they would rather spend 4 hours figuring it out than 10 minutes reading instructions and it’s a major blow to their manhood if you figure it out first. Offer support not direction.

5. Most of these men will give you anything you ask (within their means), as long as you ask in a way that makes them feel like a man providing for their woman.

6. Respect them as not just your man but a man. Old world men need to know that you respect their position in the family. This is probably the most important thing to remember.

I tried to change him and ended up losing him. He is still here as a roommate and I hope everyday that we spend together that it will be the day he realizes that we are not wrong for each other. I cry myself to sleep every night that I sleep alone. I pray for the day he can end my suffering and I can fall asleep to the sound of his heartbeat as opposed to the sound of my sobs.