Life Inside Panic

Yet again I can’t sleep. I am stressed about my life, my job, my future, my present, I can’t seem to let go of my past. Nothing is certain. I find no comfort in anything. So here I find myself staring at a months worth of Xanax, Lexipro, and Lamictal and wondering. What if the answer is that simple? What if since everything I touch will always turn to ash I should just shut myself down completely? What if my purpose was to figure out that I have none. Is it really even a life when it’s filled with nothing but disappointment, betrayal, loneliness, and agonizing pain? Feelings that make every day seem less like waking up for. I don’t want to feel anymore. I want to go back to the way I was when all that mattered was who was paying my bar tab and how I was getting home. Why did he have to change me so much that I can’t go back? Why did he have to make me want a life that I can’t have and at the same time make me despise everything that I was before? Why can’t I erase the pain and just remember the good? And why does he get to pretend as though nothing happened just because he can shut off his emotions like a switch? I want him to feel it, every bit of it. I want him to cry every night the way he did before. I want him to feel even for one day the pain I feel and not be able to just push it down and ignore it. I want him to feel it or me to not feel it ever again.

I have been looking for the key, a magical answer to make it all go away and just let me forget. But I’ve come to realize there isn’t one. I think everything I’m going through is a part of of my healing and instead of trying to turn it off I have to allow myself to feel it. The fear, doubt, anger, sadness, guilt, worry, worthlessness, the unanswered questions that are never ending. Some days are good, some days are ok, some days are not so good, and some days are just unbearable. The feeling of “this is not the right thing” clashes with the feeling of “it has to be the right thing” because it’s the only thing. My past, present, and future are in question, and my dreams and nightmares have begun to blend together. I’m starting to wonder what is worse, the dreams that I know are no longer true or the nightmares that are. The sleepless nights spent lying in my bed alone, feeling so utterly lost, have become such a habit I no longer try to fight them. Then I look in the mirror and think how did I allow myself to end up like this? How will I ever love again, how will I ever trust again? Who will ever love me again? I listen to people tell me I’m strong, I deserve better, I will be ok, but it doesn’t stop my fears or hurt.  I believe the only way forward is day by day, baby steps into a new world. Learn to be confident and to smile again. There is no date on the calendar that I can look at to know when I will be happy again. It is an uncertain path I must walk down. When the sun shines and I feel its warmth, when I feel safe, when I feel comfortable, when my head stops swimming with the questions, then I will know I am finally on the way to being truly me again. Time is a great healer but I must fight through my wilderness of loss first. I have to face all of these emotions and then I will be ready to begin to live again. I will find myself again, it will just take time, and I’m sure there will come a day when I look in the mirror and see the girl looking back at me that has been lost for so long now. This will be one of the hardest journeys of my life but I will not let it break me. Life will ultimately lead me in the right direction but for now I need to allow myself time to just feel it all.

So for all of you waiting for me to figure it out, there it is. You have to allow yourself to take it all in, to feel everything you want to ignore, and to find a way to cope. You have to know that there will be days it doesn’t feel worth it but there will be a day when you will look back and say I am a better and stronger person after what I went through. Just keep moving forward until the day comes that you no longer want to look back.

I have posted a few articles on tips for controlling stress lately and I hope they have been helpful. I wanted to post something about what I do to help with my stress levels. I have found a few things that seem to be working very well for me.

Meditation

I find that attempting to meditate to handle stress can be frustrating to me because I can’t always focus, so this only really works if I can incorporate it into a scheduled time every day. I focus on positive thoughts for about 15 minutes in the morning and the evening in an effort to train myself to think this way and while it makes a difference in my overall mood, it doesn’t seem to help when things happen unexpectedly.

Exercise

I unfortunately do not enjoy working out so I do little things to get myself moving. I have found that if I take my dogs for a long walk instead of a quick one I feel better. I’m not a morning person so this generally happens in the evening but it helps me unwind and go to sleep. The only downfall is that my Jack Russell, Athos, comes home wound up and ready to play. He seems to react to the walk as a sort of activity appetizer. Haha. Also things like turning on the radio and dancing around while I clean make a difference. I might look like an idiot but at least I am doing something to make the chores I hate more fun and it really motivtes me to actually get moving instead of lying around getting more depressed.

Gardening

My biggest stress relievers have come from a couple very unexpected places. I received a Chia Terra Cotta Gourmet Herb Gardenfor Christmas and it has been the best thing for my stress, so much so that I bought another one and an AeroGarden Garden Kitwith flowers. There is something very calming and fulfilling about seeing these plants thriving due to my constant attention. I water, feed, trim, and monitor them religiously and it feels like my stress levels shrink every time they grow a little. I am thinking about getting some houseplants and possibly even a bonsai tree since this seems to be very therapeutic for me. I understand now why so many people garden. I have a tiny backyard that is mostly concreted and have 5 dogs so a big vegetable garden isn’t very practical but if you have the space I would recommend giving it a try. If not, try one of these inside gardens; you might be shocked at the sense of accomplishment you will have and the effect that will have on your depression and anxiety.

Animals

Another thing I take great joy in is my pets. As I said I have five dogs; Kenya (Black Lab), Merlin (Tibetan Lhasa Apso), Athos (Jack Russell/Maltese Mix), Hope (Maltese), and Zoe (Chihuahua). Last night D bought me a baby Angora Teddy Bear Hamster and I think her name is going to be Dulce Valentin (this translates to Sweet Valentine). Animals are a great stress releiver. There is nothing better than a dog that loves you unconditionally running up to you, tail wagging, just thrilled to see you after a bad day; or a good one for that matter. They have a sense of when you are sick or upset and their entire purpose in life is to make you happy. I can be so stressed I am in tears and when one of my pups crawls into my lap and cuddles up to me I instantly feel my heart lift a little. There are days that the only thing that can make me smile is watching them run and play.

Writing

This is a good outlet for anyone. Write it down, get it out of your head, and come back later and read it. I have always written. To me seeing things in black and white puts them in a completely different perspective. The good doesn’t feel real and the bad seems so much worse until I pour it all out on paper and read it. For me there is just something about the flow of words on a page, as opposed to the swirling chaos in my head, that makes me feel connected to the experiences I am writing about.

What I am trying to say is that we all react to different things in life. The articles I post are suggestions, mostly to show that there are things you can do to take control of your life. Not everything will work for everybody. Try different things and find what will work for you. It’s all about finding the joy in your life and using that to combat the negative feelings before you become overwhelmed by them. It’s your life and you can take control.