Life Inside Panic

It amazes me how sometimes a person will come in to your life and change everything. I believe all of my experiences have molded me in to the person I am and pushed me forward towards my destiny. The hard part is when I’m not sure if I should be moving forward or have already found it. How do we know when to fight for someone or just to keep going? Is it when the butterflies never go away? When the tears continue to flow? When the dreams never stop? I’ve always thought that if you just follow your heart ultimately everything will work out but I have learned that just because my heart desires it doesn’t mean it will be. It doesn’t matter how much I love someone or how badly I want them in my life if they don’t feel the same. How long can I wait for what I know can never be. I try so hard to make my heart follow my head. I try to be logical and ignore my emotions. I truly wish that this would pass, it has been so long. I have heard that once you find true love that person always holds a piece of your heart but in my case I believe that the person I loved took it all. I have nothing left to give anyone else and, for now, no desire to try. The strange part is as much as I used to fear being alone now I choose it because I feel I deserve better than having to settle. I have found a comfort in accepting this as my fate. I still dream of a life that will never be but always wake to reality. I still cry my tears and feel the pain of my broken heart but I refuse to crumble. I have moved so far past the anger and resentment that I have almost forgotten it was ever there. I can’t blame someone for how they feel any more than I can change how I do. For now, I will live my life as it is and try to find small moments of happiness in every day. I’ll have fun goofing with my sister or playing with my dogs. I’ll enjoy escaping in to a book or a movie. I’ll continue to journal so that I can see how over time my perspective changes. I don’t feel any different than I did a year ago, and I don’t know if I ever will, but I have learned to accept the situation for what it is. I cherish every second we had, both good and bad. But, I no longer spend my days trying to find that one thing I can say or do to bring him back to me or trying to figure out the exact moment where it all changed and things started to fall apart. I still cry, I still hurt, I still regret, but I no longer blame or live in denial. Life happens and that can’t be stopped; all I can do is hope that somewhere along the line I find someone I can just be still with. Even if that person is me.

I just talked to D and again I find myself in tears. I made the mistake of mentioning the visit once he gets settled and he very directly said “you do understand that we will never be together again”. And again my heart broke. Why am I so unworthy of forgiveness? I know the mistakes I have made and I take full responsibility for them. If only I could have met him now. If i could have had the opportunity to be the person he fell in love with instead of dragging him with me through my downward spiral. And now that I am aware and understand all that has happened all I want is a chance to get back what I lost. He told me I’m going to have to forgive myself and find a way to heal. To find a new life, meet someone, and start a family. Everyone of those words were daggers coming from him. I don’t want any of those things without him. I just want him. We were supposed to be forever. I don’t love him any less and for him to say he wishes things would have gone different but not be able to find some place in his heart to give me a chance is a torture I could never have imagined. I have made many mistakes in my life but never knew true regret until now. I would give anything to change this or even to be granted a fresh start. It was not me that did the horrible things that happened in our relationship and I wish that I could make D see that. To be told by the person you love most in the world that you can never make it right or start over is a fate worse than death. I will have to live the rest of my life knowing I destroyed the only thing that ever made me want to try. I can’t bear the thought that it took  actually losing him for me to get the help I needed and now that I have it, I almost feel as though it is all for nothing. Why does it matter if I’m stable if it just means I have to be sad, at least before I could just party and not care. I could hide any sadness behind my manic, reckless actions and just forget. Sometimes I think being emotionally stable comes at too high a cost. Is it worth the intense pain that comes with being aware of what I have done? Until I can have his forgiveness, I know I will never forgive myself. And until I have a chance to do it right I will always live my life in the shadow of regret and loss with pain as my companion. It is not fair to have someone let me into their heart when I can’t do the same. I have no heart left. I know I can never love someone while I am still in love with D.

Here’s wishing you all a safe, healthy, and happy New Year. I have come up with a few resolutions that I am going to share with you. I have always heard that writing them down makes them an actual goal as opposed to just meaningless words. Please feel free, actually encouraged, to post yours as comments. I would love to hear what all of you are trying to do this coming year.

My Resolutions…

1. Learn to take life one minute at a time since one day at a time doesn’t seem to work for me.

2. Actually stick to a diet. I am trying Weight Watchers in combination with Alli. You can track my progress on my Alli Experience blog.

