Life Inside Panic

So it’s finally 2010. Thank god 2009 is over and can be put behind me. That was one of the roughest years of my life and I’m really hoping for a dramatically better new year. The only downfall so far is the battle over my house is now renewed. I really hate having to fight so hard to keep the one thing that makes me feel safe and sane. When I’m in this house I actually feel like me or at least as close as it gets. I have spent 2 years putting every item in it’s exact place. Anywhere you look in this house it’s me. This is the one place in the world that I have that I can just be silent and at peace and it’s being ripped away. I guess at this point it no longer matters, there’s nothing I can do or say to change the fact that I do not have any say in my life. I’m at the mercy of other’s whims and so I have to learn to just not care. I’m planning on asking the dr to up my meds so then I can just stay in a state of numbness and all of this won’t be so devastating to me. The cocktail they have me on right now is very interesting (Lexapro, Lamictal, Wellbutrin, Risperdal, and Xanax) and has triggered an extreme state of mania, one like I have never experienced before. I have cleaned to the point of pulling out all the furniture and cleaning under it, washing walls, fans and even the ceilings where they were within reach. I still feel this frantic need to clean more. I constantly feel as though there is something I should be doing and that it has to be done right then and before I finish one thing I’m off to another. I keep being told it’s all about adjusting till we find the right cocktail for me. Next Tues I have another dr appt and we shall see what they decide for me then. The dr has suggested that I apply for social security disability but I just don’t know. I want to go back to work; I don’t want the rest of my life to be spent with me as this damaged, pathetic excuse for a human being. Hopefully the good news for the new year will start rolling in soon cause I don’t think I can make it through another year like the last one.

So, this is gradually turning into a sob session of a blog. I have been checking for new information but everyone is so concerned with the economy of the US as well as the rest of the world that nobody is really focused on other issues. I will continue to check and update on you on any info as soon as some turns up.

As for my state today. I am feeling a little better than I was in my last post. I don’t have tears streaming down my face this time so that is a drastic improvement. I went to the psychiatrist only to find that it was an initial intake appointment and my actual evaluation is scheduled for February. Nice how concerned they are, right? I managed to convince my PCP to call something in for me to hold me over and she gave me a Rx for Xanax. It definitely helps with my panic attacks because I don’t tend to have them while I’m comatose but I can’t remember my dreams any more so who knows how I’m actually sleeping. I know that I’m out for 10-12 hours at a time and it takes me roughly an hour to be alert once I wake.

I have been reading a lot on various other blogs today about heartbreak and I guess I’m not totally alone in the way I feel. I even read a post from a lady discussing how the lack of the weight of her engagement ring on her hand was a constant physical reminder of the emptiness in her life. I know how she feels. I miss my ring; I still wear it when I’m home alone or sometimes when I’m sleeping. I have even left the house with it in my pocket and slipped it on once I was in the car, so D wouldn’t see, on more than a couple of occasions. I love the ring, I think it is the most elegant one I have ever seen. D’s name and our anniversary date are inscribed on the inside and I sometimes take it out and look at that inscription and think of all the dreams it represented. Even though it is a beautiful piece of jewelry, that is not why I love it so. I love that it was given to me as a token of his love and a promise of our future. I still can’t look at it and just see a ring. Maybe in time…