Life Inside Panic

Yet again I have allowed my hope to override my better judgment. Facebook is a wonderful place to reconnect but it’s also a treacherous area where your past can find you. Well, mine did and I accepted it back in to my present. I received a request from D and, of course, accepted. Then came the hope of renewed communication. He agreed with a post I had made and wished me a Happy Birthday. His relationship status was changed to “it’s complicated”, which had me wondering what was going on in his life. And finally came the message ” I’m gonna get a card for the us and call you, I miss talking to you”. That was followed by nothing. No call. No message letting me know what happened. Just more questions and a little more salt in the wound. I keep thinking that I will understand his motives and be able to insulate myself from him but as soon as I hear from him it all comes back. My heart flutters and I feel that tiny seed of hope start to grow again. One of these days my heart will catch up to my head and he’ll no longer have the power to hurt me.

Facebook has also brought some joy as of late. I found a friend from high school and we have been talking. T is someone that I have always regretted losing. We had a very brief relationship and I liked him so much that just hearing his name always brought a smile to my face.  But, I was young and stupid and very concerned about what my friends thought so I allowed them to influence me. I broke things off with him based on the fact that I was getting grief from my two best friends. I spent the next couple years with an intense crush on him and feeling like a fool for not being able to stand up for myself. T was always a really great guy. He was so funny and had a truly sweet nature. He also had the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen. We’ve been chatting a little bit and, though he is very different, he still brings that smile to my face. I don’t know if it’s who he now or just the memory of that crush but I am always happy when his name pops up on yahoo or on my phone. It’s really nice to be starting a new friendship with someone that I have actually missed since graduating. It’s crazy the people that you continue to think about for years after they have left your life. I really hope we stay in contact this time.

So, it’s been a while. I haven’t been posting because I could practically copy and paste the same post for every day. I’m in counseling twice a week and my medication hasn’t changed but neither has my state of mind. I just have this hollowness that I can’t explain to anyone in a way that they understand. The only time I don’t feel it is when I’m filled with fear. It’s almost like part of my soul, my very essence is gone. I’m trying to find something that will help fill the void but as of yet all I’ve come across have been temporary distractions. I have been taking cake decorating classes every Thursday to help me get out and around people and while I’m getting good at the decorating, my social anxieties aren’t lessening at all. That pretty much leads to every day being the same. The only times I leave my house are for dr appointments or if I have to go shopping. The counseling is new, so maybe that will be the key to me finally finding some sort of closure or healing and will allow me to start living a happy and productive life again.

I have been looking for the key, a magical answer to make it all go away and just let me forget. But I’ve come to realize there isn’t one. I think everything I’m going through is a part of of my healing and instead of trying to turn it off I have to allow myself to feel it. The fear, doubt, anger, sadness, guilt, worry, worthlessness, the unanswered questions that are never ending. Some days are good, some days are ok, some days are not so good, and some days are just unbearable. The feeling of “this is not the right thing” clashes with the feeling of “it has to be the right thing” because it’s the only thing. My past, present, and future are in question, and my dreams and nightmares have begun to blend together. I’m starting to wonder what is worse, the dreams that I know are no longer true or the nightmares that are. The sleepless nights spent lying in my bed alone, feeling so utterly lost, have become such a habit I no longer try to fight them. Then I look in the mirror and think how did I allow myself to end up like this? How will I ever love again, how will I ever trust again? Who will ever love me again? I listen to people tell me I’m strong, I deserve better, I will be ok, but it doesn’t stop my fears or hurt.  I believe the only way forward is day by day, baby steps into a new world. Learn to be confident and to smile again. There is no date on the calendar that I can look at to know when I will be happy again. It is an uncertain path I must walk down. When the sun shines and I feel its warmth, when I feel safe, when I feel comfortable, when my head stops swimming with the questions, then I will know I am finally on the way to being truly me again. Time is a great healer but I must fight through my wilderness of loss first. I have to face all of these emotions and then I will be ready to begin to live again. I will find myself again, it will just take time, and I’m sure there will come a day when I look in the mirror and see the girl looking back at me that has been lost for so long now. This will be one of the hardest journeys of my life but I will not let it break me. Life will ultimately lead me in the right direction but for now I need to allow myself time to just feel it all.

So for all of you waiting for me to figure it out, there it is. You have to allow yourself to take it all in, to feel everything you want to ignore, and to find a way to cope. You have to know that there will be days it doesn’t feel worth it but there will be a day when you will look back and say I am a better and stronger person after what I went through. Just keep moving forward until the day comes that you no longer want to look back.