3. Either find a healthy relationship or stay single, no more trying to save someone else when I can’t even save myself. If I am going to be in a relationship it needs to be loving, supportive, and compassionate.

4. Quit smoking and self medicating with alcohol and sleeping pills. Depression is not cured by sleep it only fuels the problem because then you get sad and stressed because you are not accomplishing anything. And smoking does calm me but it also makes me stress about my health and appearance.

5. Take pride in my home, myself, and my accomplishments.

Wish me luck and I wish the same for you in 2009.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!

I have been looking for any new info to give to you guys but there really just not anything worth posting. Everything seems to be the same recycled info we’ve all read a hundred times. I did find this article and it explores a concept that seems both obvious and sad at the same time. Of course depression is going to have a profound effect on a marriage. It’s hard to be around someone who is depressed, especially if you can’t understand why they are always so sad. I know that when I’m really down, I can’t even stand myself. I sleep to avoid having to deal with my constant crying or over dramatic overreactions. I don’t even want to think about what the people around me are thinking. That being said, what ever happened to “in sickness and health”; Key word there being sickness? I was under the impression that a marriage is a partnership and not one you bail on when things get rough. Would you want someone to leave you if you developed diabetes? That disease also requires major lifestyle changes and, often, daily medication. People need to take their promises a little more seriously. In my grandmothers time one didn’t think about divorce unless things were so bad that there was no other option. Try counseling, talk to a friend going through something similar, talk to your preacher, look up info on the web, but most importantly talk to each other. Relationships are work; there’s no such thing as a perfect life with no complications.

“Depression Can Have Major Impact On Marriage
By Bill Mitcham / Mooresville Tribune
Published: December 12, 2008

Nothing plays havoc with a marriage relationship like the depression of one spouse. It can be a gradual impact or it can be a sudden broadside of a marriage that was fun and fulfilling for both partners.

There are two kinds of depression. One is situational depression and the other is clinical depression.

Situational depression can surface over any loss or tragedy. It can be the loss of a job, the inability to get pregnant, the death of a parent or even the death of a pet. Chronic marriage problems that never seem to get better, like reoccurring conflict over the same issues, can lead to situational depression.

You can tell the difference between situational depression and clinical depression when you can detect the source or cause of the depression.

People can get clinically depressed when things are going well in their lives and thus there is no “reason” for the depression. Situational depression responds to exercise, rest, new experiences and conflict resolution, if it is a marital problem. However, many people do not know that situational depression, caused by chronic marital problems, can turn into clinical depression, a much more serious depression.

It is the same pattern I have seen in working with families who have a child with a disorder like autism or Down Syndrome. The depression starts out situational due to perpetual stress and hardship, as parents try to care for a child with special needs. After a while, the situational depression begins to affect the parent’s body chemistry. This is the major difference between clinical and situational depression. Another term used to describe clinical depression is “chemical depression,” since scientists have discovered an imbalance or malfunction in the brain of clinically depressed persons.

Our brains have a complex network of neurons (nerve cells) that send and receive messages. Each neuron sends chemical and electrical signals, allowing communication within and between neurons. The chemical messages are called neurotransmitters. When they function properly, they regulate all the brain activity, including our moods. When they dysfunction, our moods can depress or accelerate. We call the depressed moods major depression and accelerated moods manic episodes. A combination of both is called a bipolar disorder.

Individuals who get depressed (1 out of every 10 adults) have no control over this chemical malfunction. It is the same medical issue with a person who has diabetes. The body malfunctions. It has always puzzled me that society has a stigma for a depressed person but not for the person whose body does not regulate sugar properly.

The effect of depression on marriage can have devastating consequences. Untreated depression can cause a person to lose interest in life. Things they used to enjoy and take delight in are no longer desirable, including sexual intimacy. The other spouse tries desperately to help his/her depressed mate by encouraging them and suggesting that they snap out of it, think more positively, but all the suggestions are received as criticism and this makes the depression worse. Untreated depression can undermine a marriage and lead to divorce. Depression, on the other hand, is the most successfully treated mood disorder there is. Many marriages can be saved, if the depression is properly treated.”