Life Inside Panic

So, it’s been a while. I haven’t been posting because I could practically copy and paste the same post for every day. I’m in counseling twice a week and my medication hasn’t changed but neither has my state of mind. I just have this hollowness that I can’t explain to anyone in a way that they understand. The only time I don’t feel it is when I’m filled with fear. It’s almost like part of my soul, my very essence is gone. I’m trying to find something that will help fill the void but as of yet all I’ve come across have been temporary distractions. I have been taking cake decorating classes every Thursday to help me get out and around people and while I’m getting good at the decorating, my social anxieties aren’t lessening at all. That pretty much leads to every day being the same. The only times I leave my house are for dr appointments or if I have to go shopping. The counseling is new, so maybe that will be the key to me finally finding some sort of closure or healing and will allow me to start living a happy and productive life again.

Yet again I put my trust and faith in someone that clearly was not worth it. I allowed myself to overlook the obvious signs that I could not count on this person and force myself to see the good that I wanted to be there. I based everything on the fact that this person was someone I could count on. I’m just glad I took and emotional step back and waited to see how they would prove them-self to me in other ways after our initial set back. For the first time resisting my urge to just forgive and turn a blind eye to the hurt someone had caused me  in order to follow my heart has saved me a tremendous amount of pain. Maybe I am learning to wait and see people for what they are instead of just seeing the things about them I like. If you can’t count on someone in small ways you certainly can’t count on them for the things that matter. I am so grateful that I took a step back this time and waited because it gave me the chance to see that this person was not at all who I thought they were. It hurts a lot less to find out before you are fully invested. The sting is still there but the devastation is not. I guess disappointment and a small amount of sadness is much better than a broken heart. So, maybe I am learning after all.

Yet again I can’t sleep. I am stressed about my life, my job, my future, my present, I can’t seem to let go of my past. Nothing is certain. I find no comfort in anything. So here I find myself staring at a months worth of Xanax, Lexipro, and Lamictal and wondering. What if the answer is that simple? What if since everything I touch will always turn to ash I should just shut myself down completely? What if my purpose was to figure out that I have none. Is it really even a life when it’s filled with nothing but disappointment, betrayal, loneliness, and agonizing pain? Feelings that make every day seem less like waking up for. I don’t want to feel anymore. I want to go back to the way I was when all that mattered was who was paying my bar tab and how I was getting home. Why did he have to change me so much that I can’t go back? Why did he have to make me want a life that I can’t have and at the same time make me despise everything that I was before? Why can’t I erase the pain and just remember the good? And why does he get to pretend as though nothing happened just because he can shut off his emotions like a switch? I want him to feel it, every bit of it. I want him to cry every night the way he did before. I want him to feel even for one day the pain I feel and not be able to just push it down and ignore it. I want him to feel it or me to not feel it ever again.

Every day I feel my sadness and loneliness growing. I do what I am supposed to; take my medication, go to my therapy, pretend to feel human but on the inside I am screaming out in pain. For the last couple of weeks I have not been able to contain my tears. I don’t understand what I have done to deserve this kind of life. I know that I have made mistakes but I have always thought I was a basically good person. I keep waiting to wake up one morning and have had some great epiphany on how to be happy but it never happens. I swear every night that tomorrow will be different, I will get up and do the things I need to do. But every day it’s the same. I drag myself out of bed, get a cup of coffee, and try to hide the emptiness I feel and make it through the day without breaking down in tears or yelling for no understandable reason. I know my greatest source of sadness comes from my failed relationship with D but I should be feeling some sense of closure by now. I long to feel his arms around me, to hear his heartbeat as I fall asleep, to see that smile and know it is for me. I miss him so intensely that some days I can actually feel the pieces of my heart shattering into even smaller fragments. I wonder if there is even enough of it left to ever feel joy again. My life is a pointless disaster. I have managed to become a 29 year old bitter, lonely, broke, unemployed, burden on every one I have ever loved. I thought my depression was chemical but I have been on my medication for over two months and though I no longer feel suicidal, I still have this hopelessness that is so intense I feel physical pain from it. I have an appointment with a new psychiatrist tomorrow and maybe he will be able to help me. I just want one morning where I am actually happy that I woke up instead of feeling dread to have to face another day.