Today is a bad day. And it is only the first of what will be one of the hardest weeks of my life. I just found out that D is leaving on Thursday to move back to Romania. I knew this was coming but I think on some level I had convinced myself it wouldn’t happen. I know I have written about how angry I get at him and how over it all I am but clearly I am not. I burst into tears every time I think about him leaving. Friday when I wake up it will be the first day of a life without him and that is a life I don’t want. As angry as he makes me I would rather fight with him than laugh with anyone else. He is my sun, moon, and stars; my whole universe. Even when we are yelling at each other he is at least there. Now I have to face the reality that he never will be again. We can’t even maintain a friendship because he will be on another continent. My already broken heart is shattering into even smaller pieces.

I have been looking for any new info to give to you guys but there really just not anything worth posting. Everything seems to be the same recycled info we’ve all read a hundred times. I did find this article and it explores a concept that seems both obvious and sad at the same time. Of course depression is going to have a profound effect on a marriage. It’s hard to be around someone who is depressed, especially if you can’t understand why they are always so sad. I know that when I’m really down, I can’t even stand myself. I sleep to avoid having to deal with my constant crying or over dramatic overreactions. I don’t even want to think about what the people around me are thinking. That being said, what ever happened to “in sickness and health”; Key word there being sickness? I was under the impression that a marriage is a partnership and not one you bail on when things get rough. Would you want someone to leave you if you developed diabetes? That disease also requires major lifestyle changes and, often, daily medication. People need to take their promises a little more seriously. In my grandmothers time one didn’t think about divorce unless things were so bad that there was no other option. Try counseling, talk to a friend going through something similar, talk to your preacher, look up info on the web, but most importantly talk to each other. Relationships are work; there’s no such thing as a perfect life with no complications.

“Depression Can Have Major Impact On Marriage
By Bill Mitcham / Mooresville Tribune
Published: December 12, 2008

Nothing plays havoc with a marriage relationship like the depression of one spouse. It can be a gradual impact or it can be a sudden broadside of a marriage that was fun and fulfilling for both partners.

There are two kinds of depression. One is situational depression and the other is clinical depression.

Situational depression can surface over any loss or tragedy. It can be the loss of a job, the inability to get pregnant, the death of a parent or even the death of a pet. Chronic marriage problems that never seem to get better, like reoccurring conflict over the same issues, can lead to situational depression.

You can tell the difference between situational depression and clinical depression when you can detect the source or cause of the depression.

People can get clinically depressed when things are going well in their lives and thus there is no “reason” for the depression. Situational depression responds to exercise, rest, new experiences and conflict resolution, if it is a marital problem. However, many people do not know that situational depression, caused by chronic marital problems, can turn into clinical depression, a much more serious depression.

It is the same pattern I have seen in working with families who have a child with a disorder like autism or Down Syndrome. The depression starts out situational due to perpetual stress and hardship, as parents try to care for a child with special needs. After a while, the situational depression begins to affect the parent’s body chemistry. This is the major difference between clinical and situational depression. Another term used to describe clinical depression is “chemical depression,” since scientists have discovered an imbalance or malfunction in the brain of clinically depressed persons.

Our brains have a complex network of neurons (nerve cells) that send and receive messages. Each neuron sends chemical and electrical signals, allowing communication within and between neurons. The chemical messages are called neurotransmitters. When they function properly, they regulate all the brain activity, including our moods. When they dysfunction, our moods can depress or accelerate. We call the depressed moods major depression and accelerated moods manic episodes. A combination of both is called a bipolar disorder.

Individuals who get depressed (1 out of every 10 adults) have no control over this chemical malfunction. It is the same medical issue with a person who has diabetes. The body malfunctions. It has always puzzled me that society has a stigma for a depressed person but not for the person whose body does not regulate sugar properly.

The effect of depression on marriage can have devastating consequences. Untreated depression can cause a person to lose interest in life. Things they used to enjoy and take delight in are no longer desirable, including sexual intimacy. The other spouse tries desperately to help his/her depressed mate by encouraging them and suggesting that they snap out of it, think more positively, but all the suggestions are received as criticism and this makes the depression worse. Untreated depression can undermine a marriage and lead to divorce. Depression, on the other hand, is the most successfully treated mood disorder there is. Many marriages can be saved, if the depression is properly treated.”